Funny

66 Thoughts We Had During Week 5 Of The Bachelorette

By Millie Lester - 20 Oct 2017

bachelorette-australia-2017-week-5


Somehow five weeks has slipped by since Jarrod made Sophie stomp on six kilos of Woolies white seedless grapes and already we’re being welcomed into the homes of Australia’s most eligible suitors/deranged psychopaths. Blake’s snuck in an extra round of his smile, Stu’s had the flares widened on his bootleg jeans, Apollo’s rescued a baby from a burning building and Jarrod’s built a moisture-proof dome over his shrivelled love fern. Basically, it’s been another week in paradise.

Here are 66 thoughts we had during week 5 of The Bachelorette:

  1. When the cameras are off, I just imagine the guys sitting around doing head counts.
  2. Like, how many of us left in the competition, boys? How many of us in the kitchen right now, boys? How many of us took our echinacea tablets this morning, boys?
  3. ONE LESS THAN YESTERDAY, JARROD. PUT SOME SUNSCREEN ON.
  4. For the love of God can Stu please stop putting gel in his hair, it’s literally adding years to his age. And mine too. I cannot cope with the fringe wave ON TOP of the apple-bottom jeans and boots with the velcro.
  5. Stu is also approaching Jarrod territory in terms of possessiveness.
  6. I know he comes from an age where men literally owned their wives, but hun, times have changed. Women can vote now. They still only earn 87 cents to the dollar in Australia but at least the price of rotisserie chickens are going down and staying down at Coles.
  7. Let’s get the ball rolling on this group date. I want to see Jarrod punch a fence when Blake wins some alone time with Sophie.
  8. ‘Chief Matching Specialist’ cannot be a position someone in our national workforce is being paid to hold.
  9. Then again, someone’s giving the ‘Love Experts’ on Married At First Sight a salary and I tell you what, if I find out it’s coming out of taxpayer money, I’ll punch a fence with both fists.
  10. This personality pie graph compatibility test is about as flawed as the entire plot line of Stuart Little 2.
  11. I hope there’s a thick enough ‘steal your skin and wear it as a coat’ wedge for Jarrod’s personality pie chart.
  12. I honestly don’t think I’d even care if James’ entire chart said ‘ long-term emotional manipulation’. Seriously. Dat. smile.
  13. As the American bloke says, this next outfit challenge will really cast the spotlight on Sophie’s future soul mate.
  14. Or alternatively just expose the men who don’t know the difference between a skirt and a boob tube.
  15. You can tell from the way Jarrod’s treating that mannequin that he’s had experience dismembering women before.
  16. Quite frankly I’m surprised he didn’t pull his own creepy turtleneck off and make some obscure declaration about ‘giving Sophie the clothes off his own back’.
  17. Part three of this group challenge would be the most feasible compatibility test yet if all three of these mopheads weren’t writing down the exact same answers.
  18. And Jarrod could spell ‘Maldives’ correctly.
  19. Where would Stu like to live? Probably anywhere his kids aren’t.
  20. What would Stu really do with $100mil? Probably buy his way onto another reality show to rebuild his public image after trash-talking homeless people on another reality program that aired earlier this year on SBS. Oh wait.
  21. I’m still yet to see a shred of chemistry between the old fella and Sophie. Every time they’re alone together I just assume it’s because she’s teaching him how to send a text message or check his email or something.
  22. Stu has literally been here for like four days and already he’s divorced his children and announced that he’s more compatible with Sophie than his wife of fifteen years.
  23. I think Blake is just as confused as we are that he’s still here. But he can smell that Schwarzkopf brand ambassador deal so he’s going to ride this train ‘til it derails and kills him.
  24. There have been A LOT of animals in this season of Bachette. It’s like Matty J’s all-consuming sportscar fetish all over again.
  25. I can’t believe Blake’s never milked a goat before.
  26. There is literally more chemistry between the cutlery on that benchtop than there is between Sophie and Blake.
  27. Whoever set up these outdoor picnics must have a wild Pinterest board.
  28. Pash and dash, Sophie. PASH AND DASH.
  29. These cocktail parties have become infinitely less exciting since Jarrod’s love fern started growing.
  30. Stu’s going to get pantsed in the bathroom later for beating Jarrod to the stairs when Sophie appeared.
  31. Time to watch Blake get thrown in the back of a Mitsubishi.
  32. WHAT. Watch Apollo get thrown in the back of a Mitsubishi?
  33. ESCANDALO. IT’S JAMES.
  34. IT’S SOPHIE’S BETRAYAL THAT’S AS DEEP AS THE OCEAN TONIGHT.
  35. WE FORGOT TO REMEMBER THAT SHE CAN BE POISON.
  36. I would rather stick an entire cutlery set in my eye than watch this next episode.
  37. But here we are.
  38. At least maybe we’ll finally see the room in Jarrod’s house where he keeps all his other girlfriends chained up.
  39. The bloke clearly wrote into Dolly Doctor for some advice before home visits and was apparently told to make Sophie jealous, which might explain why he just tongue kissed his mum.
  40. Either he inherited his dad’s complexion or his mum’s wearing six inches of concealer.
  41. Jarrod’s dad has clearly injected his psychopathic genes directly into Jarrod’s eyeballs.
  42. Anne - ‘Let me take you to the woman cellar—I mean wine cellar’.
  43. Jarrod’s mum is the lovechild of Andy Murray’s mum and Cruella de Vil.
  44. The Vineyard Vulture cannot possibly love Sophie already. It took me four seasons of Grey’s Anatomy to even begin to see the appeal of McDreamy.
  45. Apollo’s family are horses!! I mean it’s unexpected but I guess it makes sense.
  46. No hang on, they’re just pets.
  47. Is it weird that Apollo’s human family call him by his stage name?
  48. Imagine having Sophie Monk pashing your son in your backyard while you do the dishes. Now there’s a killer Never Have I Ever.
  49. I wonder which of Stu’s mansions we’ll be seeing tonight. Maybe the mud brick one he built by hand in 1846.
  50. It honestly just sounds like a year ago Stu went, “oi, wanna come on me boat?”, and Sophie said, “fark orf, I’d rather hold a goat’s nipple”, and now Stu’s been forcing her onto every possible boat within reach ever since as punishment.
  51. “I really love this little cove” says Stu looking out over the whole of Sydney Harbour. I’m glad Soph’s found someone so grounded and not out of touch with reality at all.
  52. The rest of the boys must be absolute duds if Sophie chooses the infertile married one to start a family with at the end.
  53. Is the boat the only family we’re meeting orrrr?
  54. Stu’s siblings look like the kind of people who’d deny you a home loan.
  55. Every time Sophie and Stu kiss, a puppy dies.
  56. I feel like Blake and Sophie could be great together if he wasn’t such a knob.
  57. You can just tell that she’d rather kiss a piss-soaked love fern than lay her lips on Blake’s face flaps.
  58. Every sentence that comes out of his mouth is literally a line I’ve scraped together in a job interview: “this move feels 100% right for where I’m at in my life right now. I’m ready to commit to something long term and I can see us together for a really long time. I think I’m exactly what you’re after”.
  59. Blake’s family is everything I’d hoped and prayed for.
  60. But Blake’s got all of seven minutes left in this competition.
  61. He’s said less than four words during the entire meal. He was probably Snapchatting pics of Sophie’s cans to Sam tbh.
  62. I can basically fast forward through this cocktail party and rose ceremony. We all know who’s getting the boot. Plus I haven’t felt any emotions since James left.
  63. Jarrod’s madly in love with Sophie when he should be madly in love with Banana Boat SPF50+.
  64. And now Blake is just plain mad because he listened to all the advice Ryan gave him about treating women and he didn’t get a rose?!
  65. At least now he’ll be able to refocus his time on an ‘I Hate Jarrod Club’ dedicated Instagram account.
  66. The only thing giving me life right now is knowing there’s an 85% chance Jarrod will cry next week and punch his hand through a wall.

Keep up to date with all of our Bachie news as it comes to hand right here.

Image credit: Channel 10

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