42 Things You’ll Understand If You’re A Kiwi Living In London

Another Kiwi in London, hey? You either did it, or you’re thinking about doing it. If you’re in the latter camp: don’t think—do. If you’re in the former, then I hope you’re reading this on the tube, surrounded by a nose-picking banker and a dude that thought it was a good idea to bring his bike onboard, and it gives you a sufficient LOL, or at least a head nod.

We’re all in this together, friend that probably also misses the freedom to use public toilets without paying, so let’s get going. 

1. People lie when they said there were no spiders in London. There are. Lots.
2. You had a fit when you realised the chip packet colours were different here.
3. And once accidentally ate prawn cocktail flavour, thinking they were salt and vinegar.
4. You will never, ever, ever call chips ‘crisps’, even if it means you get the wrong thing.
5. On that note, you don’t understand soggy hot chips. What’s the point?
6. Don’t even get you started on mushy peas.
7. You said “yeah, why?” the first 50 times someone asked if you were “alright?”
8. Foxes have really, really loud sex.
9. So do housemates, as you learnt when you moved into a really old apartment building with paper-thin walls.
10. You know what people mean by “real pubs” now.
11. And you still pinch yourself every time you are freely allowed to drink on the street.
12. Train beers. Enough said.
13. The biggest mistake in the world is thinking you don’t need your umbrella.
14. Penguins are inferior to Tim Tams. Next question.
15. But you have to admit the Dairy Milk chocolate tastes 10 times better here.
16. People think it’s weird that you lose your mind over good coffee. 
17. You dream about a supermarket aisle brimming with tinned tuna of all flavours.
18. Saying “I got new pants”, or “Do you like my pants?” is going to get you a lot of weird looks.
19. But you do it anyway because it’s fun.
20. You can’t remember the last time you heard a proper thunderstorm. 
21. People love to tell you that they know of a novelty store that sells Marmite and Pineapple Lumps.
22. Drunk you likes to remind people that “We’re not here to fuck spiders”.
23. You miss big supermarkets.
24. People assume you live in Clapham or Shepherd’s Bush.
25. They may or may not be right.
26. You got really freaked out the first time you saw someone sunbaking in a park when it hit 22 degrees.
27. You shudder at the thought of living in a land where dogs are not allowed on public transport or in pubs.
28. Yorkshire puddings are puffy wastes of plate space and should be banned.
29. Or, they’re the best thing to ever happen to the universe. Either or.
30. You snigger to yourself when people say a three-hour drive is long.
31. You are proud to say that there are less than a handful of Starbucks in most cities, and gloat about New Zealand’s love of independently-run cafes.
32. But you have a favourite Pret sandwich, and you would shove your own mother out of the way to nab the last one.
33. You spent all of Summer entertaining friends from home while they made a stopover mid-Eurotrip.
34. While you weren’t exploring Europe yourself with cheap AF flights, of course.
35. You didn’t know how good you had it at home until you visited a sushi train in London.
36. Warm beer isn’t so bad once you get used to it.
37. Pic’s peanut butter is food of the gods and you miss it every damn day.
38. You well up at Air New Zealand ads. Damn children’s choir and its ability to pull on heartstrings.
39. Wine sizes are dangerous. A large = 250ml. Three of those and you’ve had yourself a bottle. Cut to you peeing in an Uber at 9:30 on a Tuesday night.
40. You’ve learnt to drown out people asking “Why did you leave paradise to come here?”
41. You’ve accidentally dropped the ‘C word’ casually and almost ended up in a meeting with HR. 
42. Cockfosters will never not be funny.

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