Entertainment

58 Thoughts We Had During The Married At First Sight Finale

By Millie Lester - 22 Mar 2018

married at first sight finale

We are gathered here today, in the presence of sweet baby Jason, to celebrate this clusterfuck of a shitshow one final time as it singlehandledly captures the attention of an entire nation and simultaneously desecrates the sanctity of marriage, sautes it lightly on a Breville mini wok and backhand slices it over the decks of an invisible superyacht. Until Dean do us part, Australia. Amen.

Here are 58 thoughts we had during the Married At First Sight finale.

  1. The episode opens like it always does—with John reading Hoobastank lyrics off a 2003 So Fresh CD insert and Nympho Trish throwing the camera a couple of finger guns as she sets up her Sony camcorder in the back of the studio.
  2. After a few panoramic shots of Dean’s sweaty pits, John plays a few notes on a kazoo and all twenty-two loveless lemons file into the studio in order of ascending BMI.
  3. Love Guru John’s stressed because he got drunk and changed his Neopets password last night and if he doesn’t get his Tuskaninny to the Healing Springs in Faerieland bloody pronto, he’ll cop an earful from his girlfriend on Whatsapp. 
  4. Meanwhile, Senior Kissologist Mel is keen to get the show on the road because her son punched a kid at créche today.
  5. To get the ball rolling, the Love Experts begin by Chromecasting Snakes On A Plane to the 10-inch plasma on the wall.
  6. John then asks Dean if he thinks hijacking a passenger jet and injecting everyone with venom was ‘the right thing to do’, to which Dean replies, ‘they were just a group of lads, a group of snakey bros, they didn’t mean anything by it, it’s just what happens on boys’ night with the lad bro fella men’.
  7. The HDMI cord stops working so John holds his pink Motorola Razr up and plays footage of the couples’ wedding days three months ago, to the soundtrack of Axel F by Crazy Frog.
  8. It’s a sweet throwback to a time when none of the brides were Jenny Craig spokespeople yet, Nasser had ticked ‘heterosexual’ in the census and Dean hadn’t fly-kicked his own career in the jugular.
  9. Over on the couch, everyone’s crying except Troy who’s licking Ice Magic off Carly’s biceps and barking at a moth on the ceiling fan.
  10. Next to them, Tickle Me Nasser is crocheting a lace table runner for Ryan.
  11. And Blair is trying to shank Sean in the goolies with a homemade Ibis Hotel pen shiv.
  12. John’s had about enough of Troy drinking Carly’s face with his wrinkly mouth flaps and invites the couple up to the Confusion Couch to dispel rumours that Troy was raised by goats.
  13. Nympho Trish then proudly introduces what she calls her first attempt at producing a Melbourne Cup themed amateur softcore porno.
  14. The film opens with Troy trotting around the Melbourne Botanical Gardens with Carly on his back and WHAT THE HECKING HELL AM I WATCHING.
  15. The film then switches to a medley of Troy sucking Carly’s face off in different rooms of her apartment while everyone else on the couches behind them vomits into their hands.
  16. John then asks Troy if he loves Carly and he replies with a Mark Holden touchdown and three rotations of the macarena.
  17. Love Doctor Mel: ‘as a single loser with a ticking biological clock, are you at all hurt by their newfound relationship?’ Ash: ‘if I wanted to be dry-humped by a horny carpet with underdeveloped calves, I’d buy a fucking beagle’.
  18. Troy and Carly then announce that they are moving into a houseboat on the Yarra River and are expecting octuplets via their surrogate, Kerri-Anne Kennerley, in just over a fortnight.
  19. I literally just cannot.
  20. The next couple to have their relationship turned into a meme by a 38-year old single mother on Facebook is Mel and John who’ve so far stood the test of time without tongue-punching each other’s wisdom teeth on national television.
  21. Love Guru Mel takes a quick second to divorce shame Melissa and remind the room that she can’t cook for shit because ~girl power~.
  22. Mel and John reveal that the secret to their lasting love is once a week driving exactly 27.6 minutes towards each other and making out in the carpark of a Caltex.
  23. The next pair to be propositioned by Nympho Trish and her PA, Irene, are Patrick and Charlene who spend a good halfa *joking* about how much they want to lock the other in a skip bin and roll it off the roof of a Chemist Warehouse.
  24. John asks Patrick why he think his mum’s such a bitch moll.
  25. He explains that it was because she was given a lifetime ban from pole vaulting at thirteen for cutting the brakes on her trainer’s Camry.
  26. Charlene then announces that Patrick hasn’t made a move on Words With Friends since their commitment ceremony six weeks ago.
  27. John tells Patrick that if he doesn’t start fulfilling the shallow promise he made to Charlene in a fake wedding ceremony a few weeks ago, then he’s making a mockery of God and the entire social construct of marriage.
  28. The Love Experts then take a quick timeout to feed their Tamagotchis and share a Le Snack.
  29. John then returns to his throne and starts ripping into Charlene for speaking up in situations where she should have been ‘ironing scones in the butler’s pantry’.
  30. Nasser looks up from his Harry & Draco fanfic and yells, ‘damn straight, gelfren!’.
  31. John: ‘But Dean, do you regret verbally attacking Charlene and vehemently denying all her claims even though you appear to be in a perpetual cycle of pathological lying? Plus, you’re shit at rapping?’
  32. Dean: ‘Boys will be boys, ya tripping brah’.
  33. A spotlight falls on Dean. A smoke machine fills the room with ominous fog. And someone starts playing the Star Wars ‘Imperial March’ from their iPhone.
  34. Love Guru Mel slowly rotates her swivel chair towards Dean, finger on the remote, and whispers, ‘no regrets hey, dickhead?’.
  35. The other couples all slow clap and form a guard of honour around Mel chanting ‘PLAY THE TAPE, PLAY THE TAPE, PLAY THE TAPE’.
  36. And we all bloody know what’s coming next because it’s the only thing that’s kept our soulless eyes hooked to this plotless shitshow since the Australian Open finished.
  37. The TV flickers on and a single line of text fills the screen: ‘BOYS NIGHT: The Motherfuckin Truth’.
  38. LET’S. FUCKIN. DO. THIS.
  39. In the space of 17 seconds, the video conclusively shows Dean throwing Tracey to the seagulls, Justin confessing to sleeping with his little sister, Troy guessing the cup size of his mother in law, John saying ‘boobs, Nasser reading Men’s Health and Patrick eating a Cruskit.
  40. The women then send their female representative, Charlene, forward to make a public statement on behalf of the group. And also, so she can flip Ruby the bird one last time.
  41. And Ash punches Troy in the dick because she’s been wanting to do that for ages.
  42. Gabby then takes to the stand to flaunt her new size 8 figure, and also explain to Dean that ‘hotness’ isn’t a commodity women enjoy being traded on, especially when they’ve worked so hard for intellectual integrity.
  43. Dean interrupts Gab to mansplain sexism to her because Dean has abandoned his redemption arch against the orders of his lawyer, and long live The Patriarchy.
  44. Love Guru Mel asks the group if anyone has a tampon and then John invites Davina, Ryan, Dean and Tracey to the couch because he is a total shit stirrer.
  45. John: ‘Dean, do you remember froffing over Davina when you were hitched to Trace?’ Dean: ‘Ryan did lines of coke in the bathroom during the ad break’.
  46. The guard of honor then moves around John, ‘PLAY THE TAPE, PLAY THE TAPE, PLAY THE TAPE. 
  47. In twelve seconds, the video conclusively proves that both Dean and Davina should never reproduce or hold a position in public office. OR be invited as guests on Have You Been Paying Attention.
  48. The group collectively then tries to explain to Davina that she’s a heartless troll with little-to-no job prospects and is doomed to a baron life of loneliness.
  49. And Nasser hasn’t said anything in a while so he just yells out ‘hashtag coconut oil’.
  50. Then everyone forgets the name of the show for a bit and Nympho Trish starts calling it Naked At First Sight.
  51. Meanwhile Dean and Tracey are in the other room exchanging nudes and comparison shopping for Champion snapbacks signed by Oprah.
  52. Telv and Sarah are the final couple to take the couch and Channel Nine’s last-ditch attempt inject some credibility into the show and slap a family friendly rating on it.
  53. Meanwhile Nympho Trish is doing naked calisthenics in the background.
  54. The video montage of their Experiment experience brings Telv to tears and he realises that no amount of $6 Perth cappuccinos will fill the Sarah-sized hole in his wallet.
  55. He then announces that he has bought a ‘fixer-upper-er’ in Broadmeadows for the two of them to live happily ever after and will parent his two young children via infrequent text messages to his ex.
  56. Under the condition that Sarah continues doing all the cleaning and he fills her womb.
  57. The clock then strikes midnight, John hits a massive gong with a golf club, Troy spits into Carly’s ear, Ash screams ‘SOYA’, Sean punches a leather ottoman and a curtain falls just as Dr Mel winks at Ryan who pulls a flesh mask off to reveal himself as Shane Crawford.
  58. Keep an eye out for my Bachelor In Paradise Recaps beginning next Monday.

Image credit: Married at First Sight

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