When Mum comes to town, it’s hard to know the right places to take her, unless she’s a poor uni student or a brunch-obsessed advertising exec. Luckily for you, we’ve put together a comprehensive guide to hosting the ultimate Melbourne visit for every type of Spice Mum.
Your mum owns more Lorna Jane exercise tights than Donna Hay Christmas cookbooks. Last month she traded in the Pandora bracelet you bought her for her 50th birthday so she could buy a Fit Bit Charge 2, and when you’re not constantly forgetting she’s gluten-free every time she comes to Melbourne, you’re standing at the sidelines each May, avoiding eye contact, while your Mum runs the Mothers Day Classic alone.
Fortunately, we’ve put together a Melbourne itinerary that’ll really win her over.
If you have a Sporty Mum, take her to Toorak’s Yardmill to earn some hard-core brownie points. Yardmill is jam-packed with everything raw and organic and accommodates for almost every dietary requirement under the sun. You can assure her that nothing here will throw-out her half-marathon training plan.
A great place for you and your Sporty Mum to grab a drink is Arbory Bar & Eatery on the banks of the Yarra. This outdoor bar will a hundo puh-cent satisfy both her love of the great outdoors and your semi-serious addiction to G&Ts. It also offers a great vantage point for your mum to critique the running styles of passers-by.
Nothing will impress a Sporty Mum more than you displaying your own sporting prowess to her in a stunning outdoor setting. On a beautiful day, walking the Tan to Albert Park is a brilliant way to spend a morning or afternoon with your mum, and is a great opportunity for you both to show off your siq active wear.
Your mum wouldn’t be caught dead in Melbourne Central on a level lower than 2. She believes that flying with Jetstar is equivalent to selling your soul, eating in a food court is punishable by death and the closest she’s ever been to watching ‘trashy television’ was being given the first season of ‘Horatio Hornblower’ by Janine over the road.
Your Posh Mum only eats the best of the best, she knows the difference between a good wine and a Dan Murphy’s bargain bin bottle, and her friend Janet told her that Melbourne has an excellent food scene because she read it in Vogue Australia last week, so your Posh Mum’s expecting great things on her plate this visit. Fortunately, Dinner By Heston is here to take all your food stresses away. This award-winning and inventive restaurant makes phenomenal food, plus it’s also bloody expensive, so let’s hope Mum pays.
You definitely can’t take Posh Mum down to your local watering hole, because she’s still under the impression that you’re a mature adult who doesn’t binge drink Passion Pop to avoid paying for drinks and doesn’t need to see where you tear up the d-floor every Friday night. Fortunately, the Stables of Come do an incredible High Tea full of champagne mimosas, fluffy scones and finger sandwiches that’ll leave her convinced you’re absolutely an adult now.
Your Posh Mum’s fed and watered, so the only thing left is a trip to the NGV where you can check out the new Viktor&Rolf exhibiton and feast your eyes on some spectacular avant-garde fashion creations from the famous Danish designers.
Your mum’s either going through a mid-life crisis or menopause or both. Last week she got promoted to deputy head of the middle school and then went out and traded her Mazda 3 for a Toyota Hilux that same afternoon. She cried during an episode of Family Feud on TV last week, and the only reason you know that is because she live-streamed it on Facebook.
Scary Mum is very fragile at the moment, mostly due to last week’s episode of Offspring and the confronting new shape of Toblerone bars, so the Serotonin Eatery should be high on your list of Melbourne eats for scary mum’s next visit. To balance the scary, your mum can enjoy healthy plant-based foods that are proven to leave her happier and more relaxed, and hopefully less prone to singing Anastasia on the tram.
The next Melbourne must-see for Scary Mum is the Cat Café, which is literally a place you can enjoy a nice coffee that is filled with cats (not the coffee, the place). At the very least, she’ll have someone else to talk to here.
To top off a sane day of yummy food and cute cats, take your Scary Mum to a movie at the historic Astor Theatre in St Kilda where she can kick back a relax with a homemade choc top. Remind her that it is good manners to refrain from talking for the duration of the film.
Your mum is young at heart; she doesn’t use her chequebook to pay for groceries, her go-to shoes aren’t Sketchers and she doesn’t know Adele’s entire discography word-for-word.
Because baby mum is so down with kids, you can take her to some of your favourite hotspots without fear of judgement. Richmond’s Top Paddock is fun, classy and well-presented, just like you ask your mum to be when you introduce her to your friends, and also a great place to catch up over hotcakes and eggs benny.
Because your mum drinks things other than weak Pimms cocktails and mugs of Earl Grey, her visit is an excellent excuse to visit Melbourne first people-powered urban winery; Noisy Ritual (and get her to pay for everything).
It goes without saying that a Young Mum is a fun mum and a fun mum will go to Beyoncé-themed dance classes with you, no questions asked. Fortunately, Bey Dance in Brunswick has casual sixty-minute dance classes on Thursday and Friday nights for only $15, for all you disco divas and your Baby Mums.
Ginger Mum is a freak on the streets, and pedantic with her sheets. When she’s not calling you four times a week and putting you on the phone to the dog, she’s asking you what you want for Christmas in June and forwarding you chain emails.
If your mum’s full-cray then the food may as well be too. Take her to Easey’s in Collingwood who serve up delicious burgers, in a train, on a rooftop, for reals.
You probably shouldn’t encourage Ginger Mum to drink, but if you know she can handle the odd bevvie then take her to the Croft Institute in the city to knock back a couple of syringe shots in this quirky, offbeat bar that has the strange feel of an asylum, or for your mum—home.
If it’s heading towards the end of the visit and Ginger Mum is really starting grate your goat (both metaphorically and physically) drop her at the Gravity Floatation Centre where they’ll lock her in a pod of water and force her to calm TF down. This is truly the most indulgent relaxation therapy to hit the Melbourne scene and a brilliant excuse to have some me-time.
Image credit: The Dissh