So, you’ve just packed up your bags and moved to the Gold Coast—welcome!
Okay, a few local tips… We call it the GC because, well, it’s easier to #hashtag and you can put it in cute sentences like “Did you hear about Susie? She drove her Range Rover the wrong way up the light rail system, she’s sooooooo GC!” and so on.
To really fit in here, you must abide by a strict social guideline (that we may have just made up) but will no less help you fit in to your new area code—and it’s all about what car you drive. Choose the wrong car and you risk imminent social exclusion followed by banishment to what we locals call “The Wall” where you must watch out for the coming of winter and the arrival of an undead army lead by cranky skeletons on horseback…
So without further ado, here’s an honest guide to the cars of Gold Coast and the suburbs you’ll find them in.
A vintage hot rod with fluffy dice on the mirror. You will definitely fit in for five days over the car festival Cooly Rocks On. After which time you can go back to just being cool at the Rotary Club.
A car completely constructed with earplugs. ‘Cause you know…planes. You may also like to cover your earplug-mobile in some bubble wrap because we all know Tinnitus is Australia’s no.1 killer.
A 2010 Land Rover Defender with board racks for all your SUPs, canoes, kayaks, surf skis, paddle boats, hydrofoils and blow up swans.
Just kidding. Noone thinks you’re a part of the Gold Coast… Let’s continue.
A 2005 Hilux Ute with tow ball for attaching your work trailer to… or someone else’s trailer… that they happen to have left behind… accidently… on the back of your ute.
A 2017 Range Rover Vogue with old acai bowls in the back seat and a HUGE tub of Choc/Cacao/Banana/Amazonian brow sweat-flavoured protein powder in the boot. #gains
A 2001 Ford Fiesta full of uni student essentials: Sui Min noodles, Gang Of Youths album, leftover avocado on toast, a petrol siphoning kit and a copy of Franz Kafka’s ‘Metamorphosis’.
A 1990 Volvo 240 GL Wagon covered in fur from your black Frenchie called ‘Peanut’ who cost more than your Volvo 240 GL Wagon…
A 2016 Mazda 3 with two booster seats for your little, darling children Huntah and Jazalyn. Plenty of room in the boot for all those Seed Heritage shopping bags and your new Nespresso machine.
A 2017 Mercedes G Wagon with the number plate ‘Hedges’, a bottle of Reef tanning oil SPF level 0 and the latest copy of ‘Divorce for Dummies’.
A black Chrysler 300, lowered, with beyond illegal tint, plus a copy of Mr Nice on the passenger seat and a white Bull Terrior called 'Ceasar' in the back seat.
A 1995 Nissan Skyline that makes cool noises upon gear change. Kinda like in Fast and the Furious, but less Paul Walker-ish and more Centrelinky. Includes a two-way radio so you can organise with your Nissan Skyline friends to drive around in a badass group. Yeeeeeew, Nerang Gang!!!
Please see a copy of the Gold Coast tram timetable for further information.
A taxpayer-funded, chuffer-driven Uber that goes between the Chamber of Commerce and The Coffee Club while playing Tony Robbins motivational speeches.
A black Tesla Model X that charges by being plugged directly into an underground cable running to South Australia's electricity grid. In the centre console are all the remotes for the gates you must pass through...in your gated community...that is secured by gates....for people who like things to be gated.
A golf cart.
A 2017 CLA Mercedes with the roof open to let in all that fresh mountain air after you've been car sick. Pop the boot to find a picnic rug, bottle of Shiraz and 50,000 litres of bug spray.
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Image credit: Unsplash