Winter is coming to the southern hemisphere, and GoT is making me feel like my unheated living room is at least ten degrees colder than it actually is. The things we do for love.
We start off by realising that Sansa’s got as much patience for Littlefinger as a foodie who hasn’t eaten lunch. AKA, none. Littlefinger seems thrown by Sansa’s newfound self-confidence, but he makes sure to say that he is so. sorry. long. pause. She’s having absolutely none of it and good for her. Respect levels for dis girl are through the roof.
Some things happen with Arya Stark but more importantly, THAT C**K CLOSE UP WAS ABOUT 200% UNNECESSARY. It added approximately 0% to the storyline so thank-you, producers. Ew.
We cut to Bran who finds out how the first White Walker was created. Evidently it had nothing to do with snow and winter and everything to do with the Children of the Forest and trees and bark and a gross procedure involving a pointy object. There’s also a particularly bloody, creepy tree. Double ew.
Tension in the Iron Islands is high as Theon is offered the crown on a silver, watery platter. The producers make a poor attempt to conjure up some drama, but we all know Theon won’t take the crown but he’s as loyal as your childhood puppy.
Euron Greyjoy is back but he admits to the murder of the king right off the bat. Wot? Yara and Euron verbally spar like proper politicans. Maybe one of them should be Australia’s Prime Minister instead. Euron reckons he can join forces with Daenerys—newsflash buddy, she don’t needchu.
Euron is ordained in the least practical way possible. I wonder how many times they’ve accidentally killed a would-be king by intentional drowning? Yara seems like she has at least fifty ships worth of people on her side, while Euron has numbers similar to a small high school class. Who the fek did the voting?
Daenerys looks a bit different in this episode—did she get a tan? Probably from the fire I guess. Witnessing Jorah and Daenerys seems awkward for the third wheel that is Daario. Jorah will be back, EVERYONE HE WILL DEFINITELY COME BACK HE ABSOLuTeLY WON’T DIE I WoN’T lET HiM.
Meanwhile, we have a Red Woman 2.0. She seems a little less talkative than the first. Varys is highly sceptical (cough) of the lord’s firey fired up will. Everyone’s a little uncomfortable when Red Woman 2.0 talks about burning a man’s delicate bits in fire. Varys seems off-put.
We cut to Bran playing with soil. Bran is bored. Bran throws stone at aged tree man. Bran is feeling how I do about his storyline. Bran crawls through some gigantic bones and goes into a dream state. I don’t understand why you would actively, willingly wander through what appears to be a bunch of undead armed men. They can see him, because of course they can.
We cut to the Wall, and Brienne reckons the north-houses-recruitment plan is dodgy. She thinks Jon Snow’s brooding is “understandable I guess”, in the most hilarious statement ever. Meanwhile, the Wildling still has the hots for Brienne, shooting her a poorly-attempted smouldering look that will probably ruin sex lives everywhere. Don’t worry, there’s this horny goat’s weed which is half-price in Australia, if you’re having issues. I wish I was kidding.
These tree children are only going to hold off the White Walkers for, at max, like two seconds. Bran is having a jolly good time in a daydream; meanwhile an army of the undead are flying left, right and literally over him. Hodor snaps out of his psychological state.
Bran’s dog dies. I’m more upset about this than anything else in the season.
Alright I take it back. I stopped typing for the last few minutes of the episode because no television show has ever distressed me (or my heart) more than Hodor. Hold the bloody mothereffing door.
I’M SO OUTRAGED. Did you have to kill the last, innocent character George R.R. Martin, you big bully?! Excuse me while I go season a serve of bacon, eggs and blood sausage with the salt of my tears.
PS: Does this mean that Bran could have been secretly manipulating everything in the future, by affecting the past? My brain can’t handle this and it’s only Monday.
Image credit: Game of Thrones