The English language is a wonderful thing. It let's us convey feeling, create meaning, share stories, and caption our Snapchats really hilariously.
But while all of that is grand, sometimes English can lead us astray. Such as when….I don’t know, when we give weird names to things to confuse the living hell out of everyone else!
We have more than one million words at our disposal to give items a name that befits them, a name that describes them perfectly and allows us as humans to make a decision right then and there as to what said item will be, and, most importantly, taste like.
Unfortunately, throughout history, we have been toyed with. We have been taken on a ride that has left a sour taste in far too many mouths. When given the opportunity to name an item of food some people—whether joking or not—have made monumental mistakes and given them them a name that's not just wrong, it's downright deceptive.
This list calls those items out.
Why oh why have you forsaken us? I have heard first-hand accounts of people putting buttermilk in their coffee thinking to themselves what could go wrong? Butter + milk should = a delightful lactose romp through flavour country. But unfortunately, we’re left with something that tastes like milk that’s been left in the desert sun for 517 days.
They say not to cry over spilt milk, well there is absolutely no way you would ever cry over spilt buttermilk.
Better name: Sour Cow Juice
Let me begin by saying shame on you, black pudding namer person. Pudding is a word that should only be placed after other words like chocolate, sticky date, or bread & butter. It should never even grace the same paragraph of a word like black. And certainly, puddings should never contain blood or be served in a skin casing.
Better name: Blood Snag
So I think the person who named sweetbreads may have been from another planet. Tell me how exactly you could come to some sort of resolution where the words sweet and bread would appear in your head after devouring a thymus or a pancreas. It’s one thing to drag the word sweet through this mud, but to desecrate bread’s good name is one of the all-time great crimes. Bread forever. Sweetbread, never.
Better name: Do Not Eat This It's Internal Organs
As a born and bred Victorian I am a big lover of the meat pie. It’s been there through thick and thin while at the footy on a Saturday afternoon. If someone says “pie” it’s the first thing that will come to mind. So imagine my utter disappointment when as a boy I bit into a so-called mince pie, only to find that it was full of dried fruit and not meat! This is labelling at its deceptive best, 2/10.
Better name: FRUIT Mince Pies
No. No, let’s be serious. Silky, smooth, vanilla custard is a saint. It can be paired with a large array of desserts that can be enjoyed with friends or alone. Don’t try and jazz up a fruit (which isn’t really an apple either, by the way) by claiming that it’s similar to custard. It is not, and we are no longer on speaking terms.
Better name: No-Custard Apple
This one is close to my heart. How many years have hotels been profiting off of the common man by dressing up cereal, some grapes and a piece of anaemic bread as “continental”. Tell me, what is continental about lining up with people you don’t know, grabbing a plastic bowl the size of a thimble and digging a scoop that has been touched by 1,000 other people that day into a jar of home brand corn flakes. The only thing continental about a continental breakfast is the fact that my feet happen to be on a continent at the time of consumption. Give me hash browns and bacon free of charge or I’m leaving you a 1-star review on Trip Advisor.
Better name: Disappointment buffet
Image Credit: Christmas Stock Images