Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Amber De Luca-Tao
20th Jun 2017


Some weeks, life's a bit like a game of Monopoly: you're kind of enjoying the ride but really, deep down, you're wondering what's the point (and why everyone else seems to have more cash than you do).

We couldn't score you a get out of jail free card this week, but we did find what out what you’re *really*  in for. Buckle up, guys. We're going full zodiac. 


Been trying to read your signs more lately? The metaphorical ones that are meant to ensure your path to greatness? Well that's great, but you might wanna start checking those ones on the side of the road that tell you which speed limit to drive at (before you cop another fine). Slow and steady, Gems. 

But in case you can’t help doing those extra km’s on the M1 (ya bloody idiot), maybe you should walk to the Royal Exhibition Building this weekend. There’s a massive Italian food festival on.


The universe isn't always accurate about giving us the things we want in life, kinda like the people who work at Facebook. (No, FFS, we did not want to be reminded of that moment that occurred one year ago on this day?!?!? What the hell!!?!!) It might be one of FB's biggest downfalls, but it’s also a good reminder of how far you’ve come (from dating that flog this time last year. Your friends are right, you can do sooooo much better). Consider this a reminder of just how much you've grown over the last 12 months.

In the mood for all kinds of inspiration? Here’s nine places in Melbs that will leave you feeling inspired.


Like to think you’re the leader of the pack? Well this week your stars are showing signs of a new Leo on the block, and they like their drama shaken, not stirred (only ‘cause they can’t have both). There’s one hell of a clash this week and we hear the Gods are coining this one 'World War Leo'.

Need to increase your muscle mass for the big 1v1 later this week? Pump some iron down at Dukes Gym.


You’ve been copping so many losses recently… even your AFL team struggled big time on the weekend. They probably won’t be making Finals, but that doesn’t mean you that you aren’t on your way to winning this season. Your House of Triumph is up and about this week and it's sending you in the right direction.

Want to make sure you're always winning in the love department? We recommend booking in your next date night at Henry Sugar.​


The buses may struggle to get it right but for the Scorpio this week, timing is everything. Before you fall asleep on your phone, bantering with the squad in the group chat again, set that alarm. We know the convo is always inconveniently lit right before you go to bed, but sleeping-in is gonna result in some pretty interstellar-scale disasters this week. Set the alarm, not alarm bells.

If all goes to schedule this week, you might even be able to squeeze in a visit to ELK in Preston. They’ve got allllll the accessories.


This week is all about truth, #letsbehonest. We know you planned to apply your third layer of fake tan this week, but TBH given that Saturn is spiralling into your second house at a slower rate this cycle, you're locked in for a week of cloudy with a chance of rainstorm. It might be a good idea to leave that Le Tan bottle on the shelf. Streaks on Snapchat are cool – on your skin… not so much.

But you know what is cool? Benny Burger. Yeah it is!


There's no signs of a meteor shower in your galaxy this week, but on the corporate front, consider this your green light to start that ruthless business you've been secretly scheming. It might mean that your colleagues will be hating on you, but that promotion you’re gonna lock in over the next few months will be a reminder that a) haters gon’ hate and b) you don’t play friendly. Not since the kinder sandpit at least.

Speaking of kinder, you might remember these 18 things if you grew up in Melbourne.


We’ve been dying to tell you guys this… but green is just so not your colour. We think you should try something a little bit more orangey, like your planet, Jupiter. It might assist in reducing those jealousy levels this week and get you feeling a lil’ bit more joyful. According to the position of Jupiter's orbits this week... now’s a good time for change.

In the market for an eyebrow revamp to complement your wardrobe revamp? We hear the Lash & Brow Boudoir in Prahran can do just the trick.


What can we say, you’ve got more issues than Vogue. There’s no known cure for daddy issues, but we think if you started meditating or something, there’s a possibility you may just sort yourself out. It's been a while since your planets have been perfectly aligned, but there's a good chance if you quit hanging out with that 50-something dude (who isn’t your dad), they just might.

Having trouble filling up your spare time? Heres's five awesome things to do in Melbourne this week.


This week for you is all about freedom for the Aries. To do whatever, to do whoever and to go wherever. Been thinking about travelling later this year? Well start getting those plans into motion this week to score those ripper deals and sweet Airbnb locations, you’re going on a vacay! Four words, one motto: catch flights, not feelings.

Unsure about the location? We've got reason to believe that a coastal trip is on the cards for you. We've got some hot tips on how to have a bloody ripper weekend up in Byron Bay.


Bubbles are known to have a 99.99% success rate of making life approximately 89.76% better. Sitting in them, drinking them (bet you imagined a champagne bath lol). Unfortunately, we aren’t recommending you to pour all two bottles of champagne you own into your bathtub, but you should defs get on the fizzy, golden, drinking bevs kind on the weekend. Your eighth house is as excited about this as you are.

While we’re on the topic of alcohol, we think you should know about these 30, very real and interesting things that happen when you give up wine, not that that’s actually gonna happen… but yeah the more you know.


Can’t handle finances or relationships? As draining as they both may be, we’re in touch with your higher powers this week and they’re sending you one message: keep investing. You’re meeting your soul mate this week and dinner’s on them. What a transaction!

Sounds like you could do with a winter getaway. Here’s six things you absolutely need to make it the best evvvva.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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