In the last episode, we waved goodbye to Cana-Dan, Bogan France’s most toxic nuclear knob head. We also said smell ya l8er to Mack, just as he was on the brink of unearthing a personality, and Blake, who made every woman in the country make a blood oath never to have children.
At this point, Jarrod’s skin is starting to look like pork crackling, Osher’s still wearing suits made from ironing board covers and no one’s blown a BAC reading of less than 0.7 in three weeks. Why? Because this is Australia and both the animals in our national coat of arms can fly-kick you in the boob.
Here are 22 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
- The episode opens with a chummy game of Marco Polo in the pool, Jarrod looks like he’s one chromosome away from being a cherry tomato.
- We’re three minutes in and already the Love Gate has swung open to reveal Elora Warrior Princess; fire juggler by day, stage-five clinger by night and general all ‘round tropical hornbag 24/7.
- Jake then tells the girls to piss off and talk about knitting because the year is 1518 and the women are banished to the car park every month when they get a bleeding uterus.
- Elora starts pulling fellas aside for a yarn but no one’s that interested because everyone’s still hanging on hope that polygamy will become all the rage in Fiji and Ali can finally marry them all.
- Elora then changes strategy and ropes Megan in for a chat and Jarrod makes a crude comment because this sauteed carrot literally has nothing going for him.
- Elora then asks Megan if she can take Jake on a date and half of Australia switches to the Comm Games.
- Jake then turns Elora down even though she’s ‘hella sexy’ because he’s still really keen to learn Megan’s name and maybe even where she grew up.
- After doing the rounds of the crew and getting turned down by everyone but the night cleaner, Elora finally convinces Michael to go yabby catching with her.
- Leah’s bloody livid because she’s yelled verbal abuse at him from across the playground non-stop for four days and he won’t even give her the time of day.
- Michael and Elora arrive at their date, which is a pop-up Kmart store and two cans of Fanta.
- Leah asks Yanky Jared if he wants to look for Immunity Idols behind the Love Hut.
- Suddenly a pair of tanned calves fills the screen and our favourite dateless wench, Simone, trots in in a wasteless apron and six-inch platform wedges.
- Jarrod quickly notices Simone’s hair colour and goes in for the kill thinking she’d look real nice chained up in his wine dungeon.
- First, he has to explain to her what a vineyard is because Australian English is only her second language.
- After their $70 shopping spree at the Kmart popup, Michael and Elora make their way over to a pile of hard rubbish on the front lawn where they share a cask of Coolibah crisp dry white and talk shop.
- Meanwhile, Tara’s taking a street dancing class on the beach in a demented Teletubby onesie.
- All of a sudden Leah’s sunk her crusty claws into American Jared who looks like he’d rather start a massage train with Edward Scissorhands than share a hammock with her.
- Grant, Ali, Jarrod and Keira then play an elaborate game of Chinese Whispers that ends with Keira in a train conductor’s cap and mango margarita in her eyebrows.
- Laurina then gets some mail mid-face peel that says she’s got to choose a suitor and get ready for a Maccas run in ten minutes.
- She’s bloody livid though because she was just about to clip her toenails and have a warm glass of milk in the spa, plus she just had a meatball sub.
- Perpetually Dateless Simone looks ready to kick a baby schnauzer but does six tequila slammers instead while a producer chases a sobbing Laurina into a teepee and explains the concept of dating.
- There’s more romance in the credits of Bondi Vet than there is in this shitshow.
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Image credit: TenPlay