Trying to survive a long haul flight with your sanity in tact is a tricky business. And with Qantas finally confirming their plan to provide us travel-hungry Aussies with non-stop 19-hour flights to London in 2018 (oooh the future is here—who needs hoverboards?), these hot flying tips are needed now more than ever.
Here’s 30 things to do on the longest flight in the world.
- See how long you can go without checking your watch.
- Check your watch 15 minutes later.
- Contort your body like a Cirque Du Soleil performer in a futile attempt to get comfortable.
- Try out your herbal sleep remedy and discover it doesn’t work. At all.
- Pray for Valium.
- Try and guess how many pimples you will have at the end of the flight.
- Contemplate asking the person behind you to stop kicking your seat for 12 hours straight. Leave the plane hating yourself for your cowardice.
- Wonder what kind of rare tropical disease the person coughing on you has.
- Feel superior to everyone around you and hope the stewardess notices that you are superior and upgrades you to first class.
- See how many free peanuts you can eat before you are cut off.
- See how many scotches you can drink before they just give you a handful of little bottles and a look of revulsion. Because I can play this game all night mate.
- Picture an alternate reality where you were sat next to the best looking person you’ve ever seen rather than the worst body odour you’ve ever smelled.
- Put moisturiser on, spill it everywhere.
- Figure out where your life went wrong and why you aren’t in business class.
- Avoid eye contact with the person next to you so you don’t have to talk to them for 19 hours. Unless they are hot.
- Find yourself looking forward to the next crappy airplane meal. Because you are slowly losing your mind.
- Watch movies until your brain hemorrhages.
- See what movie the person next to you is watching. Decide their choice of movie makes them a pervert. Unless they are hot.
- Watch the plane’s wing during turbulence. If it catches on fire, you want to be the first to know.
- Decide who you will eat first if your plane crashes and you have to fight to survive.
- Remember a happy time when every muscle wasn’t spasming in pain and you didn’t hate everyone around you.
- Decide never to have children.
- Give the mum with a screaming baby a sympathetic smile and decide you are the most thoughtful and benevolent person alive.
- Watch the Little Mermaid for childhood comfort.
- Read trashy magazines and form a strange bond with the Kardashians in your moment of need.
- Hope there aren’t any snakes on the plane.
- Think about how unfair it is that some people ended up with spare seats next to them. Not you, of course.
- Worry that someone will steal your bag when you sleep, or plant drugs in it.
- Allow the person next to you to lean on your shoulder and drool on you. Because nothing matters anymore. Nothing.
- Fix up your hair towards the end of the flight so that maybe one of the people leaving first class will see you and marry you and take you away from this life of poverty.
Don't have to get on a plane anytime soon? Here's The Best Things You Didn't Know You Could Do In Sydney!
Image credit: Start at Sixty