Stick a bloody fork in me because I am done. I have seen enough strategically placed slow motion cleavage, displays of abhorrent misogyny and voluntary starvation to last me a bloody life time. Thank f*ck it’s Thursday #TFIT.
Here are 28 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode picks up where it left off, with Cassidy and Mac laying their doonas on the chopping block, ready for a ruthless ditching from the Australian public later on.
- Erin takes Cass over to the George Foreman and tells her to pull her bloody head in, she cannot stay in the villa alone with these vicious snake moles.
- Aside from being under a lot of pressure to remain in the villa for best friend purposes, Cass is also psyching herself up to rip Tayla a new one the second she reaches for the metaphorical sh*t stirring spatula.
- Meanwhile Tayla is hosting a blind taste test out by the barbecues with D*ckhead Dom and his band of ‘Manly’ Men.
- Over on the loveseats, Millie is briefing Amelia and Shelby in on how much of a dog Cassidy is and that, if possible, could they try and fill her drink bottle with floor cleaner if they have a chance? Asking for a friend.
- And over in the hot tub, Jaxon is seeking advice from Grant and Tayla on how to sleep in the same bed as a woman without coming across as a seven-year-old with a Fanta drip hooked into his veins.
- Inside the villa, Millie and Tayla are in bed chatting about whether Dom’s lack of emotional and general intelligence is a red flag or a sexy flaw.
- All of a sudden it’s morning and Erin’s f*cking up all the poached eggs outside on the barbie while Franswahz’s telling Teddy to back the heck off, she doesn’t owe him anything for keeping her at the funny farm for a few more days.
- Over on the grassy knoll, Jaxon’s reiterating to Shelby that he’s ‘a man’s man’ and not a woman’s man but a good man to a woman because he’s manly’.
- Meanwhile Grant’s woken up with a ‘strange sensation in his heart’ and has a go at Tayla for having the ability to recall things that have happened in the past.
- He then reckons it might be a good idea to talk about these ‘strong feeling heart sensations’ with somebody, so heads over to Teddy who has HUGE NIPPLES.
- Out on the lawn, Tayla is taking her growing frustration with Grant’s incapacity to vocalise his emotions out on a quick boxing sesh with manly Jaxon.
- Over on the loveseat, Millie’s shitty that Dom doesn’t get shirty when she hops out of bed early in her short shorties.
- She then confronts him about the emotional island he’s bloody marooned at and accuses him of being here for a sexy time and not a thoughtful, romantic, emotional, respectful time.
- She’s then forced to confess that she’s actually developed a more sensual relationship with the plastic flamingo in the pool, which immediately upsets Cassidy who’s apparently had her eye on him since day nine.
- Shelby then gets a text telling the group to get ready for a public looks-based slag off.
- As usual, today’s challenge is an important lesson in self-confidence that will almost definitely stunt the emotional growth of everyone on the island, except Grant who’s been Benjamin Buttoning the sh*t out of his emotional intelligence since the day he was born.
- Basically the group are asked to rank the opposite sex on a series of factors, doing any of which would get you fired from any respectable workplace, let alone major TV network.
- During this valuable exercise in unrestrained bullying, we find out that Josh and Millie look best in their knickers, Cassidy and Dom will most likely commit adultery, and Erin will die ugly.
- After adding up the numbers for ten minutes, Shelby announces that the score is zero a piece and everyone goes back to the villa wanting to drown themselves in the pool.
- Barely a minute passes before Tayla and Grant are fighting about strong unclassified heart sensations on the grassy knoll again.
- Meanwhile Josh is asking Cass for dating advice, which is honestly like a jockey asking an accountant how to ride a camel.
- Eden then gets a text informing the group that there’s a delivery at the door, which turns out to be the bloody truth bike ready to ride half the villa into a metaphorical car crash.
- Mac is first up and is forced to confess that she wants to get her rocks off with Josh and put a rock in Teddy’s brain.
- After a couple of minutes, Cass picks Mac up off the bike, throws her in the pool, mounts the honesty-cycle herself and screams “DO YOUR BLOODY WORST I HECKIN’ DARE YOU” before launching into a forty-minute lecture about a little lady called karma to Millie and Tayla.
- Afterwards, the whole villa is in two minds as they wait for Australia’s verdict, namely either adding up the calories in a Caesar salad or stressing about if what Josh said about non-sparkling water giving you dementia is true.
- Meanwhile Sophie’s maggoted so the producers instead have to send the islanders a series of broken text messages to build some tension while their host makes ‘gravel angels’ in the driveway.
- Eventually Erin receives a text that says ‘tell the mouthy tall blonde one to get out #now’ and so we bid farewell to the only person in the villa who managed to figure out that love isn’t found in a holiday rental in Mallorca, only skin cancer is. CYA Cassidy.
Catch up on all the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now