57 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Married At First Sight

By Millie Lester
21st Feb 2018

married at first sight

We’re only two and a half weeks into this shitshow and already there’s been more drama in a dozen episodes than the last 150 years of Home & Away and Harry’s Practice combined. Troy, otherwise known as The Summer Bay Stalker, is quickly blossoming into every woman’s waking nightmare, while Dean is having blissful Visionz of what a future without emotionally shanking Tracey in the back with a rusty shiv each week would look like. The Love Experts are still doing sweet f*ck all.

Here are 57 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.

  1. Rule 1 of wooing a woman: don’t assume she’ll scrub your shower grout just because she has ovaries.
  2. Rule 2: don’t shake your greasy head at the camera when she pulls your downstairs-beard hairs out of the drain while choking back her own vomit.
  3. If Telv hadn’t taken Sarah to Kmart straight after reducing her to a Wetex with boobs, he’d be dead in my books. Now I’m obsessed with him.
  4. Meanwhile, Justin is showing off his multi-hundred-dollar business to Carly again, who’d rather be at home watching reruns of Air Crash Investigation and banging her head against a wall.
  5. He’s really hoping she’s been able to see the real him this week—an invisible yacht owner.
  6. Justin’s now explaining to Carly that he only gave the Love Idiots one criterion when he applied for this show: that she be irrationally OBSESSED with boats.
  7. Being un-infatuated with sea vessels is a deal breaker for him.
  8. He honestly wouldn’t care if she torched a local Presbyterian home, as long as her getaway vehicle was a superyacht.
  9. Why is he only bringing up this make-or-break relationship idiosyncrasy now? Because he wanted her love of boats to show itself ~organically~ throughout the course of The Experiment.
  10. Plot twist: Carly f*cking HATES boats. Especially 40-foot invisible ones that are captained by people who buy white faux leather modular lounges.
  11. Meanwhile, Troy is telling the camera that Ash got out of the wrong side of his sack of filthy linen this morning.
  12. I slow-clap Ash here on the couch every time I see her holding Troy’s hand. What a freaking trooper.
  13. I would prefer to eat shower grout than touch one of those fringe-fondling gorilla mitts.
  14. This brekkie scene with Troy’s ‘friends’ (his mum definitely gave two of his cousins a slab of Coronas to be there) is giving me life.
  15. Nothing says you look at yourself in the mirror too much like three people telling you, you look at yourself in the mirror too much.
  16. Troy is requesting that Ash say one positive thing about him a week. I am requesting that he cook plate of shredded cow never times a week.
  17. They are now having a full-blown public domestic because Troy reckons Ash isn’t putting in enough effort and Ash is simply arguing that a little part of her dies inside whenever she’s forced to make eye contact with him.
  18. I just stalked both of them on Insta during the ad break and either Troy has paid his mum to delete all the negative comments or PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE HIM AND I’VE GOTTEN THIS ALL WRONG.
  23. If you’re reading this and you don’t like raw beef mince, be sure to leave a nice comment on Ash’s Insta profile, if not a small donation towards her memory erasure procedure.
  24. Back at Telv’s dirty man cave, Sarah has clearly misplaced all her sports bras.
  25. Meanwhile, John has brought Mel along to a barbecue because he didn’t have time to stop at the IGA and pick up a box of Favourites.
  26. Davina keeps telling people that her and Ryan get on like a house on fire, but Ryan’s eyes are telling us that he wants to set HER on fire.
  27. Ryan’s dad is about to ask some very contentious questions about their relationship. I know because I can see them scribbled on a cue card hidden under the table.
  28. Over at the Cheater’s Chalet, we’re meeting some other important people in Dean’s life whose trust he’s probably decimated one or seven times before for recreational pleasure.
  29. Tracey is dropping absolute bombs AND IT’S ABOUT TIME. These siblings need to know the truth—that their brother is a bitch moll from hell!
  30. Dean takes his brother aside and explains that ever since that time Tracey wore Bratz Doll shoes and rhymed two sentences together, he’s known she’s the Sightz to his Visionz.
  31. Dean’s sister takes Tracey aside and doesn’t explicitly deny that he’s a crusty moll but does, however, reassure her that she can tell her brother reckons she’s a nice bit of crumpet he’d like to butter.
  32. Are they eating whole deep-fried chickens with mashed potato?
  33. Seriously, who the f*ck are Sean and Blair?
  34. That apparently doesn’t matter now that their seven second relationship is O-V-AH, thanks to a few choice words from Sean who apparently has the emotional range of a chicken nugget.
  35. Patrick and Charlene are bringing down the pace of the show. Give me more of Ash beating Troy at sports he’s bragged about winning trophies for.
  36. Troy: How do you like your eggs? Ash: Scrambled. Troy: Mince it is.
  39. Troy has just announced that he will let Ash watch him get a haircut. He is fairly confident this gesture of goodwill will make Ash want to batter-dip the corn dog later. 
  40. Ash spends the whole time trying to drink herself into a coma.
  41. Meanwhile, in the ultimate gesture of romance, Justin has told Carly to GTFO so he can sail his imaginary boat to the ‘Oscars of the soft serve machine maintenance industry’ in Milan.
  42. I’m quietly confident that Justin is on MAFS because he thought he was applying for an obscure industry award he could add to his LinkedIn profile.
  43. Telv and his step dad are the greatest love story of this season.
  44. Aah, the age-old question: Have youse been intimate? 
  45. After this emotional exchange between Telv and Russel, you can be pretty confident that Sarah will be permitting a bitta gland-to-gland combat tonight.
  46. Riddle me this: if Nasser is so averse to bumping uglies, why does he have ‘tempt’ and ‘love’ written on his bathroom wall?
  47. It’s probably an ode to Windex.
  48. Davina still doesn’t understand that the reason Ryan won’t give her little smooches on her forehead is because he hates her guts and wants her to die.
  49. Troy: Soooo, what types of pasta are you into? Ash: Ones with f*cking noodles you flaming idiot.
  50. Ash is taking no prisoners at dinner tonight. In fact, she’s taking her DVD of The Troy Show back to Sanity and demanding a bloody refund.
  51. Troy is about as socially inept as a rotting milk crate. He can’t understand why every time he tells Ash she’s being a piece of shit, she gets shirty.
  52. What kind of person storms off after their husband announces on national television that she’s showing him great disrespect by not smothering him in her dangly bits 24/7? ANY. SANE. PERSON.
  53. Especially when the husband DOESN’T BRUSH THEIR TEETH AT NIGHT?!!
  54. And takes an ENTIRE DAY to get a haircut.
  55. Troy: Please come to me, Ash. You shouldn’t be out in the cold at this late hour. Ash: Don’t Mr Darcy me, you yellow-toothed cheese-scrambler.
  56. I feel like I’ve seen this exact scene on an episode of Blue Water High.
  57. This is too much. I can’t. I just-I have to go.

Image credit: Married at First Sight, Channel 9

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