Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Now's not the time to slack off, Aries, especially when it comes to putting yourself out there in social scenarios. You never know who's listening to your convos when you're partying in a group, so make sure you're putting your best foot forward and being the life and soul when poss—this Winter, you're gonna make a heap of new friends who'll give you a foot up when you need it in Spring...
Where you need to go this week: Life and soul of the party?! Why not host your own?
You've been investing a lot of time and energy in other people lately, but is it paying off? You're stubborn and loyal, that's for sure, but sometimes you've gotta check yourself and do what's right for YOU, not what's right for that Tinderella you pashed three months ago who hasn't treated you for dinner, but keeps hitting you up for life advice. Say 'sayonara' to those energy-sappers, pronto.
Where you need to go this week: Anywhere, so long as it's 100% where you want to go .
For all your good intentions, the next week isn't going to deliver, Leo. We suggest you lie low. Grab a blanket, log in to Netflix and hibernate.
Where you need to go this week: No where. Need a Netflix suggestion? Check out our recommendations.
Keep aiming high, Gemini. As your stars align and the planets get their game together, there's room to really kick some goals. Ask for that promotion. apply for that job. Win at life.
Where you need to go this week: Celebrate your success with your very own espresso martini.
Feeling a bit under the weather, Cancer? Rug up, be kind to yourself and for the love of wine, don't exercise in the cold. Good health and good friends are just around the corner.
Where you need to go this week: Warm thy soul with one of Melbourne's best bowls of pho.
Virgo, you bad and wicked imp, karma's a thing, you know that, right?! We're all for a bit of fun, but try not to take it to far - it's all fun and games until some calls the cops. All things love and money are looking rocky for the next week or so, Virgo. Hang on tight and try and behave yourself.
Where you need to go this week: Need to expend some of that energy? Go for a winter walk.
Sickness will come for you this month Libra. No matter how many vitamins and minerals, shots and tablets you eagerly chow down, we’re afraid to tell you that it’s happening whether you like it or not. When the flu hits – don’t force yourself to leave the house. No one wants to see you.
Where you need to go this week: Stay home with these delectable foodie-friendly food hacks instead!
Tensions between your home and career life are running high this week, but it’s all about balance and compromise. Sit down with your hubby sometime this week to reconnect and revitalise your relationship. Make sure you mention that you’re adding dish duty to his chore chart.
Where you need to go this week: Treat yourself since you dealt with that #situation so well.
So we’ve officially hit the halfway mark of 2016, and maybe your career isn’t really progressing as quickly as you hoped. Or at all. Take a step back and breathe in Melbourne’s two degree air! Good things will (sometimes) come to those who wait.
Where you need to go this week: In the meantime, take control of a new winter look!
June is the month of parties for you! To your great delight, the invites have already started flooding in. You’re practically the Kimmy K of Melbourne. But be careful about what you wish for, with so many opportunities to meet and greet people from all walks of life, you might find something (or someone) you like who’s just not that into you.
Where you need to go this week: Still living at home? That’s probably why they’re not into you.
If you feel like it's time to ditch your stoner mates who make you look like a layabout by association, then it most definitely is. Sure, everyone likes to mellow out a little, but do you think Beyonce got to where she is today by hanging out with a crew who never get out of their pyjamas? NO. Start networking like a Knowles and you'll have your own Bey-hive following in no time.
Where you need to go this week:
Ambitious people eat ambitious snacks, right?
Traditionally, fish aren't known for their nesting skills, but this week you're craving a little home comfort, or perhaps a whole change of scenery! Don't mope around thinking about what could be: Start that Pinterest board, join Flatmate Finder, and get choosing your own home life destiny. Whether it's as big as a change of suburb, or as small as a new succulent for your windowsill, now's the time to act.
Where you need to go this week:
A house auction, your local design store, a homewares-loving op shop... Just don't go to Ikea.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Ellen Seah, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae