28 Things All Cautious Melbourne Drivers Understand

By Chelsey Johnston
6th Aug 2018

If you weren't born and raised in Melbourne, you were probably like me and had WTF moments the first time you had to actually drive here. Everyone is aggressive on the roads in Melbourne. Why are they just waiting in the middle of the road over there? Holy crap, that person just executed a perfect parallel park in 30 seconds.

It's enough to make you feel a little bit out of your depth. 

Here are 28 things that only cautious drivers in Melbourne understand (and I said cautious. Not bad. I've only crashed once this year, everyone). 

  2. WHY do they exist?
  3. You still don’t actually know how to do one, because you've never worked up the courage to give it a go. 
  4. Instead, you spend an hour driving straight through the city in peak-hour traffic, ignoring Google Maps that is telling you to turn right.
  5. Actually, Melbourne right turns in general.
  6. Only in Melbourne do you hang around in the middle of the road, crane your neck to try and fail to see if there’s oncoming traffic, close your eyes, say your prayers, swing around, and hope for the best.
  7. Why aren’t there more right turning arrows?
  8. Actually driving the instructed 40km/h through the West Gate roadworks.
  9. Getting stuck behind the d*ckhead that decided to indicate right at the last minute, because you’re too nervy to try a sneaky left merge.
  10. Missing your exit and getting stuck on the motorway for an extra 5km, because you’re pretty bad at merging in general.
  11. Driving on tram tracks and feeling your car wheel slide down them…the panic.
  12. Or else, driving ridiculously far on the side of your road to avoid that happening, almost hitting 17 Deliveroo drivers on the way. 
  13. Unsure if the childhood rule of having to lift your feet every time you pass train tracks counts for tram tracks as well?
  14. Feels a bit dangerous.
  15. Driving on St Kilda Road. Enough said.
  16. But what do you do when you get stuck on the inside lane and you need to be on the outside?
  17. How do you get out??? There’s trams on one side and grass on the other!
  18. Playing chicken on roads with cars parked on both sides. Who’s really meant to pull over and wait?
  19. We know it’s the person driving on the right—but is it their right or our right?
  20. Parallel parking with cars waiting behind you is just. Not. Going. To. Happen.
  21. The intersections in North Melbourne where you’re meant to drive into the middle of the road and wait.
  22. How do you where to stop? And then when to go?
  23. When people tell you to chuck a ‘uey’…in the middle of a main road.
  24. We’d rather not die today, thanks though. 
  25. Getting immense road rage at all the arrogant drivers that cut you off and switch lanes rapidly.
  26. But secretly feeling envious, because you know they’re probably getting to work early
  27. And not late, like you.
  28. Because—oh FFS!—this freakin' Ford is turning right again, and you’re gonna be stuck behind him until the next set of green lights.

Image credit: Ben Tyers

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