Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Amber De Luca-Tao
6th Jun 2017


After reading last week’s less than desirable fortune, you probably vowed to never check your horoscope ever again. But alas, here we are. Sadly, this week is most likely not getting any better for you… soz not soz. As always, we’re here to suggest places for you to hide/cry/celebrate and things for you to make/ingest/scull.

Well what are you waiting for? Here’s what you’re *really*  in for this week.


It looks like your next couple of days are shaping up to be crappier than today’s weather forecast. We’re talking gloomy with a 95% chance of sh*t storm, and that’s putting it lightly. Might want to ease up on the old passive aggressiveness to avoid locking horns with your coworkers. Things will all clear up at the end of the month, hang in there.

You should also probs stop making these majorly cringe-worthy mistakes on Tinder.


If it were professionally acceptable to do so, you’d list ‘ridiculously needy’ and ‘over-emotional’ as top skills on your resume. So just keep in mind that when your friends crack it at you for tagging them in too many memes this month, don’t take it personally. Maybe relax with the tags… at least until Uranus has exited your second house.

Maybe checking out this botanical emporium might alleviate some of the pain.


NASA would never admit this, but just between us, we have pretty good reason to believe Jupiter nearly collided with Venus this month. Consider this near-miss atmospheric catastrophe your green light from the Powers That Be to get that lil’ extra bit rowdy this week. Any chance you get. Did you forget to wear undies tomorrow?

Need some ideas to get you started? Here’s five of them.


Here’s the vir-dict. This week Mars is coming in hot and your House of Commotion is very much ignited. By the end of today, a galaxy-sized dose of drama is very much a go. You may as well consider yourself Melbourne’s next hit reality TV show, for this month at least.

Don’t feel like leaving the house after reading that bombshell? Perhaps you could stay in and make your own mulled wine.


It’s time to accept that some things will just never work… like the soft serve machine at Maccas. Being friends with your ex? Basically the same deal. Your penchant for flirting is a reminder that you need to start paying attention to those on-the-go’s you’ve been neglecting. This week the Mercury is definitely rising, and we’re not just talking about your planet.

You’re not the only one in Melbs with the ‘hot lips’. Cheers to Hot Lips Hacienda, you’ve got competition.


Your fight to stay determined last month will soon be a thing of the past. This week, things are looking up. All that recent action in the gym is going to result in some real action (winky face). You’ve even inspired your lurrrrrv planet to do cartwheels in space this week.

Just to make sure you’re on the right track, maybe get some last min squats in at Gymmy Squatz. Squat hard or go home.


Oops you did it again. Britney would be glad to hear it, but your friends sure as hell aren’t. You drunk texted bae on the weekend again and according to the stars, ‘wyd’ at 5am doesn’t deserve a reply. What can we say, Sagittarius, you’re irresponsible AF, and being witty has never been your trump card. This week your lucky stars are here to help you out. You’ve got better luck teed up for this weekend.

You’re friends are getting engaged and you can’t even get a text back? We get it, life’s a bitch. But a Rustica Crème Brûlée doughnut can fix that.


The only drive you’ve had recently is the one to get ice-cream. The middle of this month will send your planets totally out of whack. But remember that goal you set at the start of the year? It’s not going to achieve itself. As we speak, Saturn is aligning itself perfectly just for you, act now for best results. Don’t let it do all the work.

Can’t make sense of anything cause you can’t see clearly? That’s nothing Dresden Optics can’t sort out.


Like the autumn leaves still hanging around (seriously what’s up with that?), your struggle to move on is v real. There are some major movements happening in your fifth house at the end of this week. Fate’s got you sorted.

Believe it or not, you will make it through the winter. And because sharing is caring, here’s our tips on how.


Noticed all those hawwwties you’ve been crossing paths with recently? Well watch out for the super tall one you locks eyes with for an extended period of time on Friday night. Like the black cat, they’re bad luck. Avoid eye contact like the plague.

But just in case you end up making accidental eye contact, you can always jet off to Goa. We’ll just leave these 7 reasons here, you know, in case of emergency.


Your impartiality to psychotic and irrational behaviour has meant you’ve submitted to all kinds of questionable behaviors last week. Those winter sales you’ve been getting around recently? They’re like a drug. They can get you high as the sky and leave you feeling the lowest of lows. All this retail ‘therapy’ isn’t going to fix those problems you’ve been tucking away. You should start sorting them out before your orbits combust.

Side note: we hear making your own cocktails can be quite therapeutic.


Can’t beat em’, join em’. This week for you folks it’s all about jumping on the bandwagon. That fashion trend you’ve been too nervy to pull off? Do it. Changing your profile picture twice in one month? Consider it done. Go on, be a devil. That falling star didn’t explode for nothin’.

Can’t decide where to start? We’ve found 17 free things for you to do in Melbourne this month. Getting on board, won’t cost ya a thing.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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