30 Steps To Becoming A True Jafa

By Natasha Van Der Laan
26th Jul 2016

20 Amazing Things To Do In Auckland This Weekend

It takes a while to become one with Auckland’s delicious dumplings, expensive coffee and funny-looking dogs. And while there’s a whole raft of stuff you have to do before you can consider yourself part of the gang, The Urban List’s 30-step program will fast-track you to becoming a true Jafa (FYI that’s just another fantastic Aucklander). Want to know more? Read on (preferably while sipping on an organic matcha almond mylk latte).

1.    Bitch and moan about traffic, public transport and/or housing prices. Every. Damn. Day. 

2.    Floor-it if you don’t want to be the victim of angry honking. Back home, an orange traffic light means “slow down”. In Auckland, it means “speed up!”. 

3.    Get really into dumplings.  

4.    Shun anyone who declares they’ve found the best dumpling joint. Your latest find is so much better. 

5.    Celebrate your birthday with a good ol’ BYO. The more the merrier. The rowdier the better.

6.    Get a Karen Walker runaway girl necklace to match those Karen Walker rings of yours. 

7.    You’ll also need to invest in a pair of Karen’s sunglasses—your $20 sunnies won’t cut it in Auckland. Double points if you wear said sunnies indoors.

8.    Prepare to sacrifice a goat and your first-born child to afford a Deadly Ponies handbag. 

9.    Set up a fortnightly manicure appointment.

10.    Acknowledge your bus driver with a “thanks driver!” when you alight. 

11.    Hold your catch-ups over brunch—whilst wearing active wear, of course.

12.    You need to Instagram your brunch to validate it.

13.    Master navigating the backstreets of Auckland. You don’t sit in traffic for no-one.

14.    Start caring about your coffee. You’ll need to know the difference between a latte and a flat white.

15.    Start *really* caring about coffee. You’ll have the single cold drip with a side of organic hazelnut mylk, thank you very much.

16.    Let your love of coffee will infiltrate your Saturday night drinking. Yup, espresso martinis are your cocktail of choice. 

17.    Alternatively, give up caffeine in favour of turmeric lattes. Alternate with matcha and/or chai. 

18.    Declare yourself intolerant to just about everything. Meat. Dairy. Gluten. Sugar. Sulfites. Artificial colours. Natural colours. Natural foods. Nature. Life. 

19.    Make said intolerances everyone else’s business. Start by including them in your Instagram bio.   

20.    Cultivate an obsession with yoga.

21.    Younger than 30? Drive a VW Golf or Suzuki Swift. 

22.    Older than 30? Drive a four-wheel drive or Audi anything. 

23.    Fork out a zillion dollars to buy a dog with a squished face. 

24.    Fork out a zillion more dollars on vet’s bills because your dog is so inbred.

25.    Show your dog you love it by buying it a seasonal wardrobe—bow-ties and all. 

26.    Successfully finish a Little & Friday doughnut all by yourself. 

27.    Work yourself into a frenzy every time a multinational that is literally everywhere else in the world announces its opening in Auckland. Topshop, Zara and H&M, we’re looking at you.

28.    Smuggle a Cambelbak of beersies into a game at Eden Park.

29.    Disregard anything the weatherman says. You know better than to trust them.

30.    Contemplate country life and declare that actually, you’ll never leave this city. Auckland until you die. 

Speaking of Auckland, here are 43 Things That Will Annoy You If You Live In Auckland.

Image credit: Traveljee

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