Hi Taylor Swift,
Thanks for coming back to Australia. We’re all big fans. We like your new boyfriend, Tom Hiddleston. He’s handsome and has a soothing accent, and he dances very well.
It was nice to see you visiting the children’s hospital the other day. You’re very kind. There are plenty of other things to do while you’re here as well.
Here’s a list of suggestions we’ve written especially for you.
- Make a guest appearance on Playschool. That’s a kids show, like your Sesame Street. Only it’s a bit more budget. The puppets don’t talk. Actually, they’re just dolls and like, teddy bears. But it teaches kids about using their imagination and how to make stuff out of toilet rolls.
- Can you write a song about our Prime Minister? He’s quite a handsome brute. You could call it, ‘Daddy, can I sit on your lap a while?’
- We really liked the pictures of your 4th of July bash. So perfect and clean. Maybe you could do something similar on one of our special days, like Australia Day or Melbourne Cup. You and your friends could have a barbie (cookout) in bikinis, or go to the pub and bet on the ponies, or crunk dance around in front of portraits of the Queen (for Queen’s Birthday, one of the best holidays here).
- Not sure what kind of fishing you’re into, but if you’re chasing flathead than the Narooma inlet is one of the best places to catch the really big boppers.
- Please let Bindi Irwin into your ‘squad’.
- Visit the big prawn (shrimp, silly!) in Ballina. You would look so amazing posing in front of it. As a bonus, it’s in a Bunnings carpark. That’s a shop where you can buy doormats and angle grinders and stuff and have a sausage sizzle (cookout).
- Go and watch Port Power play a game of footy (AFL–like a mix of gridiron and Muay Thai). They are one of the best teams in Australia, the equivalent of maybe the LA Lakers in America.
- Do you know Delta Goodrem? She’s Australia’s Golden Girl. She could show you around.
- See some quokkas on Rottnest Island. You might mistake them for cheerful cats, but they’re actually small macropods that adore selfies.
- Another of our most famous critters is the lungfish, which inhabits the Burnett and Mary rivers in Queensland. It’s a mystical throwback to the Mesozoic era which can breathe air and water and morph into a smallish goblin. Take one when you go to show America. It would make a dank pet.
- If you’re still into Sprintcars you should check out the Avalon Raceway in Geelong, because there are usually some pretty hectic crashes on Friday and Saturday nights.
- There used to be a really excellent show called Hey, Hey It’s Saturday on Saturday nights, so if you didn’t have any parties to go to or whatever you could stay home and watch that. It’s finished now, so your best options are probably Degrassi: Next Class on ABC3 or House Hunters International on 9Life.
- The best food in Australia if you’re shitfaced is normally kebabs or New York Slice.
- Are you planning on getting a sweet tatt while you’re here? Some of the recommended options are a Southern Cross, or one that says ‘Such Is Life’, ‘No money, no honey’, or if not your standard tribal sleeve.
- Just say you were planning on doing a surprise concert with Selena Gomez (no pressure), some of the better options are the Rooty Hill RSL, the Sydney Opera House and Manuka Oval in Canberra.
- Thanks again for coming to our country.
Image credit: Taylor Swift Instagram