We South Aucklanders are constantly defending ourselves against those tired cliches, but sometimes we just have to say: “okay, fair enough.” We fall victim to the ‘she’ll be ‘right’ attitude, gumboots and Swanndri dress code and small town syndrome more than any other part of Auckland, so instead of going South-Auckland on people’s asses (we’ve all been there), we should share a Speight’s with our out-of-town friends and relish in our experiences growing up South-side.
Here are 21 things you’ll understand if you’re from South Auckland:
1. Feeling smug when you go into central Auckland because your tractor is worth more than these shmucks’ beamers.
2. Going to Spookers might as well be a high school reunion because the scary clown was in your tutor class and you once had detention with the chainsaw-wielding hillbilly.
3. You’re 99% convinced that all the people in Conifer Grove are in a cult like that creepy village from Hot Fuzz.
4. Running into All Blacks’ at Countdown and ‘sup nodding them instead of trying to get a selfie because you have the good manners to let Keven Mealamu buy his groceries in peace.
5. Driving ‘round town on any given night wondering why the roads are so empty and then realising it’s ‘cause all the cars are in the KFC drive thru.
6. The chaos that is the KFC drive thru.
7. Going to town when you turn 18 and then never again because a plane ticket to Melbourne is cheaper than that taxi fare.
8. The malice you feel when you tell someone from Howick you’re from South Auckland and they say “me too!”.
9. Knowing you had a sick night on the town because it ended with some 3am ball smackin’ at the JK’s World of Golf driving range.
10. We all know the South-Side ‘S’ and we can all get it the right way ‘round first time.
11. You keep your eyes glued to the road on the Southern Motorway because the layout changes on a daily basis.
12. Going to your local and there’s absolutely no hot blokes around, then it turns out there were plenty, you just couldn’t see them because apparently, the pub dress code is camouflage Hunting & Fishing gear.
13. Speaking of pubs, if Speight’s isn’t on tap, you’re in trouble because when they say “Pride of the South” they’re talking about South Auckland. #TheMoreYouKnow
14. Every school had a student who ended up getting a tattoo of either: a) the school crest b) their post code or c) the area code for their landline.
15. The utter disappointment when you go to high school and there’s no Calf Club. Your lamb was so jacked up this year as well!
16. Driving your Toyota Hilux to get a 6-scooper Pokeno ice cream and you hit some rotten traffic because some scoundrel decided to take his Massey Ferguson tractor with a massive topper for a cruise.
17. Missing out on the frybread at the Otara markets because you sat at the railway crossing for ten years waiting for a freight train to pass.
18.The masterpiece that is Li’l Abners’ Yokum Burger.
19. That time Sean Kingston and Chingy played at one of the local pubs and the entirety of South Auckland lost their shit.
20. 90% of high school parties were held in someone’s shed, complete with hay bales and a skid paddock.
21. Making your primary school relationship official by going on a date to Rainbow’s End and coming to school on Monday with a photo keychain of the two of you kissing on the log flume.