Growing up with the likes of Cinderella, The Princess Diaries and Maid In Manhattan, our much-loved movie heroines had no trouble bagging themselves a Prince Charming and living happily ever after. And bloody hell, if Bridget Jones can land herself a knight in shining armour, surely we can too, right?
As Disney hypnotised us with the theory that all we needed was true love's kiss to bag ourselves Mr Right, they failed to mention the long list of douchebags that would stand in our way of jumping onto the back of that giant stead and riding off into the sunset.
From Mr What Was I Thinking to Mr I Shouldn’t Have Swiped Right, get ready to reminisce and cringe at our list of nine guys you’ll date before finding the one!
Mr Cling On
He said the L word after the second date and is busy planning a weekend away to Prague for your one-week anniversary. You are the apple of his eye, and don’t you know it.
Why You’ll Love Him: No one will ever love or adore you as much as this guy, not even your own mother!
Why (And When) You’ll Break Up: Neither you nor your inbox can cope with the non-stop ‘schnookum’-filled emails and expressive love poems. When he suggests buying matching hoodies, run! We give it a month, tops.
Mr Don’t Bring Him Home To The Parents
He’s the one that everyone talks about. From you and your friends gushing about his ‘super hot’ tatt collection and pimped up car, to the local cops, this guy is the one you shouldn’t mess with, but you will anyway.
Why You’ll Love Him: When someone tells you not to do something, it makes it more the more tempting to do it and his chiseled jawline could cut through a car door which he is probably no stranger to either.
Why (And When) You’ll Break Up: When he starts rocking an orange boiler suit and you grow a brain...this could take a year or two, but you'll remember him for life.
Mr Friend With Benefits
What first started out as a casual ‘I’ve got nothing better to do so why not’ has now become some serious hangout sessions with some serious activities. Netflix and chill whaaaat?!
Why You'll Love Him: You’ll have some mean Crash Bandicoot gaming marathons followed by some greasy pizza followed by some ….cough cough! No feelings, no attachments, perfect!
Why (And When) You’ll Break Up: You caught feelings. Probably sooner than you think.
He’d swipe right for himself on Tinder and he checks himself out in the reflection of your Ray Bans.
Why You'll Love Him: He’s one heck of a well-kept and good looking dude and he will never say no to a selfie!
Why (And When) You’ll Break Up: After about two weeks when you realise that his stay over bag is three Louboutin suitcases and the entire counter at Benefit!
Mr Old Enough To Be Your Dad
He thought emoji’s were a breed of dog and he enjoys nothing but long walks on the beach, but not too long mind you, Escape To The Country starts at 7pm!
Why You'll Love Him: He’s experienced, cultured and is more than happy to pick up the phone and chat, whether that’s due to only owning a Nokia 3010 or not!
Why (And When) You’ll Break Up: When your dad wants to hang out with him as they realise they graduated together. We give it six months.
Mr Hello Ladies
He’s got more lines than a Shortland Street script and he claims that 97% of the time they work. His ‘mother’ always seems to message and the only time you’ll see him is around 2am for a good old-fashioned booty call.
Why You'll Love Him: He’ll shower you with compliments even if they are backhanded and call you sweet pet names like honey (so he doesn’t get you mixed up with the nine other girls he’s seeing!)
Why (And When) You’ll Break Up: When your friend starts seeing the same guy—usually within the first month.
Mr Too Lovely
He’s got it all. He’s sweet, generous, loving and easy on the eye too. He’s everything and more you could possibly want in a boyfriend, but there’s one thing missing. He’s not an asshole!
Why You'll Love Him: He’ll happily play soccer with your younger brother and make you soup when you’re poorly as your mum starts planning her wedding outfit from the sidelines.
Why (And When) You’ll Break Up: When your mother starts inviting him over without consulting you and when you ask “why don’t you date him, mum?!” she actually considers it. This one will last a few years and you'll regret the break up about a decade later.
Mr More Baggage Than Auckland International
With a sob story like his, Simon Cowell would sent him straight to the final of the X Factor and he regularly suffers with chronic back pain due to carrying around all of that emotional baggage.
Why You'll Love Him: He’s a great listener and isn’t afraid to show his emotional side.
Why (And When) You’ll Break Up: After a few months of treading on eggshells and when Kleenex offer to endorse him.
Mr Fitness Freak
He’ll wine and dine you with protein shakes and all of the chicken and broccoli you could ever wish for and he’ll be sure to keep you up ‘til the cows come home! Not in bed honey, on the damn treadmill!
Why You'll Love Him: He’s super fit, super driven, and have you seen his butt?
Why (And When) You’ll Break Up: After a month or two when you start using words like ab-tastic and pumped and when you realise that you’re actually using your active wear for its original purpose.
Image Credit: Two And A Half Men