Welcome to another episode of Drunk Skunks Get Loose At A Ritzy Western Resort & All Drown Trying To Paddleboard. It’s nearly the end of the fourth week and we’re in the thick of it now. Poolside flings have turned into whirlwind romances, everybody’s hair has been bleached green from the chlorine and Wais has run out of tequila and has instead been quietly making metho and tonics to really spice things up.
Here are 26 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
- The episode opens with Fyre Jugglah Elora throwing clams at a sand statue of Eden on the front beach.
- Meanwhile, the boys are playing strip poker by themselves in the Love Rotunda because no homo but hullo Apollo’s abs.
- All of a sudden the Love Gate shakes on its rusty hinges and Rachel and The Rose Eater fly in dinking on a Yamaha 60.
- Keira tells American Jared that word on the street is new Rachel gives firm handshakes and makes a mean butter chicken.
- Apollo then flies in on Pegasus and reveals an Officeworks DL sized envelope with ‘Crazy’ written on it.
- Keira is stoked about her first date and takes Jarrod to an oval full of delinquents where he uses this opportunity to show Keira how good he would be as a father of 27.
- Keira screams random words she’s heard at weekend footy and Jarrod coathangers a seven-year-old to nail a touchdown.
- Back at the Love Hut, a crestfallen Apollo reveals to Rachel that he can’t knit.
- Rachel is feeling empowered by the safe space he has created and so announces that she accidentally killed a father of two in a hit and run last week.
- She’s now been chewing his ear for over four minutes so Simone’s grabs a cucumber knife from behind the bar and is heading over to ‘steal Rachel away for a chat’.
- American Jared spies the blade and pulls together a quick game of friendly mixed netball to avoid a murder.
- Meanwhile, Tara and Uncle Sam are canoodling in the Rotunda of Romance and arguing about which KFC box meal is the best value.
- Back at Keira’s date, Jarrod’s wearing his hat backwards because he’s apparently now welcoming death.
- All of a sudden Osher materialises in a Seafolly tankini and steals Megan from the drunks.
- No one notices because they’re all playing Edward Passionhands on the lawn.
- Keira and Jarrod return from their date engaged and pregnant with triplets.
- Simone then implements her diabolical plan to make New Rachel and American Jared fall in love at exactly 6:47pm just as the sun’s setting and she’s releasing a crate of doves from a palm tree above.
- The two saucy lovers bond over their mutual commonalities in the ocean shallows, such as both having sisters, both having legs and both converting oxygen into carbon dioxide through anaerobic respiration.
- Leah spies them touching in the water and starts spitting chips because she put a slow roast on for American Jared and now the sweet potato mash is getting cold.
- All of a sudden, the scene switches to Osher in a gondola with Canadian Thomas. In an unprecedented plot twist, Osh reveals that for the 97% of the show he’s not on screen for, he’s actually a Fiji-based pimp lord.
- He then announces that he’s organised an arranged marriage between the two because shit was getting boring in Paradise and his job was on the line.
- Megan’s pretty stoked because Jake keeps putting the emphasis on the wrong syllable in her name so it’s refreshing to meet someone who nails it every time.
- Back at the island, American Jared approaches Leah for permission to dump her and she says ‘yeah nah back off you stumpy moll, gimme your immunity idol or I’ll shank you with a crab’.
- Over on Redemption Island, Megan and Thomas are skinny dipping and then all of a sudden they wrap their meaty lips around each other and Australia realises that THE SNEAKY BASTARDS AT CHANNEL TEN MADE LONG-HAIRED THOMAS LOOK LIKE ELORA IN THE PROMOS.
- The two of them then return to Paradise where Jake storms off to the bar froffin for a Bundy & Coke and a tall schooner of OMFG kill me now.
- Australia goes to bed feeling both betrayed by the network and comforted that Osh does more than six minutes of work each week.
Keep up to date with all the Bachie drama right here.
Image credit: Tenplay