They say age is just a number, but the increasing amount of ultrasound pictures on my Facebook feed says otherwise.
Yes, life changes as you cross over the threshold to your fourth decade of life, and to help prepare you—here are 30 inalienable truths about being 30.
1. You’re either trying to have a baby or trying to catch a Pokémon.
2. You no longer have any chance of being a contestant on the Bachelor—unless you are playing the part of the hot single mother, botox enthusiast, or the lady who can’t hold her booze.
3. Married at First Sight is now your best shot at reality TV dating. Beggars can’t be choosers.
4. Suddenly restaurants are too loud.
5. And bars have inadequate seating.
6. And I want to speak to the manager.
7. Your Facebook feed is now full of engagement announcements and kitchen renos.
8. “Aren’t you cold?” is the new greeting to every teen you meet.
9. Most countries will no longer grant you a working visa. I guess they don’t want to deal with you turning up on their doorstep and being old and stuff.
10. You are now ineligible for most government grants. Because the brain is no longer any good at 30. “The man” doesn’t want your garbage ideas and if you aren’t already successful, you never will be.
11. You still can’t afford a house.
12. Stilettos (lol—I remember those). You still own a few pairs but only in case you change your mind. Not that you will.
13. Your Google search history is as follows: non-surgical facelift, non-surgical lipo, cheapest private healthcare.
14. You didn’t buy private healthcare in time and have now set into motion a chain of events that will see you dying on the street of consumption.
15. It is now acceptable to never go to a club again if you don’t want to. Yay!
16. You don’t feel 30… until you hang out with 20-year-olds.
17. The highlight of your week is when you hear Ace of Base on the radio.
18. Bye bye Snapchat, hello online accounting programs. I don’t want to be popular—I. Just. Want. Money.
19. Google Search: what is Snapchat?
20. You discover the supreme happiness that comes with rolling all your superannuation into one account.
21. It’s time to discover the wonderful world of home wine delivery.
22. You must get all your life goals accomplished before someone impregnates you. #run
23. One late night out = one week of jetlag.
24. Saturday mornings switch from boozy brunch to being hungover at a toddler’s birthday.
25. You don’t understand the full meaning of “Netflix and Chill”; 20-somethings laugh at you.
26. When people ask how old you are, you say—“how old do you think I am?” It’s physically impossible to actually say the words… “I’m thirrrr… how old do you think I am?” See?
27. Your taste in men radically changes. When did my sexy dreams switch over from Ryan Gosling to the Canadian Prime Minister?
28. Food intolerances and allergies galore—but just for the things you love most. Bye bye bread, bye bye cats.
29. The spelling and grammar capabilities of a potential partner matters more than ever. You may BREED with that person and create a society of idiots. #idiocracynightmares
30. Being asked for ID used to be annoying, now it elicits girlish giggles.
And if you’re 30 and single, you might want to check out these 25 Things To Do On The Coast If You’re Single. It’s a cracker!
This article previously appeared on our sister site, The Urban List.
Photo Credit: Bustle