Writer’s note: The only people who are allowed to tell you to lose weight are medical professionals who believe it be in your best interests to do so; you can tell everyone else to get f*cked, including me, because you’re the bomb diggity just as you are. This article serves as a somewhat satirical list of unprofessional dietary advice aimed at people who—like myself—binge themselves so far into a food coma every December that they can’t look at another Ferrero Rocher until July. If someone made you read this article—punch ‘em in the kidney. If you clicked on this for your own self-interest—you go galfraan, let’s do this together!
Now, I don’t know about you, but I like my muffin tops on my actual muffins and not cascading over the top of my new Country Road denim shorts that my brother gave me for Christmas but that I actually picked out six weeks ago, amirite ladies? So let's kick those kilos where it hurts, right in the adipose tissue lipocytes (?).
We’ve put together a handy little guide for shedding those festive flaps fast, and it doesn’t include intense cardio or eating steamed broccoli (thank gawd). Just follow these simple tips and you’ll be stepping out in your favourite Seafolly tankini and crystal-studded Havaianas before you know it.
Step 1: Limit Your Lindt Ball Intake To Two Per Day
The first step on the road to not developing Type 2 diabetes, is nipping your Lindt Ball addiction in the bud before it spirals out of control and all of a sudden you’re selling your story to the Today Show just to afford your next hazelnut hit.
Step 2: Don’t Enter A Supermarket Alone For At Least Two Weeks After Christmas
Every major chocolate brand will be half price for approximately a fortnight from Boxing Day. You don’t need that kind of vicious temptation in your life.
Step 3: Take A Break From The Drink
Replace all your G&Ts with iced water and a lemon wedge. That way you’ll still feel classy AF but without the calories.
Step 4: When Hanging Out Washing, Do A Lap Around The Washing Line Everytime You Peg Something Up
You thought you were going to get helpful advice when you clicked on this article, didn’t you?
Step 5: Don’t Accept Any Brunch Invitations
We both know you can’t say no to a Tim Tam pancake stack so stop kidding yourself. However, part of being healthy is being social, so if you’re keen to catch up with the gals or boiz, eat some vegemite Vitaweets before you go so you won’t be tempted.
Step 6: Do Ten Sit-ups Before Opening The Fridge
This means not only will you ditch those Chrissie kilos, but you’ll get super toned abs—especially if you keep your Lindt balls in the fridge. To get bonus abs of steal, put your car keys, mobile phone and laptop in the fridge.
Step 7: Replace All Public Transport Commutes Of Less Than Three Kilometres With Walks
Walking is a great opportunity to get up-to-date on the latest Coldplay album and podcasts you’ve been meaning to listen to. And, if you don’t take any Lindt Balls with you, there’s no way you can gain any weight while doing it.
Step 8: Replace All The Snack Food In Your House With Sandwich Bags Of Celery Sticks And Almonds
Box up your Chocolate Ripple biscuits, Sara Lee Apple Pies, salt & vinegar chips, Pringles and loaves of Helga’s White, and give them to a friend—preferably one who’s really health-conscious, so you can get it all back in February. Then scatter sticks of celery and bags of almonds in the pantry and in the fridge, mostly to curb your eating than encourage it. You’ll either lose lots of weight or starve to death, but them’s the breaks.
Step 9: Say No To Sugar
Just in your tea and coffee. That means if you’re drinking two coffees and one tea a day, you’re cutting down on at least twenty-one teaspoons of sugar a week, and that’s gotta be good for you, right?
Step 10: Don’t Let Yourself Sleep Until You’ve Hit 20,000 Steps On Your New Fitbit Blaze
Beauty is pain! Don’t do this though, I just needed one more thing to round up this list. Maybe just go for a quick twenty-minute walk after dinner each night?
Image Credit: Gabby Stjernqvist for The Urban List