Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By James Shackell
14th May 2018


Hmm...your cosmic chakra feels out of alignment this week. What did you do? Forget to call Mum on Sunday? Scan an avocado through as an onion? Steal the sultanas out of your roommate’s Sultana Bran? (That drives people crazy, just FYI). Whatever it is, your karma is all over the place right now. Probs best to hoard food, lock the door and hope the universe doesn’t notice you.

Here’s what you’re *really* in for this week.


Gosh you’re clumsy this week. Stubbed toes, dropped glasses, slipping on the sidewalk—it’s all happening. Just take things slow or you could hurt somebody, and please please please no running with scissors.


Be alert this week, Pisces (the world needs more lerts). Something’s gonna happen to your bank balance, and chances are it’s not good. If you’re heading to Chadstone, leave the credit card at home. It can’t hurt you in your bedside table.


The moon’s all over your chart this week Aries. That means you should avoid making the big calls. If someone asks your opinion, tell them you’re gonna do some in-depth market research, then run away very fast.


When will you learn to shut your big yap, Taurus? It’s going to get you into trouble this week. Next time you’re about slag off your boss or start some office gossip, just scan the room first. You never know who’s listening by the coffee machine.


Change is in the air, Gems. And you should go with it. Start browsing SEEK on the sly at work, swipe right instead of left, mix-up your morning commute. They say a change is as good as a holiday (but that’s only really true if you take very underwhelming holidays).


Take a bow, crabs. You nailed it on the weekend. You are officially the Golden Child in Mum’s eyes. Must have been that brekky in bed you cooked, or the High Tea session. Whatever you did, keep it up—the universe has some brownie points with your name on them.


Travel is your nemesis this week Leo. Trains will be cancelled, bike tyres will mysteriously deflate, and it couldn’t hurt to book your car in for a service. Get woke.


What’s with the rage, Virgo? Lately you’ve been a human volcano. Your mates are scared to eat the last chip in case you fly off the handle. Count to ten. Breathe. And invest in a good meditation app.


Libra you sly minx. You’ve been getting it daily, nightly and ever so rightly. But rubbing your sex life in someone’s face just isn’t cool (that sounded gross, sorry). You know what’s classy? Kiss and don’t tell.


We see a dog-shaped friend in your future, Scorps. You’ve been umming and ahhing about that puppy/kitten/tarantula in the window for a while, but now’s the time to jump. Pets: the only friends you can buy.


You’ve got a tendency to always look for the next big thing, but that’s a mistake this week. Your soul mate is right in front of you, streaming Netflix and cooking you eggs. In this case, the grass isn’t greener. Be happy with what you’ve got.


Caps, we’ve been meaning to have a word. You’ve gotta stop hoarding. Your room is starting to look like those shows where the experts have to come and clean and people cry. Grab five garbage bags, fill them with stuff, and take them to Vinnies. You’ll feel heaps better.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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