5 Ways Brisbane Could Be Better

By Daniel Colasimone
23rd Oct 2013

For many of its residents, Brisbane is about the closest thing there is to the perfect city. 

This article on why Brisbane is better than Sydney and Melbourne, though somewhat, erm... flippant, certainly struck a chord with our readers. Most locals could easily rattle off a dozen reasons why their hometown is a fantastic place to live.

Every city has its flaws, however. Paris ain't all love and croissants, you know. It has its fair share of chain smokers and civic strife too. London is grandiose and worldly, but can also be grey and grinding, while Big Applers are sometimes so taken with their own awesomeness they forget how to be nice to all the small and medium apples.

Even Bundaberg has faults, believe it or not.

Here are a few areas where the River City falls short of the Utopian ideal. Do you disagree with any of these? Or can you think of a couple more? Let us know in the comments!

1. Brisbane is lumpy. It's like that futon you sometimes crash on at your friend's place. There are too many hills. Hills are a bugger to walk up, annoying to park on, and inconvenient places to build houses on. Sure, they make for good car chase scenes in movies, but San Francisco seems to have that market cornered. Be flatter, Brisbane!

2. You how someone will say, 'It's not the heat, it's the humidity,' and it makes you seethe with hatred for that person with every fibre of your being? Ease up a second. Yes, that person is a recalcitrant, but at the end of the day they do make a valid point. This town is not only hot for a big chunk of the year, it is very muggy. Humidity makes little Brisbanites sweat, and unless you're wearing your gym gear or filming a Rihanna video, sweat is unwanted and uncomfortable.

3. On a related point, we make a big deal about Queensland's lovely weather and golden sands, but Brisbane doesn't actually have a beach, does it? Uh, uh, shush-shush-shush... I know the Gold and Sunshine Coasts are only an hour or so away and we've got the shimmering beach-pools of South Bank and Redcliffe and the Wynumm-Manly foreshore, but be honest with yourself for a moment and concede those things still don't add up to a real, live beach in close proximity to the CBD. The lucky folk of Sydney or Rio de Janeiro, for example, can walk out of their office buildings any time they want, strip off their clothes, and run giggling and squealing into the surf. The last time I did that into the Brisbane River I ended up with a staph infection.

4. Most people in Australia have heard of Brisbane (though for some self-centred types in Sydney and Melbourne it's one of those places that exists on the very periphery of their awareness, as remote and exotic as Belize or Jupiter's Europa moon), but outside these shores, you won't get a lot of recognition when you mention the name. Just note how American's pronounce it when cornered: 'BrisBANE.' Not a clue. Something that would help this situation would be if we had an iconic building or piece of architecture like so many of the globe's major cities. Having a quaint City Hall and London Eye 2.0 just doesn't cut it. To get the ball rolling, I would like to suggest a mighty bullring to be built over the top of the Roma Street Parklands. It would be made entirely of crystal and have a capacity of 80,000. What? There are no wrong answers in brainstorming.

5. Brisbane could do with a more 'European' attitude to alcohol. Anyone who has wandered through the post-apocalyptic demon carnival that is The Valley late on a Saturday night will understand that rather than drinking for enjoyment, or as a mild social lubricant, many appear to treat it as an extreme sport in which the ultimate goal is violent or lecherous oblivion. It would be nice if everyone could enjoy their shandies and wine spritzers of en evening without turning the place into Thunderdome.

TUL Note: After a six-year stint as a freelance journalist in Buenos Aires, Daniel is back in Brisbane to find that his knowledge of Argentinian football is of little practical value here. Luckily, his other areas of expertise, such as eating food, drinking wine, and writing about it, are applicable across most cultures. 

Image Credit: Blind Gossip

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