Dating. It’s the fifth circle of hell until suddenly it’s not.
Good news folks! We’ve scrounged up the best (see: most soul-deadening) examples of passive aggressive BS from dating apps, just for you. And bonus, we’ve added the true meanings behind them.
Happily committed? We won’t judge you for indulging in a little schadenfreude.
A couple of disclaimers before we start:
1) Dating can actually be positive/rewarding (someone once told us this and we’ve put a lot of stock into it being true).
2) The following have been lifted from interactions between all genders, couplings and a variety of tiger-hugging pictures and Snapchat filters.
“I hope you fail, your ear buds fall in your coffee and all your fairy bread is wholemeal.”
“I’m poking the bear to see if I can justify a change from passive aggressive to full-blown agro.”
“I’m feeling insecure (or faking insecurity) and hoping to get some sympathy from you on the off chance that it works.”
“If I could sign in and out of MSN Messenger to get your attention I would.”
“I’m about to launch into a series of low blows that you’ll either screenshot to your friends, tell your mum about or that will put you off dating for several months.”
“You’re being mean.”
“I’ve heard clichés about certain people using this phrase so I’m going to give you a misdirected taste of your own medicine.”
“I’m being bashful because I want some attention.”
“I’m not feeling like I’m being pursued and even if you do turn around and pursue me, I’ll probably get turned off.”
“I have no idea what respect is so I’m going to gaslight the bejeesus out of your emotions until you forget I ever said this.”
“I just said something really vulgar.”
This is the worst of the bunch. It’s more aggressive than passive and tailored to your insecurities. Examples include—your weight, your education level, your age and more!
“I don’t care about your opinion, but you didn’t reply in a timeframe that suited my particular needs so I felt the need to prompt.”
“I can and will change my tune if you don’t reply within my uncommunicated time allowances.”
“I use others and their opinions to justify my self-worth and can’t end a displeasing conversation without referencing this.”
“I want to tell you off for not replying quickly but if you get offended, I can just say it was a misunderstanding.”
“I’ll try and order for you in a restaurant.”
Now onto those passive aggressive emails...
Design credit: Sera McDonald