Funny

30 Things That Will Happen This Australia Day

By Kirsty Petrides - 26 Jan 2017


Australia Day, it’s here again! The magical thing about our favourite day of the year (besides getting a day off, obviously) is how unpredictable it can be—what day will it fall on this year? Who will win the Hottest 100? It’s a day full of surprises.

One thing is for certain though—the daily format of your Aussie Day celebrations.

We reckon there are certain things—30, in fact—that are just bound to happen like clockwork on your Australia Day.

  1. You’ll wake up hungover because it’s a public holiday today, and it would have been un-Australian for you to not get on the juice the night before.
  2. You’ll frantically fumble around your bedroom for your iPhone so you can start live streaming Triple J ASAP.
  3. You’ll get momentarily angry that WA doesn’t have daylight savings, because we have to be up so damn early to ensure we don’t miss any of the Hottest 100.
  4. You quickly get over your anger when you remember that daylight savings is apparently bad for cows, and you love cows.
  5. You’ll go to a celebration that involves beers, barbeques and a body of water of some sort—whether it’s the ocean, a regular swimming pool, or one of those little inflatable kiddie pools that has the garden hose pouring water into it all day.
  6. If your pool is of the small inflatable variety, you’ll cram 15 of your mates into it, despite the fact that they are only designed to hold four small children.
  7. You’ll have an internal debate about whether you sacrifice your primo spot in the kiddie pool to go the toilet, or if you should just pee right there.
  8. You choose to not pee in the pool, because you’re not disgusting.
  9. Later on, somebody else pees in the kiddie pool anyway and you regret your decision.
  10. Someone raises the concern that it doesn’t look like there are enough eskis, and the whole party goes into meltdown.
  11. There are enough eskis. Order is restored.
  12. You’ll wear an Australian flag as a cape at some point during the day.
  13. You’ll take a photo of yourself in your flag-cape, and put it on Instagram with the hashtag #straya
  14. You’ll get drunk. But that’s a given.
  15. Someone will pour their beer in the inflatable kiddie pool, and then drink it.
  16. You’ll get really, really sunburnt.
  17. Someone will get a black texta and start drawing Southern Cross tattoos on everyone’s biceps for shits and giggles.
  18. There will be many inflatable pool toys, specifically a giant thong.
  19. People will fight over the inflatable pool toys, kind of in a joking way, but kind of seriously.
  20. As you near the finale of the Hottest 100, a drunken argument will break out over what number one will be. ‘Oh gimme a spell Trav, you said The Wombats last year, you’ve got no idea mate!’
  21. The females at the party will start discussing how much Childish Gambino’s new album sounds reminiscent of Prince.
  22. The males will discuss who they’d rather bang, Amy Shark or Tash Sultana.
  23. Someone will pull out a surprise tray of jelly shots.
  24. You’ll remember how delicious jelly shots are, and wonder why you don’t make them more often.
  25. Someone will pose the question as to what Australia Day is actually commemorating.
  26. Everyone will berate that person and call them an ignorant idiot, even though no one actually knows why you have the day off today.
  27. Someone will pass out in the sun, and someone else will draw certain parts of the male anatomy on their face with sunscreen.
  28. The person with sunburnt boy-bits on their face will flip out. ‘F*cks sake Tommo, I’ve gotta work tomorrow mate!’
  29. When it’s home time, you’ll wait about three hours for an Uber that will cost $7,000.
  30. You’ll get home covered in texta, spilt beer and sunburn, and vow not to get that wasted next Australia Day.

Want to know what cafes, bars and restaurants are open in Perth today? Click here!

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