Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
It's clear to all and sundry that you're a fan of the smarter types when it comes to love, so maybe it's time to play tactically when it comes to those late-night hook ups. What's that? You're short on cash because you overspent on last month's budget, as you always do? Time for a little Tinder food stamps action—no shame, Aries!
Where you need to go this week: Hopefully to one of these. Just remember to forget your wallet...
You haven't been flying your own flag enough lately, which is strange, because usually you're the first to champion that last deal you signed/promotion you got/comp you won. It's time to turn up the self-promotion and start shouting about just how damn great you are. Just remember who you're talking to... Perhaps your boss doesn't need to hear that you won your footy club's beer pong last weekend?
Where you need to go this week: Being a success all starts with good hair, right? Just ask Becky.
A wise man once said… well, he said nothing. He just listened. It’d do you good to take a leaf out of the wise man’s book this week, Leo. Trust us, it’ll save you a helluva lot of angst if you can shut it, plough on, and buy a round.
Where you need to go this week: Heading out? We recommend one of these espresso martinis.
Gemini you cheeky devil, we know what you did last week. If you’ve got the guilts, ease up on yourself. Though your life may still not be what you’d like it to be, there’s more important things to focus on in the next few days. Like parties! And cake! And Wine! Treat yo’ self.
Where you need to go this week: Want to have your cake and eat it too? Pick one up here.
Last week your planetary powers started to shift from the east to the west, meaning that you’re going to have to adapt to some change. Best to lie low over the next few days, maybe even get outta town.
Where you need to go this week: Want to go M.I.A? These coastal stays are just what the doctor ordered.
Career is still the main headline this week, Virgo. Some of the progression may be behind the scenes, but trust us, it’s happening. Don’t be afraid to schmooze your boss a little—actions speak louder than words. Coffee speaks loudest of all.
Where you need to go this week: Looking for a new coffee haunt? Search by suburb here.
With end of financial year fast approaching it’s time to spend some of that hard earned cash on all your favourite things—clothes, food and takeaway. If only there was someone you knew who would love to accompany you on these sloth-like shopping and eating extravaganzas…
Where you need to go this week: Drop into one of Melbourne’s Best Secret Fashion Finds to avoid wearing the same top as your co-worker for the third day in a row.
Scorpio, you’re in denial and it’s time for an intervention. Put away the crop tops and the denim shorts, the sun has long gone and you look like fool shivering in your flip-flops. We know winter isn't the most enjoyable season of the year, but the sooner you accept that summer has moved on (and is quite happy without you), the better off you'll be.
Where you need to go this week: We know winter sucks—get some of Melbourne’s best Laksa in your belly instead of sulking. No one can be grumpy with Laksa on the table.
So you infected your entire workforce with the flu because you’re a giant workaholic and now everyone (quite reasonably) hates you? Take a break Sagittarius, the report certainly won’t write itself if you’re dead.
Where you need to go this week: While you’re curled up at home, make sure you check out Melbourne’s best food hacks and food delivery services for Insta-worthy meals from the comfort of your couch.
Love is in the air this June! Between parties, gatherings and catch-ups, Cupid is hot on your tail like an overenthusiastic puppy you’ve kinda gotten tired of petting. This week is promised to bring a plethora of romantic options. Quality is not guaranteed.
Where you need to go this week: You can’t find true love if you don’t know yourself—here’s one article that should help narrow things down.
What the actual f#ck is this cold weather even about?! Time to lock in that winter warmer of a bf/gf for the season so that you don't end up shivering, alone, watching OITNB reruns all season. Get back on that dating circuit and, if you've already got a human hot water bottle candidate lined up, make sure they know how much you appreciate their body heat, if you're catching what we're throwing
Where you need to go this week: Don't go anywhere, make them come to you.
You've been dwelling a LOT on past mistakes lately, but guess what? Nobody else is thinking about them as much as you are. Ditch the regrets and recoup with some of mum/dad's home cooking, then set yourself up for a weekend of maximum socialising. Feeling stressed at the idea of filling your down time with other people? Treat yourself to as many Ubers as you can afford to make things as cruisey as they can be.
Where you need to go this week: If you do end up catching up for a family feed, pick up a little something special from here.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Ellen Seah, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae