Anddd we’re back for yet another hour filled with rainbows, happiness and unicorn puke. Just joking. I’m hoping someone gets yet another sword shoved in their face, because why else would anyone watch Game of Thrones anymore now that they’ve gone completely AWOL on the novels?
At this stage, if you’re wondering where the review of episode one went, SPOILER ALERT: we didn’t write one. Not just because I’m a tween with the time management skills of an unchaperoned child, but also because absolutely nothing of any significance happened in the first episode. Except maybe Melisandre (yeah, I did Google the spelling) being a secretly really, really, literally so-old-I-don’t-understand-how-she’s-not-dead-yet woman. How the producers ever found an actor so old and ugly in Hollywood remains a mystery.
The episode opens with GoT’s classic title sequence, which has recently been remade entirely from gingerbread. You can guess which non-lame version we like better.
Psychic-crow-child, aka Bran, has finally scored himself a scene in season six, so good on him I guess. He’s still failing to make fans care about the progression of his story arc, mostly because watching him is as stale as eating an Aldi tissue. Can’t we just cut back to Jon Snow being dead-y dead dead guys?
We cut to a very dead Jon Snow. As expected, his acting is impeccable. Meanwhile, some idiot attempts to take on a giant twenty times his height with a medieval bow and arrow, because some minor characters only exist in GoT to die in a fabulously gory fashion. And boy, is that a large bloodstain.
Some peasant (literally) is talking about Cersei’s boobs, so I’m guessing he’s probably going to get his little Richard cut off in the next couple of minutes… never mind. Apparently Cersei’s yet-to-be-revealed (but we totally know it's The Mountain) giant knight is a lot less subtle then that.
Important things happen between Cersei, Jaime and (freaking useless) Tommen at King’s Landing, but I feel it’s best not to dwell on these parts, mostly because secretly I find the Lannister siblings a tiny bit endearing. But as a (nearly) fully functioning adult, I’m aware this is a lot like drinking whiskey on a Wednesday night. Sure it might feel good at the time, but you know you’ll regret it come episode #3 when you’re left with your dignity in tatters.
In Meereen, everyone’s favourite miniature man (is that politically incorrect?) takes on Daenerys’ chained dragons. I’m hoping his charisma and wit will magically turn them into fire-breathing lap dogs. There’s a lot of darkness, more darkness, and he’s still dramatically walking through the darkness towards some darn good CGI. Tyrion, aka dragon whisperer 2.0, attempts to talk to the dragons like they’re misbehaving babies—and they don’t even singe his brains to bits.
In Winterfell, daddy-Bolton assures bastard-Bolton that he will always be his “firstborn”, like the top-notch father he is (jokes, if you missed that). The crazy Bolton kid thanks him and removes his guts. Not cool! Also, if you were hoping this season wouldn’t involve baby-death, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Although on the spectrum of morally f**ked up things that have happened in the last six seasons, Ramsay’s brutal killing of Walda and his newly-born brother actually falls somewhere on the shoulder-shrugging-I-kinda-expected-it side of things. Then again, they didn’t have to be eaten by rabid dogs. Nor did we need the vivid sound of crunching bones, thank-you.
Meanwhile, in the middle of nowhere, Theon decides to head back to the Iron Islands. We cut to Balon Greyjoy storming onto a rickety bridge that seems to be an awfully unwise choice of transport for such as old man. He gets tossed over the edge and plummets to his watery death. Yawn.
Remember when I said Jon Snow was very super dead? Well every fan-and-media prediction in the history of the Game of Thrones appears to be right on the money. Apparently, he was just having some lols. Despite the director’s attempt to build tension, everyone knew he was coming back as soon as The Red Woman used her crazy magic, but I still don’t understand why she specifically needed his beard hair as well as his normal hair.
Either way, Jon Snow is probably not all mentally up there now that he's alive again. Still just as hot tho. Cut to black... and we'll see you next week for more miniscule progressions in 452 different storylines. Argh.
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Image credit: Game Of Thrones