Hey here’s a thought, why don’t we take our favourite iced dairy drinks and crank them up until they can’t crank up no more? Sound good? Gear up Brisbane, for this Urban List exclusive of BRISBANE’S SHAKES ON ‘ROIDS.
Canberra, Sydney, Melbourne, you can keep your milky monsters, Brisbane’s maxed out milkshakes will max out YOUR milkshakes. I’m not kidding. We will go full Daniel Day Lewis on that sh*t.
The entries on this list are like your last four credit cards: COMPLETELY MAXED OUT. They’ve reached the summit; this is as far as they can go. Nothing lies beyond except the outer nebula, the void, the third installment of Pirates of the Caribbean, YA FEEL ME? These are the kind of ULTIMATE SHAKES that have a NECK VEIN.
Behold, our picks of where to go and what to get on your next milk bar crawl:
Macaron Milkshakes at Whisky Business
As a specialty macaron bakery, Whisky Business is known for its stellar sweet treats and you know their milkshakes weren’t too bad either. But then someone was like ‘Uh oh - Franz, I’ve made one too many macarons. What should I do with the extra one?’ and then Franz was like ‘Stick it in the top of that milkshake you got there’. And that is the story of how Whisky Business’s Salted Caramel Macaron thickshake changed the game forever.
The Elvis Peanutbutter at Miss Kay’s
What happens when you put the mind of a child in the body of an adult? This thing. Every since Miss Kay’s opened their milk bar window their shakes have been DOMINATING like Pudzianowski. We loved crushing our self control with the Puff Daddy Shake feat. Popcorn and Salted Caramel, but it’s the Elvis Peanutbutter with Reece’s peanut butter cups that made us flatline.
Strawberry Shake at Chester Street Bakery
This obligatory pretty-in-pink entry has probably got a whole strawberry in it somewhere (authentic, hey?) and, like every one of Chester Street’s milkshakes, it’s finished off with a wee flurry of fairy floss. It’s like a little funfair on ‘roids! If you need something for your second stomach, try out their Tim Tam Slam shake for yet another glorious twist on our national dish.
Sunshine State at Doughnut Time
This latest homage to our sun-scorched state comes with spice roasted banana, salted caramel and orgasms all around. If that doesn’t send you FROTHING, then maybe your fancy is more easily tickled by Doughnut Time’s ‘Camp Firewood’ s’more shake with chocolate covered wafer, brownie and toasted marshmallow. What’s that? You’d like to MAKE LOVE TO ME? Sure thing, Doughnut Time.
Peanut Butter at Bitter Suite
Your thirst needs a quenching? How about a DRENCHING? Any proper milkshake hound should probably check out the pretty HECTIC milkshake situation at Bitter Suite. Their Peanut Butter milkshake is a proper FIASCO dripping with chocolate sauce and caramel on an almost nimbus glob of ice cream and Chantilly cream.
Deluxe Profiterole Thickshake at Milk Café
From Ashgrove’s premier Milky playground, Milk Cafe comes a perfectly HERCULEAN thickshake to challenge your commitment to solid food. They usually come with Tim Tams, honeycomb and marshmallows stuffed in the top, but we only have eyes for the Deluxe Profiterole: melted chocolate around the rim, crushed up wafers, and topped off with a bobbly profiterole like a chap at the races. Tally-frickin-ho, lads.
Sailor Jerry and Fry at Greaser
This one’s amp is all thanks to the fuel in its tank. Charged with a shot of Sailor Jerry rum, Greaser's contribution to the shakescape is a boozy rocket mellowed out with a universally adored peanut butter and jam combo, and garnished with a crinkly fry.
Pie shakes at Getta Burger
Insta-impressive? Not so much, but DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU. Where most milkshakes begin with syrup, Getta Burger’s begin with AN ENTIRE SLICE OF PIE. That’s right, flavour goop is purely decorative and it’s all in the wedge. We think these a pretty maxed because as an entire dessert you can drink it’s the pinnacle of taste and convenience. Who among us hasn’t at one point been too lazy to masticate?
Bounty Shake at Gramercy Coffee
If there was a gym for milkshakes, Gramercy’s Bounty shake would be on the Pilates mat. They’ve left the show pony antics to the likes of Miss Kay, but beneath the somewhat un-maxed exterior lies a maelstrom of gastronomical fortitude that whizzes together toasted coconut gelato (what ice cream?), house chocolate sauce, cream and a sprinkling of toasted coconut.
Want more of the best milkshakes in Brisbane? Here's our list of Brisbane's best milkshakes 2015!