Monday morning is about as delightful as a UTI. It stings, it burns, and it shows up after a few days of treating your liver like a filter designed to turn sewage into drinking water. Your body screams at you to go back to bed the second you rise and your mouth tells your alarm clock to go to hell. What a beautiful way to start the week! And look, we’re not saying EVERYONE hates Mondays (and we’re definitely not saying we hate the people that like them, we’re only implying it) but we are pretty sure we hear at least 90% of the population shouting “Amen Sister!” from the back of the congregation. So this is for THOSE people, the Don’t Even Look At Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee people. THIS is your Monday morning inner monologue…
1. Ugh. FML.
2. I hope the person who designed the alarm clock is sitting in a hot place in hell right now thinking about what they’ve done.
3. How many organs do I need to sell to be able to retire by tomorrow? But seriously, two maybe?
4. I’m definitely going to have a sleep when I get home in eight hours time. I say this every time, but this time I absolutely will.
5. In what world did I think I was young enough to survive a Sunday Sesh?!
6. If coffee doesn’t appear in my hands within the next two minutes I will burst into tears AND I won’t stop.
7. Oh coffee, I love you more than my first born.
8. Speaking of first born, I better go wake up the devil spawn.
9. Well that was about as easy as filling out the Census earlier this year.
10. It’s only 7am and I’ve already told my children that I’m going to put them up for adoption. Where’s my Parent Of The Year award?
11. I can’t be bothered having breakfast, I’m just going to have four cups of coffee instead and supress my appetite slash have an anxiety attack before lunchtime.
12. Should I text my wife and tell her I forgot the lunch she made for me again or should I just never return?
13. I’m wish I could punch Past Me in the face for agreeing to this damn fitness class at 6am this morning.
14. Okay let’s go through all the possible scenarios that could occur if I rage quit my job today. I really want to rage quit today.
15. Where the hell is this black hole that my children’s shoes disappear to every Monday morning?
16. Yes! That run felt amazing! I’m going to do this every single day! New week, new me. Watch me drink this green juice and become a new person. It’s not a diet it’s a lifestyle! My body is a temple! (Narrator: Her/his body did not remain a temple)
17. What’s another lecture missed? I’ll just read the notes and probably repeat this subject. Future Me can deal with those consequences laters.
18. Whoever came up with the phrase “You snooze, you lose” really doesn’t understand how much you DON’T lose when you snooze. That extra five minutes was anything but a loss.
19. Ugh times 10 is mandatory today.
20. If Susan even looks at me wrong today I’m going to throw my stapler at her.
21. Do I want an extra shot in my coffee? Let’s not pretend you can’t see the bags under my eyes that reach my knees, of course I want an extra shot. Actually make it a double.
22. I’m feeling so inspired after that documentary we watched last night! I’m so dang grateful for life! I’m a beacon of love and light! Look at me shining like a freaking diamond. Can’t wait to sprinkle my glitter of positivity around like Tinkerbelle. "Oh for f*cks sake, it’s called an indicator you *explicit yet impressively creative word*!"
23. I literally can’t wait to get these small yet loud terrorists out of my car and through those school gates.
24. “Bye Sweetie, have a good day!” Ha! See ya suckers.
25. Okay what have I got to do this week? Yeah wow, that’s overwhelming. I’m just going to have a panic attack and go home if that’s okay boss.
26. Is it weird that guy hasn’t messaged me back yet? I thought it was love when we met on the dance floor of O’Malley’s on Saturday night?
27. I hate that I can’t set my emails on fire. Because I really want to never open them up again.
28. Note To Self: You’re too old for ‘Beers With The Boys’
29. It's so long till the f*ckng weekend!!!!
30. Ugh, kill me. I woke up with a Chainsmokers song in my head. AGAIN.
Image Credit: E! Entertainment