Ah, Gwynnie. She of the conscious uncoupling, strangely named, celeb spawn - and creator of holier-than-thou lifestyle blog, Goop. Oh, and the occasional costume drama romp. You either love her or hate her.
While I’m precariously perched in the first camp, I decided to test our friendship by having a crack at her famous yearly detox diet. A week of no gluten, dairy, corn, soy, caffeine, alcohol, added sugar, red meat, shellfish, white rice, or nightshades (tomatoes, eggplant, peppers, potatoes) awaits. Looks easy enough. I am gonna own this detox game!
Full disclosure: I hate to cook. But I am determined, and the recipes even look half palatable. Yup – if I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do this right. I jump online and order half of Woollies’ spice section, presumably to add some flavour to all the kale and chia I’ll be consuming.
I wake up hungry. Because I’m an idiot, I ordered my groceries too late, so I have to wait until sometime between now and 10am for my delivery. I can’t even have an instant coffee while I wait. I dare not have a shower in case I miss the doorbell. I sip water and feel sorry for myself.
Delivery arrives. Unpack frantically and make my Surya Spa Detox Tea, so I can get onto the solids. Made with a teaspoon each of the seeds of cumin, coriander and fennel, steeped in hot water, it’s “an unusual yet delicious hot tea to help detox the kidneys, aid digestion, and clean the blood. It’s also a natural diuretic, to help release excess water that creates bloating.” If you say so, G-Palts.
While I let it steep, I get cracking on my chia pudding then pop it in the fridge to set. I get back to my emails before taking my first tentative sip of tea. Well knock me down with a feather, it tastes pretty good!
I wish I could say the same for the chia pudding – horrid, slippery, flavourless stuff. Thank god for the sprinkling of raspberries or my taste buds would have left the building in protest.
I only ate brekkie at 11am, and I’m already hungry again. I battle through like the detox warrior I am.
I start lunch prep, setting the mood with some Coldplay on Spotify. On the menu is a chicken paillard with zucchini noodles. I didn’t know what a paillard was either, I just took a punt and battered the living daylights out of a breast (#wingingit).
Despite taking 50 minutes from start to clean up, I deem it a success. I got to play with a Spiralizer and the food was delicious. Yaas domestic queeen!
Just leaving the kitchen cos, you know, some of us writers need to do some work to make a living when, what’s that..? Do I detect the first twinge of a headache?
Headache from caffeine withdrawal escalating rapidly. Now about a 6 out of 10. I “comfort” myself with some hot water with lemon and attempt to write about lipsticks.
Not remotely hungry after my gourmet lunch, but feel like a snack might distract from the situation building between my ears. You may have noticed that I’ve been switching things up and eating random meals instead of those prescribed for day one. I’m a rebel like that. (But seriously, I tried to choose the meals with the shortest list of ingredients to save time and mulah. I also did not even attempt GP’s Morning ‘Smoothie’ – the vanilla mushroom powder got me offside even before the mention of ashwagandha and cordyceps).
The snack suggestion is rice ‘cake’ with almond butter. ROTFL. Obviously I have two. I couldn’t track down any decent almond butter, so I go with Tahini. I’d liken the experience to clag glue on cardboard. FML.
I go back to my computer and attempt to work through the brain fog.
Start making dinner because I feel too crap to do anything else. Realise I don’t own a dutch oven. Cry. Just kidding! I craftlly grab a regular saucepan and nobody’s the wiser. Dinner is a chickpea and kale curry with quinoa and is definitely making its way into my regular, non-detox repertoire. Except I might swap the kale for something good, like potato.
Clean up’s a killer. Every time I bend to put something in the dishwasher my head threatens to explode.
Cave in and take two painkillers. I am not dry heaving from my withdrawals as Gwyn suggests might happen (like that’s normal), but I know a stage two migraine when I see it, and I have the last episode of Making A Murderer to watch. Priorities.
Go to bed with much milder headache. Sleep like a babe.
Bounce out of bed... And around the corner to Green Park for a double-shot latte. So long, detox!
The food was actually gosh-darn delicious – well, the mains, anyway – and I would happily check into the Paltrow pad and have her team of chefs cook for me forever. But the cost of the ingredients was crazy (I spent around $70 for one day’s worth of food - and that was choosing non-organic and even homebrand where available), not to mention the 2.5 hours of my day I spent prepping, cooking and washing up. Oh, and the vile headaches.
I think I’ll be skipping the 2017 detox.
Photo credit: Goop