Ah, the City2Surf. 14 kilometres of fun—amirite?
Whether you’re a seasoned pavement pounder or prefer to watch from the sidelines, we’re sure you’ll be familiar with the following people.
Or, if you’re super lucky, you may even be one of them.
The Cocky First-Timer
They’ve grossly over-estimated their athletic ability and it’s written all over their face. Registering on a whim/dare, these pseudo-athletes will zoom off at the starting gun only to realise the error of their ways about one kilometre in. They may look like they’re cosplaying a tomato but rest assured, if you ask, “are you okay?” you’ll receive one of the following:
- *Heavy breathing* “yeah mate. Just in the zone.” *more heavy breathing*
- A shaky thumbs up and stoic expression rivalling Kristen Stewart.
- No response—they’ve lost hearing due to blood rush.
The Work Group
Someone at work (likely the same person who was school Prefect) organised this merry jaunt in the name of workplace culture and we’re all going to have fun, damnit! In the vein of school excursions, these folk wear matching t-shirts, look slightly put out and can be found feigning a loose shoelace to create distance between themselves and the group leader. You’ll also hear them group-bitch about Susan in Accounts.
The Pros have run more marathons than we’ve even heard of, think losing a toenail is NBD and reckon those glove-shoes are The Business. They’re sporting those aerodynamic sunglasses that are supposed to block out ultraviolent rays but really just tell the world, “I’m super serious about this.” Whatever you do, don’t get in their way.
The Fitbit Fanatic
A close cousin to the cocky first-timer, The Fitbit Fanatic has made a crucial error; while they have the best of intentions, they’ve mistaken fitness accoutrement for acumen. You can spot them looking down at their expensive bracelet, tapping at it and looking flummoxed when it doesn’t make their legs bionic. They’ll soon post an angry message to the Fitbit Facebook page that’ll be met with a passive aggressive, “sorry to hear that.”
Anyone who’s seen that one episode of How I Met Your Mother where Marshall rubs petroleum jelly onto his chafed nips knows just how true this one is. The Chafed presents itself with tight lip, single-blinking eye and aggressive breathing. Depending on where the dreaded chafe has hit, they may be doing a splayed walk/run or pretending to scratch an itch (they’re checking for blood… running is FUN).
Fun fact: Friction is the slapper of the running world; it’s been everywhere—nips, thighs, butt, armpits and… lady parts.
The ‘I’m Just In It For The Costume’
Boasting a collection of wigs that rivals even the most ambitious YouTubers, The ‘I’m Just In It For The Costume’ gang are the first to crack open a bottle come sundown, and have at least one piece of home décor that says, “life’s a party”. Despite the 14 kilometres of walk-jog-walk-run these guys have ahead, they’re not afraid to don even the most impractical of getups. From a tutu, onesie and superhero cape to budgie smugglers, there’s always someone willing to risk a twisted ankle for a laugh.
The Runner’s Trots
It’s real folks. So real. They can be hard to spot but this person, while emulating the heavy breathing of The Cocky First-Timer, generally has more svelte calves and is sweating profusely despite the early hour. You’ll find them loping awkwardly towards a port-a-potty, bush or strangers house. The Pros, battling with a case of The Runner’s Trots, will be easiest to spot. It’s all in a day’s work for them. Respect.
The ‘Oh! That’s A Nice House!’
City2Surf takes punters through some noiiice neighbourhoods. Like really nice. Rose Bay, Vaucluse, Double Bay and Bondi Beach are just a few of these tippity-top spots and you’re going to hear someone exclaim as you pass each one. Other statements to be heard include, “I’d have my morning coffee out there everyday”, “I wonder how they clean those windows?” and “I love that fiddle leaf fig”.
Yup, this one exists. We wouldn’t believe it either if we hadn’t seen it with our own eyes. Young, and occasionally in a super hero outfit, this racer is best known for texting their mates things like, ‘keen?’ and ‘don’t dog the boys’. Whether they’re still raging from the night before or fresh off beer and cornflakes, they’re known for skipping sideways and loudly whooping before stopping off at the designated house party about 5-10 kilometres in.
Probably the most kickass people on the course are those faithful few who bring the pram along. It’s like bringing needy dumbbells to a treadmill. They’re especially heroic when it comes to Heartbreak Hill when said ‘needy dumbbells’ often want a drink/food or to complain that the sky is blue.
For last minute training, hit up one of these trails.
Image credit: Federica Portentoso