More so than anyone else in the service industry (alongside bartenders), we seem to always develop special relationships with our baristas.
Maybe that’s because we can often see them multiple times a day. Maybe it’s because they are the drug dealers who deliver us that sweet, sweet caffeine fix. Most likely it’s because they are always really cool and sexy AF.
They’re certainly a very friendly bunch, but what about you? Are you being a good customer? We surveyed a bunch of our favourite bean jockeys to find out what people do to really irk them. Make sure you’re not one of THOSE people who does THESE things.
1. Asking for a long black, extra hot. Long blacks are made with boiling water. It’s literally impossible to make them hotter, unless you want them in gas form instead of liquid form. Are you going to vape your long black? No? Okay, so it’s coming at maximum liquid hotness.
2. On that note, “soy milk, extra hot” is also pretty ridic. That stuff burns at like 40 degrees so there is an 80 per cent chance you’ll be back in five minutes complaining about burnt milk.
3. Ordering for five different people who all want a different kind of milk. Do you know how long it takes to froth that shit up? Look, I know people have their dietary requirements… actually, that’s bullshit, just get skim milk all round and nobody’s going to die. And while we’re at it, stop with the exotic, nonsensical ordering. A cappuccino without the chocolate and the froth is a goddam flat white. Just ask for a flat white!
4. Are you one of those people who orders then disappears somewhere? Then your barista would like you to disappear into a deep sink hole. One with scorpions at the bottom.
5. Do you wait outside the door for the coffee joint to open? Please stop, it’s undignified. At least pretend you’re doing something else – go for a stroll to the bakery and pick up some bread or sit on the corner and drink cheap wine straight out of the bottle. That is STILL more respectable than waiting outside a locked door to get your coffee.
6. Asking for a decaf with lactose-free milk. *pauses to let anger subside* What you want, my friend, is not actually coffee at all. Would you go into a bike shop and say, “I’d like a small furry bike that has four paws instead of wheels and will chase a tennis ball when I throw it?” No, you wouldn’t, you would go to a pet store for such a beast. So why do you go to a coffee place and ask for not-coffee?
7. If you say “expresso” or “cup of chino” please CTRL-ALT-DEL your life and start again.
8. Placing your order while simultaneously speaking on the phone is not cool. Unless you’re speaking to Barack Obama, it’s just bloody rude. And no, Trump isn’t the only other exception to the rule. Hang up, place your order, then call that orange goon back.
9. “I haven’t had my first coffee of the morning yet” is not an excuse for acting like a cockwomble.
10. Asking if your coffee is ready. Suuuure … it’s sitting behind the counter. They are just hanging on to a bit longer in case it increases in value.
11. Telling the barista that you are in a hurry so could they, like, make yours first? Why yes, you are clearly the most important person here and the only one in a rush, so let’s let CHAOS REIGN.
12. Offering your barista sex. Do you realise how little work they would get done if they got freaky with every customer who throws their body at them? NOBODY would get any coffee because they would be too busy doing it. These people are sex gods. Worship at the foot of the mountain but don’t try to climb it.
Image Credit: Ariana Gillrie for Metropolist