Do we have a lot of free time on our hands? Maybe. Do we watch too much TV? Perhaps. Are the new size of Pringles tubes an abomination? YES YES YES.
Anyway, here are the top 30 trashiest reality shows on television right now.
30. RuPaul’s Drag Race
Because first off, it’s not trashy-it’s fabulous. And secondly, no one’s genitals are being operated on.
29. If You Are The One
Because there is no greater love story than a woman rejecting a Chinese bachelor because he won’t send his son to boarding school at eighteen-months-old.
28. Tiny House Hunters
Because if a forty-five-year-old woman wants to relocate her family of five to a refurbished horse float in rural Texas, then she’ll bloody well do it and she’ll film the whole damn thing.
27. The Bachelorette Australia
Because this one would be properly trashy if the men weren’t more concerned about making friends and eating KFC.
26. Come Dine With Me
Because nothing says class like being invited to a vampire-themed dinner party where you can go through the host’s bedroom, try on their faux Gucci spaghetti-strap dresses and trash talk their lamb vindaloo during the cab ride home.
Because there’s nothing more
satisfying heartbreaking than watching a woman who was convinced she was dating Lil Bow Bow meet the female amateur rapper who sent her $10,000 to make it seem more ‘legit’.
24. Keeping Up With The Kardashians
Because Why Keep Up With The Klimate and other social issues when you can keep up with the biggest fam in Hollywood (anyone who trash-talks the Kardashians has NO idea what they’ve been through).
23. I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!
Because if you’re eating rat’s toes, I don’t care how much of a sell out you are, full respect galfran, full respect.
22. The Real Housewives [Of Anything]
Because you’re not true friends unless you’ve slapped their sister, thrown their Schnauzer in a pool and accused them of pretending to have cancer.
21. Travel Guides
Because Gogglebox isn’t enough, we need to see everyday middle-class Australians building tents and sliding down sand dunes in saris.
20. The Bachelor (U.S.)
Because “even though this is the fourth time he’s been on the show, it must just mean he’s really dedicated to finding love”.
19. Married At First Sight
Because as long as they’re the same age, they’re MFEO. Even if they ask for a Polynesian husband, they don’t really mean it, give them a 53-year-old.
18. Seven Year Switch
Because everyone knows that the only way to salvage your seven-year relationship is by taking another lover on national telly.
Because the only thing better than watching trashy telly, is watching other people watch trashy telly on your trashy telly (??).
16. First Dates
Because the first rule of love is ‘leave it to the love experts, because if all else fails, they’ll at least get you 17 more Instagram followers and a meeting with a stranger’.
15. So Cosmo
Because why get a job when you can you watch half a dozen young people bitch about theirs over cocktails with their favourite gay best friends.
14. Say Yes To The Dress
Because how the hell can you say no to twenty-two minutes of bridal shopping with a ‘team of specialists’ and a $40,000 budget.
13. Vanderpump Rules
Because the only thing better than the Real Housewives is watching one of them run her ‘Sexy Unique Restaurant’ into the ground while the entire staff cheat on each other.
12. Summer House
Because watching six (grown) college football freshman compete against each other to be named ‘King Of The House’ is some nek lvl Playschool shit I can and WILL waste my time on.
11. Bride Or Prejudice
Because errbody knows that if your mum ain’t coming to your wedding now, she definitely will if you put her on national television and make her look like a dirt bag in front of everyone she knows and loves.
10. Geordie Shore
Because we’re all just doing research from the inevitable Australian version—Bogan Beach.
9. Love Island
Because it’s like Tasmania but better because nobody’s related.
8. Million Dollar Matchmaker
Because it’s not enough to match a gold-digger with a gold d*ckhead, the matchmaker has to be a millionaire as well.
7. Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire
Because we secretly all do (srsly, have you seen the price of petrol??) but don’t want to say it so we just live vicariously through a dozen women who have the balls to go after what they want.
6. Ex On The Beach
Because nothing says plot twist like the exact event stipulated in the show’s title occurring.
Because Cheryl-Maree’s dad sold his car to pay for her boob ten years ago and now they’re touching her knees and she’s too scared to tell him that he sold his livelihood to fund the destruction of her public image.
4. Dating Naked
Because let’s cut out the middlepant.
3. Teen Mom
Because nothing says we’re turning these kids’ lives around like making montages of them dropping f-bombs at their own mothers.
2. Long Island Medium
Because what kind of world do we live in where a psychic can profit from a host of grief-stricken, vulnerable and innocent human beings? A bloody great one.
1. Kiss Bang Love
Because, as the age-old Chinese proverb goes, ‘how can you know you properly love someone if a total stranger hasn’t slapped a blindfold on you, forced your lips onto someone else’s dirty mouth flaps and then broadcast it on national television”?
Image credit: VH1