Entertainment

44 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Bachelor In Paradise

By Millie Lester - 09 Apr 2018

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It’s time to throw a protective tarp over your indoor ferns as we dive into the third week of Fun Hairy Jarrod in Paradise. Last week we waved goodbye to our favourite exchange-student-come-Fijian-tourism-ambassador, Flo, and ‘hello, nice bum’ to Megan, Ali and our favourite botanist, Jarrod.

So, hop on in, the water’s warm and full of hormone-riddle twenty-somethings pashing anything with a pulse.

Here are 44 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

  1. The episode opens with a six-minute montage of Ali’s ripper quads and a time lapse of Jarrod’s skin peeling.
  2. Osh then wanders through a garden wearing a bespoke shower curtain, pointing out his favourite succulents.
  3. Meanwhile, Jarrod looks like he’s exfoliated his entire upper torso with a beetroot.
  4. And apparently Blake’s let someone with hooves for hands give him cornrows.
  5. It’s been a whole day and Jarrod is still spitting chips that Mack foiled his plan to present Ali with a fiddle leaf fig at the last rose ceremony, which is very out of character for cool new Jarrod with the afternoon shadow and easy-going personality.
  6. We’re then introduced to Grant the firefighter who’s looking to secure his eleven hundredth engagement to date.
  7. Grant swings open the rusty Love Gate, looking ready to drop a phresh collab with Cody Simpson.
  8. All the boys are feeling very threatened by his chiselled six-pack, and even though Jarrod’s siphoning vegetable oil into Grant’s tanning lotion, he’s absolutely ~kewl~ with this tall, dark hornbag joining them on the island.
  9. Luke gives the adjustable dog leash a bit of slack so Lisa can join Grant for a talk about Bikram yoga by the infinity pool.
  10. He’s also already got brownie points from Laurina for referring to her by her given name and not a series of jumbled consonants.
  11. All of a sudden Leah swoops in, side boob in full bloom, ready to show the American fella her map of Tassie.
  12. He compliments her ability to string four words together while winking and rewards her with an hour of private strip volleyball on the beach.
  13. Mack and Ali do a bit of doggie paddle in the ocean while Jarrod ‘totally over Ali’ Love-Fern throws poison darts at him from the deck.
  14. Ali tells Mack she only kisses people who can do double backflips.
  15. Keira asks Jarrod to teach her how to kick a drop punt.
  16. Leah and Grant undress each other and then go skinny dipping in a desperate attempt to give Channel Ten a last-minute ratings boost.
  17. Back at the Love Hut, Jarrod and Keira are canoodling on the couch drinking strawberry Nesquik and massaging Sorbolene into his shoulders.
  18. Meanwhile, over at the local nudist colony, Grant cracks a bottle of Yellow and tells Leah he came on this all-expenses paid luxury holiday to Fiji to find someone to mop his hardwood floors and feed his cat while he goes on the next season of The Bachelorette.
  19. Leah swoons.
  20. Mack is having a teary at the bar with Waiter Wais while Michael whisks his side squeeze, Ali, away to share mimosas and a chopping board of assorted Mersey Valley cheeses in a two-man Kathmandu tent.
  21. Michael gives Ali a weird Voldemort hug and smacks his chapped lips on her keratin-rich scalp.
  22. And then out of nowhere, ‘Canadian Daniel’ struts in with a pig carcass across his shoulders, smacks Megan’s bum and throws a bottle of Cancer Council SPF50+ at Jarrod.
  23. He quickly whisks Nina away to talk about professional Netball, before then being pulled aside by Keira to share a lime margarita and a Le Snack.
  24. While Jarrod’s halfway through a thirty-minute monologue about how New Zealand is in fact the leader of the Free World.
  25. Jake then drags Megan down to the beach for a cheeky snog and a bum grab because he’s seventeen Coronas deep.
  26. Daniel then announces he’ll be speaking in wolf metaphors for the remainder of the evening.
  27. He barks at Nina and howls at the moon and she goes weak at the knees and accepts his date card, while in the background Eden punches a palm tree in the guts and Jarrod’s frying an egg on his forehead.
  28. It’s pissing down with rain so Daniel takes Nina to a river because everyone on this bloody island is one ruler short of a pencil case.
  29. A river goblin emerges from behind the bushes and yells at Daniel for being a stupid f*cking tourist and to get out of the flaming water rapids.
  30. Ali then takes Mack around the back of the Love Hut and tells him she doesn’t think he’s a very saucy dog and that she will be pursuing sexier fellas from now on. Soz lol.
  31. Ali then cries because she realises that all the sexy fellas on the island are either sex pests, or narcissists sociopaths, or melanoma riddled grape stompers.
  32. Ali then gives Michael the same speech and he tells her that he just wants her to live her best life.
  33. Back at Canadian Daniel’s date, he’s dragged Nina into a bath of champagne in an attempt to get her so drunk she’ll think he’s Eden.
  34. Though she’s wearing a full-length wetsuit, he’s naked and rubbing his firm man boobs against her cheek, making her visibly retch.
  35. Over at the Love Hut, Laurina takes Blake aside to explain that to him he’s a throbbing sack of sh*t and he says, ‘thank Susie’ and walks off.
  36. Yanky Grant then walks in with an envelope for Uncle Sam who asks Tara on her first date. She discloses that so far, they have hugged (and touched knees) but is not ruling out eye contact in the near future.
  37. The two of them wander off into a forest where a row of spirits and home brand juices are set up on a trestle table while Shannon Noll and Casey Donovan are singing ‘Living On A Prayer’ under a palm tree nearby.
  38. Tara announces that she’d like to smooch Sam but is not sure he’s noticing her signals, while simultaneously flashing a laser pointer into his corneas.
  39. She then chokes down the glass of diesel he made her, holds his hand and plants one on his meaty mouth flaps.
  40. Meanwhile, Jarrod is still trying to piece together how a guy can be on five different ‘love shows’ and still not have ‘a sexual relationship with a female homosapien’.
  41. Mack tells the camera that he reckons Jarrod’s a crap taco.
  42. And then fun-easy-going-fresh-stubble Jarrod rips a flesh mask off to reveal the ever-familiar highly-sprung-chain-my-girlfriend-to-the-kitchen-sink Jarrod.
  43. After accusing Mack of being a vengeful air hostess (??), Jarrod pours his fruitingle into the sand and storms off to water his basil plants.
  44. Honestly, a prerequisite for going on this show should be getting sterilised.

Need more Bachelor In Paradise in your life? Check out The Ultimate Bachelor In Paradise Drinking Game.

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