The end is fully nigh because people are now eating foods shaped as other foods and we are officially one geometric rice dessert away from being ruled by cats masquerading as tax accountants. The only exciting part about it is that maybe we’re one step closer to turning food sachets into re-hydrated McDonalds via the microwave like they did on Spy Kids 1...but I won’t count my McChickens.
So because you consumer food zombies are quite literally one poached egg short of an eggs Florentine, we’ve rustled up a foolproof Sushi Doughnut recipe for you. We’re all about giving our readers what they want (as much as it PAINS us).
For the sushi rice
For the Sushi Doughnuts
Pop to the shops for the ingredients. Don’t stop at the marked-down bakery goods section, you’re better than that (no you’re not, you’re making sushi doughnuts; you’re gravel, Sharon).
Avoid eye contact with the staff at the Woolies in-house sushi bar. You’re simultaneously depriving them of business and butchering their heritage #soznotsozprobsshouldbesoztho.
Go home and call your mum because she raised you and literally carried you inside her body whilst depriving herself of soft cheeses for the best part of a year—it’s the least you can do.
Pause the latest episode of House Husbands (spare me, Delta Goodrem) and prepare the rice seasoning by heating the rice vinegar with the sugar and salt in the microwave until dissolved.
Cook the rice in a thick bottom pot on the stove top on high heat, stirring every minute or two until the water boils, then lower the heat and cover until the water is fully absorbed (give it about ten minutes and then have a proper gander).
Transfer the cooked rice to a container, pour the hot seasoning evenly over the rice and combine until every single grain of rice is seasoned.
Set the rice aside and let it cool to room temperature. Quickly check if Beyoncé has posted any more maternity photos on Insta.
While the rice is cooling, start preparing the doughnut toppings. Slice and dice your way through your fish and vegetable toppings. Make sure the fish is about half an inch wide and two inches long. Cut the avocado and cucumber into paper thin slices.
Cut the nori sheets into 4-5 inch squares.
Lightly coat the doughnut pan with oil or cooking spray. Place the rice in the molds and press down until they’re full. Round off the tops and dig out the hole.
Turn the tray upside down gently to remove the doughnut-shaped rice and lay each abomination on the centre of a nori square.
Wrap two salmon slices, two tuna slices, a few avocado slices and cucumber slices around the rice-nuts, tucking any excess underneath as you go.
Press toasted sesame seeds into the rice and garnish with sliced spring onion.
Present them all on a really nice ceramic plate that you found in your neighbour’s hard rubbish last week and post a pic on Instagram with the caption #butcherediconicJapanesedishoftheday
Image credit: Gabby Stjernqvist for The Urban List