We really suck, don’t we? Humans, I mean. Particularly the ones from Sydney. We bang on about chilly winters and short days, only to miss the cosy knits once spring rolls (geddit?) around with its magpies, itchy eyes and that cheeky extra hour.
Never fear, here is your cheat sheet for getting by in this big, sunlit, pollen-filled city of ours. Got any more tips? Hit us up.
- Assure your parents that you have plenty of savings.
- Then wait ‘till their back is turned, snigger, and say “daylight savings” to your bowl of spag bol before asking them for money.
- Teach yourself magpie squawks and actually ask them, “what’s up, bro?
- Or better yet, fashion yourself a sign that says magpies are seriously misunderstood creatures so they at least think you’re on their side.
- Stock up on cute little sandals or leg-freeing shorts to wear when the sun shines.
- But also stock up on jumpers and scarves because this weather is more tumultuous than a teenage love triangle on Neighbours.
- Keep a stash of tampons in your purse. Even if you’re a dude. They help with the dripping nose.
- On that note, tell people you’re crying because your pet rock died.
- Or that you got pink eye from sniffing your own bum.
- Stroll in an hour late to everything you possibly can and blame it on daylight savings.
- Turn off notifications in your group chat when someone mentions NYE plans.
- Start a turf war on the Bondi To Bronte walk. Now that the whipping winds are over, you need to reclaim your rightful spot.
- This includes pretending you know what that abstract ovary-looking thing is when you walk past it at Sculptures By The Sea.
- Seriously think about starting your Christmas shopping.
- Or at least doing that “spring cleaning’ thing you’ve heard about.
- Then scoff and rewatch Gilmore Girls.
- Drink every time Rory makes a worried face.
- Call in sick to work the next day because somehow you drank everything in your house.
- Have a really awkward conversation with a person you went to uni with and then matched with on Tinder while waiting two hours for a rice paper roll at the Night Noodle Markets.
- Have a baby. No, seriously. Everyone else is.
- Make movember a thing for girls so you don’t have to buy a razor and take to your legs.
- Make your own ‘burn book’ and write down the names of everyone that tells you they need to get in shape for the warmer months.
- Get all dolled up to go to the races, then end up on the front cover of The Daily Mail, eating a kebab in the gutter, as you talk into your shoe phone.
Speaking of the Night Noodle Markets, here are 10 things you have to try this year!
Image credit: Adam Krowitz