50 Things To Do In Auckland If You’re Single

By Olivia Atkinson
9th Dec 2015

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The world can be a joyless, lonely, desolate place if you’re single. If all your mates are in relationships, you so often seem to be left at home twiddling your thumbs while they do interesting and fun things like watch musical theatre, have brunch, and go on cutesy staycations. None of those things can be done solo. 

If copious babes and free drinks aren’t enough, here are 50 things to do in Auckland if you’re single. 

  1. Literally twiddle your thumbs.
  2. Binge watch the television evolution that is Shortland Street from 1992 to today.
  3. Leave your man/woman cave for a night of Bitchin’ Bingo
  4. Speaking of, order My Own Food Bag because cooking for one is biatch.
  5. Floss daily.
  6. Start your own Insta fan page showcasing your yoga and/or Cross Fit skills, or lack thereof.
  7. Join mousemingle.com, a dating site for Disney lovers, and find your Princess and/or Prince Charming.
  8. Make a Burger Burger phone order for two burgers, two shakes and potato skins. Pick them up and subtly mention you’ve got date night with the bf. Devour said food alone.
  9. Sit in a café for hours jotting down notes. People will think you’re mysteriously attractive and writing a novel.
  10. Or rock up to a gig at St James Theatre. Take a notepad with you. Write down your thoughts about the act so people assume you’re an important music critic. Someone is likely to sleep with you purely for that reason. Hell, the band will probably sleep with you.
  11. Create a feature wall dedicated to Mike Puru from The Edge.
  12. Deal with the pain of being single by touring Auckland’s retirement villages presenting your solo interpretive dance performance of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’.
  13. Initiate an impromptu lolly scramble at a playground. Parents will love you.
  14. Go for a solo ride in a Bikeman around the city. Pretend you’re a melancholic foreigner.
  15. See how many Minties you can eat before your jaw locks.
  16. Start a running club called the ‘Cameltoe Cadre’ whose members all have to wear ultra-tight Lycra shorts.
  17. Make a photo of you and your ex from five years ago your Facebook profile pic. Change your status from ‘Single’ to ‘It’s Complicated’. 
  18. Join the Internet Party, just for the lolz (although less surveillance could come in handy).
  19. Start a weekly YouTube cooking show where you and your sock puppet friend get high on painkillers, make mac n’ cheese and discuss new release movies.
  20. Apply for the next season of The Bachelor. If you don’t find love, not to worry, you’ll get 20k+ Insta followers for your new yoga/Cross Fit fan page.
  21. Create a playlist of your 500 favourite single-and-empowered songs, such as ‘All The Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)’ and ‘Why Does Love Do This To Me’.
  22. Alternatively, make one featuring only Adele and Tay Tay songs and play it on repeat for a week straight until you hate EVERYONE WHO EVER DATED THEM and WHOEVER THOUGHT DATING WAS A GOOD IDEA, IT’S TERRIBLE.
  23. Play pick up sticks… by yourself.
  24. Learn Klingon and speak only it to your parents whenever they call you. When you see them in person act like you have no idea what they’re talking about.
  25. Set up a picnic amongst the flowers at Parnell Rose Gardens. Read a Jane Austen novel—your Mr Darcy might make an appearance (probably not though).
  26. Write a 5000-word essay on which TV3 presenter you’d like to sleep with, and why.
  27. Take a flask to Cornwall Park and get wastey with the lambs and daffodils.
  28. Print out and laminate your Tinder profile (complete with contact number). Hand out to potential suitors in bars.
  29. Treat yo’self to a Bluebells Cakery creation. Eat while wearing activewear.
  30. Take to the nearest public basketball court wearing nothing but cut-off denim and Reebok Pumps and challenge anyone who comes along to a shirts-versus-skins mini tournament.
  31. Perch on the Judge’s Bay diving platform in Parnell, wearing nothing but a mermaid tail and seashell nipple covers, and sing ‘Part of Your World’.
  32. Start a Six60 tribute band. If you don’t have enough friends for that, start a Matiu Walters tribute band.
  33. Lurk around Mercury Plaza in the hope of accidently spilling your laksa on a rugby player’s lap… pray they find it cute.
  34. Show up at your married friends’ place on random weeknights with a casserole and act as though they invited you to dinner. Each partner will assume the other asked you to come and you won’t have to spend another evening alone eating cake mix.
  35. Walk along Ponsonby Road with your neighbour’s French Bulldog. If you’re not hit on at least a dozen times, you’re doing it wrong, homeslice.
  36. Practice your belly dancing in Aotea Square.
  37. Make your way through our coffee cocktails list. People will be drawn to your buzzing energy and dilated pupils.
  38. Spend $400 on a bikini.
  39. Re-enact the banned 2007 Burger King ad by horseback riding along the beach wearing said bikini…while eating a burger.
  40. Hook up with the groomsman/bridesmaid at your best friend’s wedding. This is one for the bucket list.
  41. Go on a juice cleanse. You don’t have a significant other to get cranky at.
  42. Strategically position yourself at Little & Friday Ponsonby with doughnuts and filter coffee. Snap the spread with your $2 vintage film camera and hope that one of the hot hipster baristas falls for your alty vibes.
  43. Accept that you’ll forever be an independent woman who don’t need no man, and marry yourself. It’s a thing.
  44. Bring back grillz and low riding one’s jeans. 
  45. Challenge Patrick Gower to a rap battle via Twitter.
  46. Make your coffee order as wankery as possible. No one likes the dude who requests a ‘triple caramel soy macchiato with a quarter shot of coffee, served at 46 degrees’ every morning.
  47. Invite everyone you know to a housewarming party for your parents even though they have lived in the same house for 27 years.
  48. Stop wearing a bra #freethenipple.
  49. Start a margarita stall in your driveway. When life gives you tequila…
  50. Go on a date.

Image credit: Pinterest 

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