Fashion is a bit of a scary world, especially when your Instagram feed is constantly throwing up pictures of models and clothing accompanied by words you’ve never heard of and can’t pronounce.
It gets a bit hard to keep up with all the cool high-fashion lingo, but guess what guys—we’ve got your back (as per usual) and are here to help you wade through the sequinned waters of ‘high fashion’.
So if you don’t know the difference between a bodice and a box pleat, but want some jargon in your back pocket to whip out at bars and Tupperware parties, look no further.
- Refer to all articles of clothing in the singular, never the plural. Take for instance shoes and pants—they are always ‘a shoe’ and ‘a pant’. For example: ‘Hey Sebastian, you know what would look great with your man bun? A nice leather loafer.’
- Start describing your outfits using three randomly-selected words. For example: ‘Hey Benny, what are you wearing to the wedding tomorrow?’ ‘Oh cheers for asking Damo, I’m going for something a bit Cuban Sunday Sesh.’
- Always describe a white shirt as ‘crisp’. What is crispy about the shirt? We don’t know. Why is a white shirt crispy but a black shirt is not? We don’t know that either.
- If something is a one-off, i.e. you bought it at Good Sammy’s or found it on the bus, tell people it's bespoke.
- When you discover that you can wear your brand new top with your old jeans, say ‘I can work this back with my jeans.’ What does ‘work it back’ mean exactly? Apparently, it means you can wear the top with your jeans. Why do you say it? We’re not sure—your top is not working, nor is it working in a backwards manner. But just say it.
- If you’re wearing something really damn boring, describe it as ‘classic’. For example: ‘Hey Reginald, what are you rocking for the accounting conference next week?’ ‘I’m just going for a classic tan chino worked back with a crisp ivory shirt.’ This means Reginald is wearing brown pants and a white shirt.
- Say ‘timeless’. The high-farshun kids use this word to describe items they believe won’t go out of fashion five minutes after they purchase them. For instance, ‘Yes Becky you should DEFINITELY buy that multi-coloured crochet full length skirt with matching mittens, it is so timeless.’
- When you see something nice, instead of saying ‘Oh wow that’s a lovely dress’, remark with ‘OH MY GOD I CAN’T EVEN.’ That means you like it.
- Refer to all your sweaty, 15-year old gym gear as ‘activewear’. So when you duck to Coles after your Saturday morning spin class in your high school Rock Eisteddfod t-shirt and Big W leggings, you are not a disgrace; you are simply rocking your ‘activewear’.
- If you look like absolute crap one day, just put ‘chic’ at the end of your sentence to make it sound like you did it on purpose. For example: ‘Wow Carol, you really look like shit today.’ ‘Thanks Greg, I’m going for effortless-dumpster-chic.’
Image credit: Absolutely Fabulous