Funny

Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Peter Tzimos - 22 Nov 2016


Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we've created you horoscopes for real people—who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty and LOLs. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.

Pisces

Oh, Pisces, we adore how hard you work, and you look cute doing it—but you need to take a well-deserved break. Kick off the running shoes, stop making plans you know you don’t want to commit to, and try and catch up on Gilmore Girls before you see spoilers from the reunion.

Where you need to go this week: Don’t leave your seat missy— get lost online instead.

Aries

We only have three words for you—keys, wallet, and phone. Forgetfulness is in the stars for Aries this week, but don’t think that only applies to physical possessions. Remember to wash your hair, take your boyfriend or girlfriend for a walk, and take your dog out for date night (that was not a typo).

Where you need to go this week: This place will make sure you never forget your burger-loving roots.

Taurus

Life has served you up a whole lot of lovers on a platter recently, so take a lucky dip and indulge. The planets are urging you to explore your options, but make sure your wallet is ready for the many romantic evenings that are sure to pop up.

Where you need to go this week: If you’re looking to impress, then we’ve got you covered right here.

Leo

Your mum should tell you to “take a chill pill” because frankly, Leo, you’ve been a bit of a mess recently. Double texting after he didn’t reply for three days? Having six cheat days in one week? Honey, you need to get your life in order, so don’t let your emotions get the better of you, and relax.

Where you need to go this week: Float away your woes at this cool relaxation haven.

Gemini

The Supermoon is your enemy this week, and she has predicted some unfortunate luck specifically for Gemini—flat tyres, burnt toast, maybe even the return of an unwanted ex. But fear not! Clear skies are coming up fast, so try not to dwell on that which you can’t change.

Where you need to go this week: If you need a little retail therapy to cheer you up, this will do the trick.

Cancer

My, oh my, you’ve been busy haven’t you? We know about that three-day bender you took last week, and the recovery you’re in for this week. Try to forget about those faceless hook-ups and endless tequila shots, and think about what your mother would say if she knew. You should be ashamed, but that’d make us all hypocrites as well, so don’t feel too bad.

Where you need to go this week: Try to consume something other than Berocca with this excellent DIY hangover cure.

Virgo

Unlike the star-crossed lovers over at Taurus, this week there is no love in your sights (apart from your cat). Buy some popcorn, throw on your fave rom-coms and try not to eat too much Ben and Jerry’s in between crying. But soon enough your love life will take a positive turn—keep your chin up, kid.

Where you need to go this week: Look no further for this perfect combination of some classic comfort foods.

Libra

Unsurprisingly, you’ve burnt through last week’s paycheck and are well on the way to demolishing this week’s. Put down the new dress, and only order one course at dinner, because let’s face it, you’re not Donald Trump (thank god). You’ll thank us next week when you’re not begging your parents for rent money.

Where you need to go this week: Ideally, you should cook at home, but if you must go out, here are some saver-savvy ideas.

Scorpio

It’s been a stressful few weeks for Scorpio, so we suggest a bit of a cleanse to get rid of any memories of bad first dates and unwelcome visits from the family. Green tea, yoga and spring cleaning always seem to do the trick for us—or you could just skip the country?

Where you need to go this week: While you’re at it, go all out and redecorate—starting with here

Sagittarius

The stars have alerted us tensions at work in recent times, so make sure you’re getting in a bit of R’n’R in between long hours at the office. Give your parents a call and take that extra second to eat a proper breakfast before you drive yourself crazy. You deserve it.

Where you need to go this week: There’s always time to let loose at the staff Christmas party— here are our tips to making sure it’s a cracker.

Capricorn

All things artsy have caught your eye lately, so make sure you explore your creative side this week. Pick up the closest pen, paintbrush or instrument and get those juices flowing for some quality time spent alone. If you have no ideas, then just sing your heart out in the shower until you hear your neighbours knocking to complain.

Where you need to go this week: If you’re looking for something a bit more profesh than your scribbles, have a read of our advice first.

Aquarius

We know you’re a sucker for an early night in and a hot cup of cocoa, but you’ll have time to be old when you’re in a retirement home. Until then, try to live it up a little. Don’t ignore your mate’s invite out, and don’t ever pass up a second round of drinks – you’ll be a night owl in no time.

Where you need to go this week: you need to get some high-class cocktails to remind you how good a night out really is – and we’ve got the perfect place right here.

Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.

Design Credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

Our best stories, direct to your inbox, helping you to out-trend your mates every weekend...

You May Also Like