Babies. They just don’t get how lucky they are, hey? I mean, their jobs are essentially eating, sleeping, drooling, and throwing tantrums if they don’t get what they want. Sounds like the dream gig to me.
Pretty much every time I see a baby, I’m flummoxed not only by how tiny, smelly and gut-wrenchingly cute they are, but also by how incredibly jealous I am of their right to exist entirely in a Snuggie, judgment free. So, without further ado, here are 24 things I think pretty much every time I see a baby.
#1: That tiny human gets to sleep all day, and they’re crying about it?!!
#2: That tiny human gets to vomit on people and they don’t judge.
#3: That tiny human is congratulated for burping. And farts.
#4: Nobody’s judging that tiny human for crying in the faces of people they don’t like, either.
#5: Wait, that tiny human has just rocked up UNINVITED to lunch, and everyone’s lining up to HUG them?!
#6: In fact, the restaurant had to rearrange its entire seating plan because that tiny human refused to get out of their wheeled chariot!
#7: They’ve been at the table for ten minutes and they’ve already fallen asleep. Eh, rude.
#8: They’ve also turned up wearing what looks like a sleeping bag with arms and legs. And *I* get berated for my activewear. Pffffft.
#9: That tiny human gets to bring their own snacks, too. How come they get out of paying $8 for a bag of chips?!
#10: That tiny human just kicked off a shoe, and SOMEONE PUT IT BACK ON THEIR FOOT. I’m remembering that the next time I kick off my heels at 3am while waiting for an Uber.
#11: That tiny human has slaves to read the news (oh alright, so-called ‘stories’) to them. No, not Siri, an actual human slave.
#12: That tiny human just wiped sticky fingerprints all over a Fendi wallet, and nobody batted an eyelid.
#13: That tiny human just put an iPHONE in their MOUTH. I can’t even.
#14: That tiny human gets to take sick days whenever they want. Um, haven’t they heard of Berocca and get-the-f#ck-on-with-it?
#15: That tiny human doesn’t pay rent.
#16: Or bills.
#17: Or for anything it eats or wears.
#18: OMG that tiny human is frolicking around in their pants and everyone thinks they’re cute.
#19: OMG that tiny human is frolicking around in their pants and everyone’s just said they’re fat, and *still* thinks they’re cute.
#20: OMG my friend grew that tiny human right in her tummy.
#21: OMG and then she pushed it out her…
#22: Babies are kind of like tiny aliens, right?
#23: Or like tiny drunk adults.
#24: Oh, tiny farting, dribbling, napping human, you don’t know how lucky you are.
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