Let’s get one thing straight: we love Auckland. We love its coffee, we love its 50-odd volcanoes and we love its glistening beaches. But when we have to break into our life savings just to afford parking, we get a little miffed.
Sometimes it’s good to have a little moan about the things that drive us loco in our beloved Auckland City, so we put on our grumpy chops and did just that.
1. When your Uber driver attempts to drive down Queen Street. Like, are you insane?
2. Having to pay $6 for a side of avocado.
3. Discovering said avo is about the size of a pea.
4. When it takes longer to get to Devonport and find a park than the time spent there.
5. Leaving with a damp, sandy bum and hitting the same apocalypse-level traffic.
6. When you can’t find a park in Takapuna—and, when you finally get one, you pretty much pay $10 a minute.
7. Two dozen orange cones that slow traffic and when you drive past, for the life of you, you can’t see why.
8. When the forecast is 25 degrees and sunny but means 90 per cent humidity with a chance of screw you. Farewell straightened hair—the frizz is in.
9. When you wait longer than five minutes for a coffee—or anything, for that matter.
10. That whole ‘four season in one day’ thing and having nooo idea how to dress accordingly.
11. Spending four hours trying to get out of Auckland on a long weekend.
12. Losing a chip to a thieving seagulls at Mission Bay (swearing you could hear a squawked remark about your weight as they fly off).
13. Never leaving the house without seeing someone you know.
14. When your car gets covered with those pesky little Pohutukawa needles—they’ll be stuck there for life.
15. The sound of cicadas in the summer driving you insane.
16. Not being able to commit to a fave doughnut spot since we have so many.
17. Being judged by people south of the Bombay’s just because we’re cooler. Sorry, not sorry.
18. Entire streets who can’t manage to mow their berms.
19. Strangers who think they’re entitled to pick any fruit growing in your front lawn.
20. People who think that an ambulance siren means go faster.
21. Dodging the sewerage pipes that lead into the ocean. So much for clean and green.
22. When you’ve spent half the morning sitting patiently in a cue of traffic and some joker zooms up and cuts in front. Alpers Avenue, we’re looking at you.
23. Having to wait more than an hour for a table at Depot. Yet we still do it because, let’s be honest, we’d wait a lifetime to feast on their turbot sliders.
24. The Harbour bridge from 8am to 9am. Likewise between 5pm and 6pm.
25. The cost of dairy food when the cows are pretty much down the road. We could practically milk them ourselves.
26. Cute villas and bungalows built by optimistic Brits who didn’t realise how fricken cold it actually gets in winter. Brr.
27. Attempting a run up Mt Eden and accidentally photobombing a tourist photo every 2.5 seconds.
28. When the public transport system (or lack of) shits itself every time there’s a storm/light drizzle.
29. Getting stink-eye for living anywhere other than the inner city—have you even been to Onehunga? Or Avondale? They’re nice guys too.
30. When soy milk curdles in your flat white.
31. Paying $1 for said soy.
32. Venturing to the other side of the bridge (we’ll let you decide which is which).
33. Attempting Thursday night shopping at St Luke’s. Don’t even get us started on Christmas shopping.
34. When your bircher muesli has too much fruit and not enough of a floral display. How are we supposed to Instagram that?!
35. Constantly being asked “where did you go to school?” Even though you can barely remember your school days.
36. “Oh so you must know Rachel then!” as a response to confessing where ever you went to school.
37. Having to dip into your Bonus Bonds and sacrifice your first-born child just to be able to afford mobile data.
38. Traffic jams on suburban Ponsonby streets.
39. Our limited stock of celebrities. We’ve all seen the lovely Art and Matilda out and about—bring on the new Bachelor.
40. When people don’t apply the road rules to the footpath. Keep left, people!
41. Pram-pushing mums and teen girls who fill the entire width of the footpath and then issue death stares when you say “excuse me”.
42. Drivers who hate on cyclists. Pedestrians who hate on cyclists. Cyclists who hate on everyone. It’s basically a hate fest.
Have a love/hate relationship with Auckland? Check out 45 Things That Are So Auckland It Hurts.
Image credit: Eye of the Fish