It’s time to scrape yourself off the lounge room floor and hook some Red Bull into your veins because your favourite daily sixty-minute dose of unadulterated swimwear modelling is here to suck a few more years of pre-tertiary education out of your brain hole.
Here are 30 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- Up on the balcony, it’s evening and Tash is spitting chips that her alliance with Josh is crumbling because he’s found someone that wants to do more than clean the BBQ area with him.
- Six seconds later it’s morning and she’s plotting to choke Franswahz with a skipping rope for not washing the blender.
- Over on the grass, Elias is teaching Franny how to catch grasshoppers with her nostrils.
- Meanwhile Tash is ripping into Josh about spending too much alone time with Cassidy in the car park behind the skip bins instead of working on their 9/11 conspiracy theory.
- Elias has recently set his sights on various recently single Instagram micro influencers he remembers from his high school days.
- And Josh is struggling with the combined pressure of the impending recoupling ceremony and the fact that Tash’s 9/11 conspiracy theory is obviously bullsh*t.
- Cassidy then takes Tash up to the mezzanine to tell her this isn’t bloody Friendship Island, ya heckin’ muppet.
- The girls then swarm Mac and grill her on her a combination of things including her medical history, anaphylactic allergies and year 12 ATAR.
- Meanwhile Josh is spreading rumours around the villa that he’s 6ft7” by whispering it under the bathroom stall whenever someone’s on the loo.
- Mac then receives a text telling her to get the hell away from the barbecue, the boys are the only ones allowed to undercook phallic meats.
- Grant asks Mr Google if Lance Armstrong actually did walk on the moon and Josh says ‘nah, mate, they shot it in the back of Bunnings and then sped it up on Garageband’.
- Josh asks Grant if he finds his career fulfilling and he reveals that he used to be a sanitary bin collector before he was a concrete layer because it pulled all the ladies.
- Eden then knocks back one too many Jagerbombs and has a drunken teary in front of everyone about how fortunate he feels to be in an AirBNB full of ‘solid eights’.
- One of the producers then bribes the group with a red cup full of vodka gummy bears to play a balloon game which would definitely get you killed in more than one conservative country.
- Eden then storms off and has another teary in the car park about Erin questioning his masculinity in a public forum.
- Eventually, after he’s stopped snotting, he confronts her privately about it on the mezzanine and brings Tayla and Cassidy along as ‘character witnesses’.
- Tayla then gets a text that there’ll be a recoupling ceremony tonight, which coincidentally contains Cassidy’s trigger word (‘a’), sending her into a downward emotion spiral which ends with her filling Josh’s drink bottle with her own tears.
- Franny spends the rest of the afternoon moping around the villa catching grasshoppers with her nostrils.
- Meanwhile, Jaxon has cornered Mac by the bar and is revealing to her, through various metaphors, that he feels a connection with her. And also to remind her that he teaches sports to children with disabilities.
- Mac then corners Josh in the bedroom to put her feelers out vis-a-vis his feelings for her and enquire as to whether he’s worked with handicapped youths in a professional capacity.
- Cassidy then drags Eden off into the bushes for a quick sob about her farce of a love life, which suits him because he’s still feeling the fall out from Erin’s doodle joke—he sheds a few tears too.
- Josh then gets a text telling the group to gather around the BBQ and form a guard of honour as Sophie gallops through the door, using most of her bi-weekly seven second air time to get there.
- After a quick breather (and a Berocca), Sophie then announces that new girl Mac gets to pick a fella and she chooses Jaxon because #girlcode and also #heworkswithkids and #hewearssunscreenandthusunderstandsthebeautyandfragilityoflife.
- Justin then chooses Millie to occasionally quote Shrek with in bed over the next few days.
- Eden makes a big spectacle about how wrong Erin was earlier today but that he’ll take her anyway because, like Jaxon, he is a #goodsamaritan.
- Elias then chooses to f*ck with Franny’s emotions for the rest of the week until he falls in love with a picture of someone in a copy of Women’s Health lying around.
- And Josh then chooses Cassidy because he literally CANNOT stand her bloody tears anymore.
- This means that Tash has to ditch this b*tch sans a man and pleb it back to Australian on the next flight to Melbourne, hopefully with some extra legroom in the emergency exit at least, and the June edition of Fisherman & Boat Owner.
- Eden and Erin then call it a night at 5:30pm and Jaxon explains to Mac that he didn’t have a dad which is why he’s so short.
- Honestly, nothing grates my goat more than how far overtime this show runs every single freaking night.
Catch up on all the Love Island drahmz here.
Image credit: 9Now