As another episode of Keeping Up With The Kommitment Ceremony Khaos draws to a close, the wives are busy surrendering their right to own land, the husbands are ranking Jack The Ripper’s female victims by cup size, and I’m trying to scrape together half a dozen full sentences with the few remaining brain cells I have left.
While Tracey has naturally forgiven Dean for trying to swap her for a Falls Festival ticket on Gumtree, Troy is telling strangers on the street that Ash just entered the ovulation stage of her menstrual cycle and the Love Experts are busy watching ‘cat fail jump’ video medleys on YouTube.
Here are 44 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.
- As always, we open with six minutes of incoherent babbling from Dickhead Dean who is using grossly flawed logic to explain why he consistently comes off looking like the scum of the earth.
- If a man scans skinless Tasmanian Atlantic salmon as capsicum at the self-checkout, is he stealing? Not if it’s Boys Night.
- If a man cuts in front of a wheelchair-bound paraplegic in line for a handicap bathroom because he likes the extra leg room, is he an inconsiderate asshole? Not if it’s Boys Night.
- If a man takes ketamines, hotwires an ambulance and mows down a family a four in a Burger King carpark, is he guilty of a quadruple homicide?
- NOT IF IT’S GODDAMN FRIGGIN’ BLOODY BOYS NIGHT, SUCK SHIT COPPERS HAHAHA.
- According to Ladbrokes, Dean is on 1:1 odds of never participating in gainful employment ever again.
- Meanwhile, it’s rough seas for Justin and Carly as it seems no amount of supervised couch fondling and boat porn can ignite his cold dead soul.
- Over at the Mince Mansion, Troy is wearing his shirt backwards while telling the camera that’s it’s been a rocky couple of weeks for him and Ash because she has ‘visibly gained weight, become uglier and failed to batter his corn dog even once’.
- Ash then fast bowls a meat tenderizer at his jugular and Troy laughs, gives her a one-armed Voldemort hug and licks her eye while whispering, “my sweet little drama cabbage”.
- Over at Patrick and Charlene’s apartment, Charlene’s had an epiphany that a husband who feels emotions is ~probably~ better than one who’s trying to trade you for a box of Tazos and half a packet of Snickers’ Pods.
- The couples then break off into their gendered pre-couch chats where the women hand Tracey a drafted restraining order, a rape whistle and some nunchucks.
- The final Commitment Ceremony of the season kicks off with Sara and Telv on the couch praising John for his marriage counselling session last week, which consisted of back-to-back episodes of Dr Phil and a rock skipping competition.
- Telv then acknowledges that prioritising his wife over Candy Crush has seen their relationship go from strength to strength, however he still wants to push her in front of a bus for losing all his Snap Streaks.
- After choosing to stay in ‘The Experiment’ for the final week, Telv then runs outside to smash out a few levels of Two Dots before then coming back with a fistful of agapanthus from the front garden.
- Up next is Charlene and Patrick who are the only couple who couldn’t successfully plead insanity to a kidnapping charge.
- Dean: “You’re adopted”. Charlene: “I WILL NOT BE LECTURED ABOUT SEXISM AND MISOGYNY BY THIS MAN, I WILL NOT”.
- Nympho Trish then says, “cool story bro, but are you getting it daily, nightly and ever so rightly?”
- Charlene: “If you’re referring to blatant sexism from Dean, then yes, Nympho Trish, I am”.
- Dean denies everything, shakes his head and then animorphs into a sweating Redskin.
- Patrick reveals ‘stay’ on his Love Wallet, while Charlene’s says, ‘go feck yourself, Ruby, ya boy’s mine’.
- Up next is Carly and Justin who have about as much chemistry as a divorced couple at parent teacher night.
- After explaining to Justin that he has to bring more to the table than a framed receipt for a canoe he bought in 2005, Carly joins him in revealing that she will GTFO of the ‘The Experiment’ to find someone who at the very least won’t cheat on her with Nympho Trish’s 70-year-old sex shop manager, Irene.
- Mel and John then take the couch to announce that they are very much in love, and that sometimes they high-five behind closed doors to keep the magic alive.
- Mel describes the excitement she felt when reuniting with John after her granddaughter was born, and Dr John makes a scene of diagnosing her with a combination of ‘Little Butterflies’ and ‘Happy Feelings’.
- Regardless of the life-threatening diagnosis, Mel and John are choosing to stay in ‘The Experiment’ because John’s house cleaner is still on annual leave and it’s his turn to host poker in the good room this week.
- Up next is Dean and Tracey who will no doubt force us into the Tardis and back to the Dark Ages before Nympho Trish has time to tighten the black leather choker around her kinky neck.
- Love Doctor Mel asks Dean if he regrets trying to swap Tracey for a mid-strength Heineken.
- He says no, he was very thirsty at the time.
- PLUS, IT WAS BOYS' NIGHT.
- Charlene tells Dean that he is single-handedly rewinding the clock on gender equality and damning his future daughters to a perpetual life below the glass ceiling.
- Dean says, ‘SORRY NOT SORRY BOYS WILL BE BOYS IT WAS BOYS' NIGHT YOU’RE FAT RYAN MADE ME SAY THAT’.
- Dean then praises Tracey for embracing his lifestyle and recalls with pride the first time she yelled at an innocent pedestrian to ‘get her tits out’ from the window of his Yaris.
- Charlene then rips into Dean like a fierce lady boss and Dean says, ‘boys night’ about eleventeen hundred times like it’s a friggin’ magic spell that’ll conjure up a bloody otter patronus who’ll smack Charlene in the mouth.
- Dean then goes on a ten-minute tangent about how much he loves the show Wife Swap.
- John asks the couple if they will be continuing onto the last week of ‘The Experiment’ via interpretive dance, and Dean announces that Tracey is no longer allowed to have her own Love Wallet and that he will be voting on behalf of both of them, hence they will be staying pls and thank you.
- Up next is Ash who insists on sitting on a separate couch so Troy doesn’t try to tongue her with his raw mince flap.
- After complaining about how Troy makes her want to stick an IKEA 16-piece crockery set in her eye, Ash announces that they’ve had a really good week and will be staying in ‘The Experiment’ because what the flaming heck?
- Finally, Nasser and Gab cosy up on the grubby Love Seat, ready to blow this whole facade wide open and reveal that Nasser and Ryan are married with two kids and a miniature schnauzer.
- Nasser is sweating bullets for fear that Gabby has written ‘stay’ on her Love Wallet for lols again.
- John asks Nasser if he’d like to feel the touch of a woman one last time.
- Gabby then rests her hand on Nasser’s knee and he piss-bolts out to Telv’s flower stand next door to pick up some pink-dipped chrysanthemums for Ryan.
- Nasser: ‘Don’t touch me you boobie-clad homewrecker.’ Gab: ‘Babe babe babe babe babe honey babe.’
- Dean leans across the couch and grabs Carly’s boob.
- The future is female fucked.
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Image credit: Married at First Sight