Another Kiwi in London, hey? You either did it, or you’re thinking about doing it. If you’re in the latter camp: don’t think—do. If you’re in the former, then I hope you’re reading this on the tube, surrounded by a nose-picking banker and a dude that thought it was a good idea to bring his bike onboard, and it gives you a sufficient LOL, or at least a head nod.
We’re all in this together, friend that probably also misses the freedom to use public toilets without paying, so let’s get going.
- People lie when they said there were no spiders in London. There are. Lots.
- You had a fit when you realised the chip packet colours were different here.
- And once accidentally ate prawn cocktail flavour, thinking they were salt and vinegar.
- You will never, ever, ever call chips ‘crisps’, even if it means you get the wrong thing.
- On that note, you don’t understand soggy hot chips. What’s the point?
- Don’t even get you started on mushy peas.
- You said “yeah, why?” the first 50 times someone asked if you were “alright?”
- Foxes have really, really loud sex.
- So do housemates, as you learnt when you moved into a really old apartment building with paper-thin walls.
- You know what people mean by “real pubs” now.
- And you still pinch yourself every time you are freely allowed to drink on the street.
- Train beers. Enough said.
- The biggest mistake in the world is thinking you don’t need your umbrella.
- Penguins are inferior to Tim Tams. Next question.
- But you have to admit the Dairy Milk chocolate tastes 10 times better here.
- People think it’s weird that you lose your mind over good coffee.
- You dream about a supermarket aisle brimming with tinned tuna of all flavours.
- Saying “I got new pants”, or “Do you like my pants?” is going to get you a lot of weird looks.
- But you do it anyway because it’s fun.
- You can’t remember the last time you heard a proper thunderstorm.
- People love to tell you that they know of a novelty store that sells Marmite and Pineapple Lumps.
- Drunk you likes to remind people that “We’re not here to fuck spiders”.
- You miss big supermarkets.
- People assume you live in Clapham or Shepherd’s Bush.
- They may or may not be right.
- You got really freaked out the first time you saw someone sunbaking in a park when it hit 22 degrees.
- You shudder at the thought of living in a land where dogs are not allowed on public transport or in pubs.
- Yorkshire puddings are puffy wastes of plate space and should be banned.
- Or, they’re the best thing to ever happen to the universe. Either or.
- You snigger to yourself when people say a three-hour drive is long.
- You are proud to say that there are less than a handful of Starbucks in most cities, and gloat about New Zealand’s love of independently-run cafes.
- But you have a favourite Pret sandwich, and you would shove your own mother out of the way to nab the last one.
- You spent all of Summer entertaining friends from home while they made a stopover mid-Eurotrip.
- While you weren’t exploring Europe yourself with cheap AF flights, of course.
- You didn’t know how good you had it at home until you visited a sushi train in London.
- Warm beer isn’t so bad once you get used to it.
- Pic’s peanut butter is food of the gods and you miss it every damn day.
- You well up at Air New Zealand ads. Damn children’s choir and its ability to pull on heartstrings.
- Wine sizes are dangerous. A large = 250ml. Three of those and you’ve had yourself a bottle. Cut to you peeing in an Uber at 9:30 on a Tuesday night.
- You’ve learnt to drown out people asking “Why did you leave paradise to come here?”
- You’ve accidentally dropped the ‘C word’ casually and almost ended up in a meeting with HR.
- Cockfosters will never not be funny.
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