Brunch is a sacred right of passage for every young Kiwi, however, sometimes the experience can be tarnished by people who’ve miraculously managed to escape natural selection.
Here are the 7 worst people you’ll see at brunch.
Who's never had a hot meal because it takes her twenty minutes to think of an instagram caption
Miffy describes herself as a ‘self-confessed foodie’ in both her Facebook profile and her annual Christmas newsletter. She enjoys writing off her Sundays to line up for the latest croissant hybrid, buying the same pair of Adidas Stan Smiths in three different colours and scalping Ed Sheeran tickets on eBay. In their downtime, you’ll catch Miffy and her friends walking three abreast on footpaths.
Who without fail will ask if he can replace the smoked salmon with bacon
Angus is in the second year of his business degree and has gained 3.7 kilos of muscle tone since February. When he’s not teaching himself how to play Red Hot Chili Peppers songs on the guitar through YouTube videos, he’s usually calling his sister for fashion advice and Googling the protein levels of spag bol. In his free time, Angus enjoys calling people ‘muppets’ and asking his mum to do his tax return.
Who has to Google two-third of the ingredients in her hotcakes
Brayley is the acting assistant manager at her local Glassons while Pholeesha is on maternity leave. She enjoys comparison shopping for teeth whitening kits online and entering alllll the best dressed competitions in the races every year in outfits her mum copied from the 2011 royal wedding. Brayley spends most of her down time explaining to people that her name is a combination of both her parents’ names—Brayden and Hayley—and not a tactile writing system used by people who are blind or visually impaired (the second ‘y’ is silent).
Who's just reminded the waitress that she's been waiting for a table for 'almost nine minutes'
Jocelyn is the co-founder of a non-for-profit called UberPUPS that rescues abandoned dogs and trains them to deliver food in the inner suburbs. She can often be found at the Farro deli demanding refunds for that 'butterchicken pie' with ‘insufficient indian spices’, and insisting on paying with a credit card even though it’s not accepted. In her downtime, Jocelyn enjoys a quiet pinot gris at her local ‘public house’ and reminding the bartender that she’s next in line.
Who said 'low fodmap vegan' when the waiter asked her name
Madi spent six days in Borneo during her gap year in ‘09, and has seen the abuse of orangutans firsthand, which was the inspiration behind her self-published eBook—How To Lose A Breed In 10 Days. Madi deactivates her Facebook account every two months on principle and recently traded her iPhone 6S in for a Nokia 5000 because she read somewhere that it has a smaller carbon footprint.
Who orders by pointing to dishes on instagram
Ash tells potential employers in job interviews that her friends would describe her as ‘extremely personable, good with money and high-fashion’. She spends the majority of her time arguing that dry cleaning will extend the life of underwear and only recently found out that the number in people’s Instagram bios is their age and not their BMI. In her downtime, Ash enjoys trash talking small local businesses on Twitter when they get her coffee order wrong.
Who orders a juice & eats everyone's leftovers
Terence has been on his L plates for seven years and has an Instagram account dedicated to shaming people who buy Lynx Africa at Kmart. He enjoys stockpiling easter eggs, bringing KFC Feeds into movie screenings and doing sit ups on his bedroom floor. Terence feels personally victimised by Jodie Whittaker’s recent appointment as the thirteenth doctor, not because he’s sexist, but because women can’t act.
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Image credit: AU79 | Griffin Simm