Entertainment

32 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Bachelor In Paradise

By Millie Lester - 16 Apr 2018

Last week on the Gold Coast, Australian athlete Kurt Fearnley, who suffers from a congenital disorder called sacral agenesis, won gold for the T54 marathon IN A WHEELCHAIR. Last week on Entitled Able-Bodied White People On Holiday, Laurina cried because she had a date sprung on her ‘without warning’ and didn’t have enough time to put her face on.

Here are 32 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.

  1. The episode opens with Osher in a wife beater and New Balance joggers declaring that after last week’s tribal council, shit’s f*cked.
  2. Lisa, meanwhile, has done a 180 after realising Michael has a Southern Cross tatt on his bum and has run back into Luke’s muscly bear arms, swearing on her Grandma’s grave that she’ll never feel another man’s bicep again.
  3. Eden then lands a date card coz cheeky Osh has a sick sense of humour and wants to make Nina laugh into her charcoal activated sourdough at home.
  4. Elora tells the camera that she would rather literally set fire to her oesophagus than go on this date because she’s only here to bump uglies with Eden, have babies with Luke and boost TV ratings with Megan.
  5. Because Jarrod has blown literally the entire budget on sunscreen and fiddle leaf fig plants, Elora and Eden’s date is two pieces of cardboard on a hill.
  6. Somewhere between Simone accepting Jarrod’s rose and him shedding a layer of skin, Simone’s realised that Capsicum Jarrod is not the man of her dreams.
  7. In fact, right now he looks like the stuff of children’s nightmares.
  8. All of a sudden, the Love Gate grinds its rusty hinges, Apollo comes down from the heavens and all the girls start simultaneously ovulating.
  9. In a bid to secure her second date of the week, Simone announces to the group that Elora only came to Fiji to increase her social media presence and grow her hair down to her kneecaps.
  10. Back at the beach tip, Eden finds a goon sack under a Kogan flatscreen and offers Elora a shoey.
  11. He then massages some seagull poo into her face because apparently, he was raised by hyenas.
  12. Over in the infinity pool, Jarrod announces to the boys that he prescribed himself with ‘a good night’s sleep’ yesterday and has woken up amidst his eleventeenth epiphany, that Keira is the heiress to his grape farm and is destined to bear his fourteen children.
  13. At the same time, Apollo then takes Simone aside to share a cheeky Corona and invite her to go turtle surfing the following day.
  14. Elora and Eden then return from their tip run fighting about who’s going to spoon Apollo in the hammock after dinner.
  15. Elora then takes this time to remind everyone that the rules of Shotgun stipulate that you can bags a fella without having met him before, especially if it makes you look like a sociopath on national telly.
  16. Over in the Rotunda of Romance, Simone’s already forgotten she’s being filmed and has so far tonight called six people a dumb moll.
  17. Elora then takes Simone aside to tell her that her magic eight ball has revealed that her and Apollo end up together so Simone can just back the feck off and stop wearing dental floss bikinis.
  18. She then asks her not to say the word ‘sunscreen’ on their date for religion reasons.
  19. Meanwhile, Uncle Sam’s busy building himself and Tara a love shack out of sticks and string because he’s already finished all the Jodi Picoult books he brought to the island.
  20. Jarrod then hands Keira a Boags Red tinnie and drags her over to a piece of tarp and a couple of Kmart cushions behind the skip bins to announce that he married them last night while they were sleeping and to remind her that she’s about to start menstruating.
  21. Over on the deck chairs, Elora’s spitting chips that Simone’s going on a date with Apollo and is bitching about feeling unwanted to Eden who, unnoticed by her, is completely naked.
  22. Over on the beach, Simone insists on massaging mayonnaise into Apollo’s pecks so he ‘doesn’t get stung by seahorses’.
  23. She then tries to drown herself six times in the hope that he’ll give her mouth to mouth.
  24. Back at the Love Hut, Elora won’t stop running her mouth about how her Greek demigod is off with the wrong mortal.
  25. Meanwhile, Apollo takes a soggy Simone back to a hut on the beach and feeds her Mersey Valley cheese on Savoys from his pecks.
  26. Uncle Sam then takes Tara to his homemade Love Shack and declares that he’d lean a bunch of sticks on some other sticks for her any blood day of the week.
  27. Tara is sobbing hysterically because no one’s ever built her a shitty little shack before.
  28. Simone and Apollo return from their date and Elora makes her take a blood oath that she didn’t say any vowels in his presence.
  29. Elora then realises she’s been so busy limiting Simone’s vocabulary that she hasn’t actually had a conversation with Apollo yet, so quickly ditches her bikini top and slow-mo sprints to the deck chairs.
  30. Meanwhile Jarrod’s relishing in the attention being off his flakey scalp for once.
  31. And Keira’s hiding under the deck asking Elora’s magic eight ball if she’s made a mistake getting back together with Capsicum Jarrod.
  32. What the flaming heck.

Image credit: TenPlay

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