Funny

33 Things That Will Absolutely Happen After A Break Up

By Anna Franklyn - 30 May 2017

As amicable as you hope they can be, breakups are never, ever easy, nor simple. No matter how good (or bad) the relationship was, and no matter how it ended, there are a few things that will absolutely definitely happen after a break up.

Here are 33 of them.

  1. After all of the yelling and the tears, you both agree to be friends for some inexplicable reason. No matter who you are or what your prior relationship was, this will not work. Just FYI.
  2. You turn up at your bestie’s house, puffy eyed and a red faced and they say all the right things. You really haven’t been yourself for the past six months. Being single could be okay. You feel some semblance of hope.
  3. In the really fun situation that you lived with them, you start thinking about where you’re going to live now. Please, no, not back to the parents.
  4. Your sister offers up her couch while you’re looking for a place, so you take her with you on the most stealth of missions to get enough of your possessions to get you through the week.
  5. Your sister (or your roomie) takes pity on you and cooks you dinner for the next week. If you weren’t so sad this would actually be kind of great.
  6. The weekend arrives and your friends try to convince you to go out but it’s still too raw so you stay home and eat an entire jar of Nutella, followed by a pizza, followed by three quarters of a tub of TipTop chocolate ice cream while binge watching Two Broke Girls.
  7. You realise you’re single now and you need to get your bod back into shape. So you finish the ice cream so that there is no more ‘bad’ food in the house. #completelyreasonable
  8. A bit more time passes and you are ready to hit the town in a big way.
  9. You obviously need a hair makeover. If you don’t drastically alter your appearance did you even go through a break up?
  10. While at the hairdresser you do some next level crazy Instagram stalking.
  11. You are no longer ready to hit the down.
  12. Repeat step 6.
  13. Ok now you’re ready to go out, for reals this time.
  14. You go out, get blind and take all of the selfies.
  15. You try to call him but you have good friends who take your phone.
  16. You end up crying in an Uber, but least you didn’t call him.
  17. Now it’s time to get all of those super fun selfies up on Facebook so you can get your Tinder profile looking fly.
  18. This is definitely not a one-man job, so you gather your friends and set up the best damn profile you’ve ever seen. You look fun but totally down to earth and low maintenance. And it only took you five hours!
  19. Your friends leave and the fun begins. So much swiping. So many matches. So much potential!
  20. Why no conversations?
  21. More crazy Instagram stalking.
  22. Back to Tinder.
  23. Repeat steps 21 and 22 approximately 458 times. This is your life now.
  24. A couple of people do start talking to you and you realise that Tinder is the actual worst.
  25. The one person who has decent conversation never asks you on a date.
  26. You match with people you kind of know on Tinder and go on a date with that guy you hooked up with in year 12.
  27. You realise you have changed since year 12. Thank god. This guy is more of a dud than your ex.
  28. You run into your ex and their new partner. You obviously have not washed your hair all week and you’re not wearing make-up. Because the universe is nice like that.  
  29. You try to avoid them but it can’t be done. You have the most awks conversation ever and spend the rest of the day doing more Instagram stalking.
  30. You realise you have WAYYYYY more time on your hands now that you’re single and you say yes to all social invitations.
  31. You realise how fun your single friends are. They are always having dinner with each other on Wednesday nights and getting drinks on Sunday. Why didn’t you know about this earlier?
  32. You are so gosh darn busy with your friends that you absolutely don’t have time to Tinder or to meet anyone for that matter. How on earth would you fit them into your schedule?
  33. Just when you start to really enjoy being single, you’ll meet someone new. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again. The universe is nice like that.

Need some more cheering up? Here are 28 Reasons Being Single Is Awesome.

Image credit: Pinterest

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