Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Greta Waters
31st Oct 2017

Why hello November! You snuck up on us there. We might not have been ready for you, but we have so many questions, like, how many more sleeps until Christmas? We heard you bring more sunshine and less work (thanking you, Cup Day public holiday!) You’re alright November, you can stay.

We could get used to this whole end of year thing—but let’s talk about you Listers—here’s what you’re *really* in for this week.   


Gems, you’re as cool as a cucumber that’s been left in the fridge by your drunk housemate. We all know you're the first to call the new season trends and drinking hot spots, but you aren’t fooling the charts. It’s time to make an effort and let those around you know how awesome they are. A little bit of kindness goes a long way.  

Grab your bestest nerd mate and treat them to a day at this Massive Robotics Festival.


Cancer, we’ve noticed that you’re drinking an abnormal amount of coffee this week. We’ve also noticed the chocolate wrappers under your pillow. It might only be Tuesday but it’s time to put your skates on and get through the week. Is it going to be easy? Nope. Will it be worth it? Abso-freakin-lutely!

If you need a bit of pizazz to get you going, hit up North Melbourne’s little shop of quirkiness.


Leo, is that really you? Has your inner-lion turned from metaphorical to physical? Your roar is extra loud this week, and trust us, it is not going unnoticed. Just do us a favour and focus this kick-ass energy into the stuff that matters, and no, binging Stranger Things on Netflix does not count.

Treat yo’ self to a strong drink and double-cooked chippies at the CBD’s newest bar.


Your family's considering a name change after your performance last week, Virgo. This week the charts are pointing to your House of Community – fight the f*ck ups by giving back. The universe needs you to pump the breaks and take it slow. Our best piece of advice? Think before you speak.

Why don’t you listen to what we were thinking during The Bachelorette Finale.


Life is all about balance right, Libs? The whole concept quite literally symbolises you. Your stars are asking you to re-evaluate the relationships around you, both friends and lovers—it seems a few are out of whack. The stars are on your side this week, they just want you to google the whole give and take thing.

For the ones that made the cut, share a multipack of these extra special Unicorn Golden Gaytimes.


Time for a change of scenery, Scorpios? We can literally see the zzz’s falling out of your ears. It’s time to dip into that juicy money jar that you’ve worked so hard for. The fresh air will align your snoozing chakras. Also, time away from the office will make your boss realise how important you are. *Cough* promotion *cough cough*

Work your way through the wine list at Pt. Leo Estate, c’mon we double dare ya!


Sags, was Kylie Jenner right? Is it the week of, like, ‘realising stuff’? While K-Jen’s cringe vid is seemingly vapid, the universe is on her side. Your brain cogs will be turning, and you will be realising things—whether you like it or not.

If you haven’t already realised, our city is full of awesome things to do. Here's a sample


Caps, pull your trench coat and binoculars out, it’s time to get your spy on! Your charts are predicting a week of secrecy and deceit. Sleep with one eye open, and keep those deep dark secrets close. PS: if black leather pants and turtlenecks are more your thang, go for it. Spies don’t discriminate.

Get some hot spying tips from these 13 True Crime Podcasts.


Aquarius, you're surrounded by money. But as quick as you make it, you spend it. We know you love eating out as much as we do, but rent is due next week and you can’t ignore your Afterpay any longer. Next time, think before you tap.

We would NEVER tell you to stop eating out, just use this money saving app before making any rash decisions.


Pisces, if you were any shallower we would stick you in the kiddies' pool at Carlton Baths. It’s time to consider a dive into the deep end and contemplate what really matters. The universe is asking you to look past the greasy hair and two-sizes-too-small t-shirt and focus on the inside stuff. Remember the outside stuff can be changed.

While you’re doing that, we will be sinking our teeth into six different types of chicken (yep, really).


Aries—listens to Rocky soundtrack once… kicks 100 life goals in a week. The universe knows how committed you are. Why not commit to the cute barista you share eyes with every morning? Commitment looks good on you, rock it!

At least commit to Tapas Tuesdays, four plates for $20 bucks… not bad.


Taurus, it’s time to take a step back and appreciate the small stuff, those simple life pleasures. Like completing a task before the microwave hits zero or laughing at your own jokes. You’re in serious need of a chill pill.

Since you were so busy, here's All The News You Missed last week.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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