In this day and age there are more options than ever when it comes to seducing the opposite sex. Gone are the days of calling landlines and asking Mr. Humphry if you can please, please take his daughter out to the drive in movie theatre.
The new seduction game is complicated AF, and not a little bit scary. Here is a guide to take the guesswork out of your next online conquest.
- Facebook is a pick up artist’s oldest and dearest friend, a proven performer who will always be there when the whips are cracking. The best thing about Facebook is its stalking capabilities.
- Like her first profile photo. This shows in a totally non-creepy way that you are interested.
- Like her fourth profile photo as well. This shows that you don’t just like the new her, but also the old her.
- Change your name to something pretentious. We call this peacocking.
- Stalk her profile so you have exciting topics to talk about on your first date that will definitely resonate.
- Send her a message. Something friendly like, “Hey I like your hair, how do you do it?” or “You like Matt Corby! Me too?” Remember, if you phrase it as a question they have to answer.
- Make her feel special by throwing words like “babe” or “gorgeous” into the conversation.
- If your crush mentions a topic in their status updates e.g. China send her interesting facts about said topic like, “Did you know there is a vending machine in China that you can hug and it gives out free coke?”
- Never open her replies straight away. If you do she will know you’ve read the message. Instead read the message in the lock screen. Life hack!
- To work out how long you should take to message back, take their age and double it. That’s the minimum amount of hours you should wait. If they seem keen, double it again. Maths!
- Update your status to subtly let girls know that you are a nice guy. Things like “I hate how guys that treat women right can never find the right one L” or “Not all guys want sex, some want a relationship”.
- Tag your crushes name into posts with captions like, “Tag the biggest loser you know”. This is called ‘negging’ and girls love it.
- If a girl says they like something say you hate it.
- For example…
- Girl: I like Cats!
- You: I hate Cats.
- Make yourself look popular and broaden your pick up network by clicking ‘attending’ on every event possible, even if it’s not in the state or even country you live in.
- ‘Accidently’ bump into your crush at events you’ve seen they’ll be attending. After the fourth or fifth time, make sure you say something like, “Wow we’ve got so much in common!” to avoid suspicion.
Instagram is a crucial tool in any flirt’s artillery. Use the following tips to carefully craft your photos and get noticed like never before.
- Show that you’re interested by hearting and commenting on every post your crush uploads.
- Use the old fake location trick. For example, get a mate to take a picture of you surfing, edit the hell out of it and tag yourself @pipelinehawaii. Surfing in Hawaii gives you gnarly street cred.
- Never upload photos of you with other girls even if they’re just friends. Girls will think you’re a player. They hate that.
- Post a lot of gym selfies with your shirt off. Add plenty of filters so you get maximum ab pop.
- Hash tags are imperative in capturing a girl’s attention and imagination #bigabs #musclesonmuscles #iloveyou etc.
- To ensure maximum traction and to get the competitive juices flowing tag a number or girls in each post.
- Send her a PM with a story that will grab her attention, but doesn’t make you look too desperate. One that always works is pretending you didn’t want to ask for her number, but due to circumstances beyond your control you had no choice.
- Or if you’re not a creative type just go ahead and ask to meet up. Make sure you call her beautiful first, though.
- If a girl doesn’t reply to your private message the first time keep persisting. Girls want to be chased. It’s all part of the game.
Snapchat is the new kid on the block in the courting game, but no less important than the others. Essential for any guy that enjoys getting creative in their quest for the one
- Take a selfie with Snapchat dog filter. Dogs are cool therefore you are cool.
- For extra social media crossover points make the Snapchat dog selfie your Facebook profile photo.
- Girls looove gym selfies and after the gym why not throw in a shower selfie as well to show off your post pump bod.
- Send late night videos of you and your mates extremely drunk rapping degrading Kayne lyrics really loudly. Swooooon.
- Send photos of you drinking alkalised water, pressed juice and almond milk lattes. This will solidify the fact that you are young, healthy and virile.
- Use the drawing tool to put yourself in funny situations. For example draw yourself in a spacesuit and type lines like “U work for NASA? Cuz you outta dis world”.
- Sending dick pics is a dangerous game, so make it last the full 10 seconds to guarantee the random girl you send it to has time to make up her mind about you.
- Ask for nudes, but make sure you ask politely. Please is the key word in this case.
- If you’re not using emojis, you’re not trying.
Image credit: Bustle.com