Week three of ‘Krazy Keira & Capsicum Jarrod Breakup Again In Paradise’ is drawing to a close and so far we’ve seen more romance between Tom and Wayne’s dogs on Gogglebox than in the entire duration of this show. The whole cast is dehydrated and high on chlorine, and Osh looks like he’s on the verge of a stroke every time he shows up in a twelve-piece dinner suit he’s clearly whittled out of an IKEA shag rug.
Here are 27 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
- So word on the dirty street pie is Laurina packed her bag and hot-footed it outta Paradise in the dead of night because she didn’t sign up to go on bloody dates.
- Everyone’s looking out for Jarrod now because he’s been dumped seven times by the same person, but more so because he’s one game of beach volleyball away from his skin turning inside out.
- Keira ropes our little sunburnt beach mermaid in for a chat that achieves nothing other than some juicy product placement from Fiji Water.
- Jarrod’s so mad about being dumped an eighth time that he threatens to ‘mingle’, which is probably psychopath code for drown her in sports strength zinc cream.
- Chief Lad Tara rocks up in a wife beater and footy shorts and yells, “oi gotta date card, you pack a’ shunts”.
- No one’s warned Simone, so she chooses to sip Coronas and build sandcastles with Jarrod at the nearby nude colony.
- Meanwhile, Keira’s already scheming to get her little sun monkey back an eighth time by swapping her clothes for a yabby net.
- Back at the beach, Jarrod throws Simone over his shoulder and drags her into the water to make an aquatic porno.
- Over at the Love Hut, Michael reveals that he secretly loves Lisa and Keira reveals that she secretly probably made the wrong decision when she dumped Jarrod at breakfast.
- Eden is also having second thoughts about Nina because there’s not enough junk in her trunk, and Nina reckons Cana-Dan was the love of her life because all the mimosas have clearly made her stupid.
- Because Simone’s crazy radar is on the friggin’ blink, she lets Capsicum Jarrod mash lips with her.
- Out of nowhere, Osh walks in wearing a bourgeois Kmart picnic blanket and announces he’ll be hosting a Singstar party in his hut later.
- The cocktail party gets underway and Jarrod starts bragging about how ‘erotic’ his date with Simone was, so Keira tries to rope Michael into being her beard but he already has plans to ‘dial it up’ at the singstar party because this show is about to go completely off the rails.
- Megan decides to stir shit up and asks Luke if Miranda Kerr came through the Love Gate, would he drop Lisa like a hot potato?
- Luke says, “yeah nah yeah nah probably” and all of a sudden Michael swoops in a steals Lisa from under his handsome noggen.
- Michael’s now super stressed about the rose ceremony because one of his chest tattoos told him to follow his heart.
- Keira then sheds the first tear of the night when she realises she hasn’t got a snowflake’s chance on Jarrod’s skin of getting a rose tonight.
- And Eden’s seeing question marks everywhere because he can’t work out which lady to put all his eggs in, and also he’s on his twelfth Malibu and coke since dinner.
- He quickly takes Nine aside to ask if she plans on holding hands in the near future and she tells him to back the heck off and respect her values.
- Osh explains the rules of the roses because everyone’s been drinking since breakfast and no one has any brain cells left.
- Eden steps up to lob his rose at a sheila and completely blindsides Nina by giving it to Elora who was already halfway through packing her fire batons.
- All the other couples pair off while Michael is putting himself into cardiac arrest in the voiceover trying to decide who gets his rose.
- It’s his turn to step up to the microphone and he selects Robbie Williams’ ‘Kids’ before asking if Lisa will be his Kylie Minogue.
- Lisa says ‘oath’ and Michael starts sobbing because he knows he’s dogged the boys.
- Achy Breaky Luke then steps up with bloody tears in his eyes and declares that even though Keira bombed Hoobastank’s ‘The Reason’, everyone deserves a second chance.
- And all of a sudden everyone’s crying because Nina thought she had the Immunity Idol but it turns out it was just a satay chicken wing.
- Shit just got juicy in Paradise.
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Image credit: Tenplay